am
i
so
naive
?
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
wrong foot forward
please take me away from here
i linger in this state of utter helplessness, idleness
i'm waiting for my knight in shining in armour
i am
and i know he will come..
he will
and we will be flying high
above all the rainbows in the sky
complete we shall be
we'll even do tai chi
and a cat we shall possess
but its name i shan't confess
as our hearts grow fonder
with all our might we will squander
all that the wind doth blow
for i know
my beau will be my saviour
from this worlds malicious behaviour
that is eating me away
i shall not be led astray
by men's foolish wooing
i am proper in my doing
that is
this showbiz
hm. off the top of my head. i'm tired.
sleep[mode]:0N
i linger in this state of utter helplessness, idleness
i'm waiting for my knight in shining in armour
i am
and i know he will come..
he will
and we will be flying high
above all the rainbows in the sky
complete we shall be
we'll even do tai chi
and a cat we shall possess
but its name i shan't confess
as our hearts grow fonder
with all our might we will squander
all that the wind doth blow
for i know
my beau will be my saviour
from this worlds malicious behaviour
that is eating me away
i shall not be led astray
by men's foolish wooing
i am proper in my doing
that is
this showbiz
hm. off the top of my head. i'm tired.
sleep[mode]:0N
Saturday, March 21, 2009
चोट पहुँचाने
i linger here on my own and in my own little world of procrastination
i dont know how i managed to get back home from my beautician on friday - i looked like hell, and if you thought i already looked like crap then imagine me afterwards.. my face was glaring red, my forehead covered with red dots, my right eye was swollen from the masacre it had to go through with getting rid of my milia.. however, i spent the most wonderful two and a half hours on the most relaxing bed ever, i had the best facial ever and algae mask... bliss i'm telling you! i was pampered and i felt so good and i didnt give a damn howw i looked, i just slid my hat on pulled it nearly over my eyes and rushed home. even now my eye is still swollen and it looks ghastly.
i have so much work to do for this week. i only started writing my summaries last night and i still have two to go and then i have to write up my lesson plans for my teacher practice and i would like to start learning for my test that i have on wednesday with monsiuer swarmork..
i'm heartbroken. i want to love. and i want to make love! i feel so lonely and so useless..
मैं अब भी तुमसे प्यार करता हूँ गैरी
i dont know how i managed to get back home from my beautician on friday - i looked like hell, and if you thought i already looked like crap then imagine me afterwards.. my face was glaring red, my forehead covered with red dots, my right eye was swollen from the masacre it had to go through with getting rid of my milia.. however, i spent the most wonderful two and a half hours on the most relaxing bed ever, i had the best facial ever and algae mask... bliss i'm telling you! i was pampered and i felt so good and i didnt give a damn howw i looked, i just slid my hat on pulled it nearly over my eyes and rushed home. even now my eye is still swollen and it looks ghastly.
i have so much work to do for this week. i only started writing my summaries last night and i still have two to go and then i have to write up my lesson plans for my teacher practice and i would like to start learning for my test that i have on wednesday with monsiuer swarmork..
i'm heartbroken. i want to love. and i want to make love! i feel so lonely and so useless..
मैं अब भी तुमसे प्यार करता हूँ गैरी
Monday, March 16, 2009
not much room to live
i had dreams that i would be a nurse when i grow up
funny how things change so fast
right now i dont know what i want to do with my life, who i want to become, who i want to be, with who, where and what for
and still i dont have enough room to live!
i think of so many things i would think i could do but i never end up doing them and i throw those thoughts away into to corner of the room, now that pile of reckless and unseemly ideas has turned into a mountain and is slowly blotting out the light. i get caught up in them, they lie at my feet and i get tangled every once and again. i sometimes wonder if i had chosen the right path, if this is the way i am to be traveling, did i make the right choices..?
it seems that happiness is just round the corner but i never turn round the right one.
maybe it will find me on another lonely street amidst the smell of summer just after the rain..
funny how things change so fast
right now i dont know what i want to do with my life, who i want to become, who i want to be, with who, where and what for
and still i dont have enough room to live!
i think of so many things i would think i could do but i never end up doing them and i throw those thoughts away into to corner of the room, now that pile of reckless and unseemly ideas has turned into a mountain and is slowly blotting out the light. i get caught up in them, they lie at my feet and i get tangled every once and again. i sometimes wonder if i had chosen the right path, if this is the way i am to be traveling, did i make the right choices..?
it seems that happiness is just round the corner but i never turn round the right one.
maybe it will find me on another lonely street amidst the smell of summer just after the rain..
Sunday, March 15, 2009
konfusion
i can't imagine all the people you know and all the places you go
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
i miss you
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
resuscitate
in my sleep
awake to see
you're never here
my stomach's growling.
good sign.
weight loss here i come.
full moon tonight.
just above my window frame.
how i miss talking to you.
awake to see
you're never here
my stomach's growling.
good sign.
weight loss here i come.
full moon tonight.
just above my window frame.
how i miss talking to you.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
anniversary?!
it was totally me to miss my very own one year anniversary on blogger.
oh no! i didn't miss it...it's today!
HAPPY ONE YEAR my beloved little blog :)
er, i didnt make a cake but i did do two posts today ;)
as part of my celebration i'll go shopping in Katowice tomorrow. hopefully i will get myself something to tune myself into a good mood and while shopping i'll be happy, thinking how lovely it is to be single, being free from lies, around people who truly and dearly care about me, with two amazing parents who love me everyday, with the best friends i could have ever imaginesd, who alliviate my heartache, who treat me to the most heavenly cups of coffee/tea one could imagine, who chitchat with me about trivial as well as conspicuous affairs. i love you all and i am so proud to have you as my friends. i couldn't ask for anything more.
all my love guys x
oh no! i didn't miss it...it's today!
HAPPY ONE YEAR my beloved little blog :)
er, i didnt make a cake but i did do two posts today ;)
as part of my celebration i'll go shopping in Katowice tomorrow. hopefully i will get myself something to tune myself into a good mood and while shopping i'll be happy, thinking how lovely it is to be single, being free from lies, around people who truly and dearly care about me, with two amazing parents who love me everyday, with the best friends i could have ever imaginesd, who alliviate my heartache, who treat me to the most heavenly cups of coffee/tea one could imagine, who chitchat with me about trivial as well as conspicuous affairs. i love you all and i am so proud to have you as my friends. i couldn't ask for anything more.
all my love guys x
trying to forget
it's not easy
i've gone back to giving my posts titles. i just wasn't fond of the simplicity and total lack of "chapter and verse". i felt as if my posts were bare, so i'm giving their coats back and hoping that they will be warmer than usual.
it's been a rough time for me, when some days i want to be left alone, expecting no one to give me solace. i needed to be in solitary, just me and my shadow.
but then again today, i was longing to be around people and that's exactly what i got. i had such a lovely coffee with the two most loving and lovable souls. i was so psyched and charged that i traipsed all the way home, stopping by my local drug store only to find that they didn't have what i wanted but that did not stop me from being so chirpy and i carried on singing along to the music coming from my headphones and making my way to my "crash pad" called home.
there's nothing more to say really, only that i thoroughly relished today. i absolutely adore course. i now have a deviation - i check every word fro its synonyms.. oh dear lord.. you can see i am truly spiritless.
wait..
not only am i spiritless but also extremely bummed out, aghast and insipid, exceptionally sluggish at everything i do. in fact, i yearn to hibernate for a couple of months.
oh oh, going back to course, i have a horrible secret.. videlicet: a week ago, i'm not sure if any of you will remember, but seńor Swarmork slipped on a brick coloured tight jumper. now, i know there's nothing special or phenomenal about a jumper, but it's HOW he wore it that made my heart skip a beat! guys, you probably think i'm bonkers, he's married and he's blond but that doesn't mean i can't fantasize and build castles in the air :D i cannot possibly mention how gorgeous his torso looked. his noticeably Herculean biceps. meow. the colour complimented his skin tone perfectly. his overall appearance was breathtaking, as well as his outrageously devine self that he is in character and posture. i'm all over him like a rash. seriously, there is something wrong with me. oh well :)
yeah, so that would wrap up my week.
i am "goodish".
i've gone back to giving my posts titles. i just wasn't fond of the simplicity and total lack of "chapter and verse". i felt as if my posts were bare, so i'm giving their coats back and hoping that they will be warmer than usual.
it's been a rough time for me, when some days i want to be left alone, expecting no one to give me solace. i needed to be in solitary, just me and my shadow.
but then again today, i was longing to be around people and that's exactly what i got. i had such a lovely coffee with the two most loving and lovable souls. i was so psyched and charged that i traipsed all the way home, stopping by my local drug store only to find that they didn't have what i wanted but that did not stop me from being so chirpy and i carried on singing along to the music coming from my headphones and making my way to my "crash pad" called home.
there's nothing more to say really, only that i thoroughly relished today. i absolutely adore course. i now have a deviation - i check every word fro its synonyms.. oh dear lord.. you can see i am truly spiritless.
wait..
not only am i spiritless but also extremely bummed out, aghast and insipid, exceptionally sluggish at everything i do. in fact, i yearn to hibernate for a couple of months.
oh oh, going back to course, i have a horrible secret.. videlicet: a week ago, i'm not sure if any of you will remember, but seńor Swarmork slipped on a brick coloured tight jumper. now, i know there's nothing special or phenomenal about a jumper, but it's HOW he wore it that made my heart skip a beat! guys, you probably think i'm bonkers, he's married and he's blond but that doesn't mean i can't fantasize and build castles in the air :D i cannot possibly mention how gorgeous his torso looked. his noticeably Herculean biceps. meow. the colour complimented his skin tone perfectly. his overall appearance was breathtaking, as well as his outrageously devine self that he is in character and posture. i'm all over him like a rash. seriously, there is something wrong with me. oh well :)
yeah, so that would wrap up my week.
i am "goodish".
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
.February.27.2009.
today i saw emotion, a pure affection from one to another.
it was so subtle and pure in touch that i was envious and flooded with memories.
it was so subtle and pure in touch that i was envious and flooded with memories.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
.February.26.2009.
there has been a haze recently between the paper and i.
i wanted to write a word but stopped once the pen had hit the paper.
it sat there, bleeding over the lines and made a mess of everything.
after realizing what had happened, i found it appropriate
and left it
i wanted to write a word but stopped once the pen had hit the paper.
it sat there, bleeding over the lines and made a mess of everything.
after realizing what had happened, i found it appropriate
and left it
Sunday, February 22, 2009
.Feb.22.2009.
in all of life's splendour, i still wish to reverse the passing of time and age. i think i am missing the connection in my brain that this isn't right. the dots are not connecting and i keep wishing that i was a child.
i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to be carefree, to take life as it comes and not take things seriously, use people for their love, respect and devotion and you will always be in the winning position. you will never get hurt but you will take joy in being young and having fun (with men).
right now i've come to the conclusion that i'm so old. i've wasted so many years in my life looking for Mr Big that i have no memories, i have had no fun. and how will i make it up to myself? this time has passed.. it's too late now.
what will i do now in the future? what will i do in london? will i get a job or will i come back to poland and finish off my MA? what am i supposed to do? i'm so lost. and i dont wanna talk about it.
that doesnt mean i'm depressed right? it just means i need to digest this situation.
worst thing is, is that he has left all my text messages unanswered, a million questions left lingering, he has no intention of answering them.
with calmness on my face, my fingers bleed rage
i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to be carefree, to take life as it comes and not take things seriously, use people for their love, respect and devotion and you will always be in the winning position. you will never get hurt but you will take joy in being young and having fun (with men).
right now i've come to the conclusion that i'm so old. i've wasted so many years in my life looking for Mr Big that i have no memories, i have had no fun. and how will i make it up to myself? this time has passed.. it's too late now.
what will i do now in the future? what will i do in london? will i get a job or will i come back to poland and finish off my MA? what am i supposed to do? i'm so lost. and i dont wanna talk about it.
that doesnt mean i'm depressed right? it just means i need to digest this situation.
worst thing is, is that he has left all my text messages unanswered, a million questions left lingering, he has no intention of answering them.
with calmness on my face, my fingers bleed rage
i tried too hard
i wish you grew up a bit
i wish you would take life a bit more seriously
i wish you made decisions
my three wishes which i never will know if they come true as a specific part of my life has left me. its gone. its all gone.
i've no idea how to express myself.
i read over my blog from march and i promised myself i would never fall in love again. but i knew he was the one. i knew it was too good to be true. i had fallen so deep and today i drowned. the only exit is being alone, something i thought i had put behind me, something that i would never have to experience again. i left him so many of my things, so many memories. yet i have none. not a single letter not a single thing. i gave him my heart. and he hid it in a box and keeps it under his bed.
he was the only one who made me feel alive. and now i feel so dead. i feel old. and i wish i looked upon life like he does, carefree. but it would kill me, knowing how many people i would hurt along the way.
we shared the most wonderful moments. ones i will never ever forget. he was my true love, and i believe you only get one chance at true love in life and i just had mine. i wish it just lasted a bit longer.
just please dont tell me i had it coming because i didnt. i was so sure.. now i'm sure of nothing. i'm a wreck, drifting on the seas of my broken dreams. my life is empty. again.
every fibre of my being yearns for you ~m~
i wish you would take life a bit more seriously
i wish you made decisions
my three wishes which i never will know if they come true as a specific part of my life has left me. its gone. its all gone.
i've no idea how to express myself.
i read over my blog from march and i promised myself i would never fall in love again. but i knew he was the one. i knew it was too good to be true. i had fallen so deep and today i drowned. the only exit is being alone, something i thought i had put behind me, something that i would never have to experience again. i left him so many of my things, so many memories. yet i have none. not a single letter not a single thing. i gave him my heart. and he hid it in a box and keeps it under his bed.
he was the only one who made me feel alive. and now i feel so dead. i feel old. and i wish i looked upon life like he does, carefree. but it would kill me, knowing how many people i would hurt along the way.
we shared the most wonderful moments. ones i will never ever forget. he was my true love, and i believe you only get one chance at true love in life and i just had mine. i wish it just lasted a bit longer.
just please dont tell me i had it coming because i didnt. i was so sure.. now i'm sure of nothing. i'm a wreck, drifting on the seas of my broken dreams. my life is empty. again.
every fibre of my being yearns for you ~m~
Saturday, February 14, 2009
i'll take my clothes off
and it will be shameless
cos everyone knows
thats how you get famous.
as much as i didnt like her before, her lyrics to her new songs really actually get to me. she's not bad. i totally relate to her. and it's so fun! they're so cheerful too!
i've been having a bad time recently but i want to change that around. i want to think about my future and not what is happening now..i feel like i'm stuck at the moment and i'm hoping that positive thinking will help me move on and get myself together. i'll send you all a postcard once i get there ;)
even though i'm afraid what the future will bring i think this year will be a good one. having heard a really interesting suggestion to go to geneva after i finish college i'm really excited that i will get away from this place. but i will truly miss my family and friends. whether i end up in england or switzerland or wherever, i will miss all of you.
i need to get a grip on life and think nice thoughts.
however, 14th feb has ALWAYS had a bad effect on me and i'm really really bitter. i guess i never liked vday only because i've never been swept off my feet and invited anywhere to do something nice..its sad. but i've gotten used to it. but ever year i wish it would just go away and finish as soon as possible.
i wish i was in london.
cos everyone knows
thats how you get famous.
as much as i didnt like her before, her lyrics to her new songs really actually get to me. she's not bad. i totally relate to her. and it's so fun! they're so cheerful too!
i've been having a bad time recently but i want to change that around. i want to think about my future and not what is happening now..i feel like i'm stuck at the moment and i'm hoping that positive thinking will help me move on and get myself together. i'll send you all a postcard once i get there ;)
even though i'm afraid what the future will bring i think this year will be a good one. having heard a really interesting suggestion to go to geneva after i finish college i'm really excited that i will get away from this place. but i will truly miss my family and friends. whether i end up in england or switzerland or wherever, i will miss all of you.
i need to get a grip on life and think nice thoughts.
however, 14th feb has ALWAYS had a bad effect on me and i'm really really bitter. i guess i never liked vday only because i've never been swept off my feet and invited anywhere to do something nice..its sad. but i've gotten used to it. but ever year i wish it would just go away and finish as soon as possible.
i wish i was in london.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
with matches holding up my eyelids
hi.
i'm looking at my cat peacefully sleeping next to me. his life is bliss. nearly.
mine is a bit hectic what with exams and my love life.
as of now i know 10 questions out of fifty-four for my exam tomorrow.. great eh?
i'm pulling an all-nighter if i can manage but to tell you the truth i haven't done so since my last year of secondary school! so this'll be interesting.
no more coffee cos i'm scared of messing up my stomach seeing that i havent been too well for the past week. really have to watch out.
i'm feeling sleeping already..
better get back to my notes.
i think i was a bit to harsh today telling g i wasnt happy with our relationship. did i do wrong? i dont know. i dont wanna think about it. i need to concentrate on my exam.
dobranoc.
i'm looking at my cat peacefully sleeping next to me. his life is bliss. nearly.
mine is a bit hectic what with exams and my love life.
as of now i know 10 questions out of fifty-four for my exam tomorrow.. great eh?
i'm pulling an all-nighter if i can manage but to tell you the truth i haven't done so since my last year of secondary school! so this'll be interesting.
no more coffee cos i'm scared of messing up my stomach seeing that i havent been too well for the past week. really have to watch out.
i'm feeling sleeping already..
better get back to my notes.
i think i was a bit to harsh today telling g i wasnt happy with our relationship. did i do wrong? i dont know. i dont wanna think about it. i need to concentrate on my exam.
dobranoc.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
hey darling, I hope you're good tonight
tell me something sweet to get me by
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear to you that we can make this last
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
it might be for the best
uhh, if only it were so simple as the lyrics go, just sing along and wait till they sing la la la la la la laaa and make it last.
hugging my phone all day waiting for your call is not how i planned our relationship to look like.
it's a day of crisis.
i'm starting to feel. but i dont know what.
i wish i was there.
it could be all so simple.
stomach hurts - day 3.
my cat had a fit today too.
things are just not looking bright.
i still have to put up with it though.
i'll get a call from you tomorrow. it's like i count the hours - your phone calls being the frequency and the silence just a phase i must endure. because i'm always the good girl right? the one who endlessly forgives and loves. selfless and self-forgetful maria. you're all welcome to mooch off me!
what am i supposed to do??
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear to you that we can make this last
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
it might be for the best
uhh, if only it were so simple as the lyrics go, just sing along and wait till they sing la la la la la la laaa and make it last.
hugging my phone all day waiting for your call is not how i planned our relationship to look like.
it's a day of crisis.
i'm starting to feel. but i dont know what.
i wish i was there.
it could be all so simple.
stomach hurts - day 3.
my cat had a fit today too.
things are just not looking bright.
i still have to put up with it though.
i'll get a call from you tomorrow. it's like i count the hours - your phone calls being the frequency and the silence just a phase i must endure. because i'm always the good girl right? the one who endlessly forgives and loves. selfless and self-forgetful maria. you're all welcome to mooch off me!
what am i supposed to do??
Thursday, February 5, 2009
today
has been a really good day.
i wasn't looking forward to it for many reasons i shan't explain now.
but the overall effect of today has been good on me.
i like it.
but there is one thing that lingers..
ian..
you were such a special person in so many people's lives.
its hurts me so that you had to leave us so soon.. having just turned nineteen you should've been looking forward to what the future holds. no one was ready for this. my thoughts and prayers go out to you ian baby, our beloved sweetheart of a rascal! you rocked our worlds. may you rest in peace.
<3
smiling to people is like the sun for flowers
i wasn't looking forward to it for many reasons i shan't explain now.
but the overall effect of today has been good on me.
i like it.
but there is one thing that lingers..
ian..
you were such a special person in so many people's lives.
its hurts me so that you had to leave us so soon.. having just turned nineteen you should've been looking forward to what the future holds. no one was ready for this. my thoughts and prayers go out to you ian baby, our beloved sweetheart of a rascal! you rocked our worlds. may you rest in peace.
<3
smiling to people is like the sun for flowers
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
nobody said it would be easy
The words creep up inside of me, coming out in water droplets down my check. Splashed on to the motionless hand at the paper. There is no need to share. Im just enjoying.
~Joe~
~Joe~
Friday, January 30, 2009
songs are just heart ache
i've been sitting here for an hour thinking what to write, well, maybe rather how to put my feelings down in words.
its the first time today that i've felt alone, truly alone. G hasn't talked to me all day and you know what..i'm beginning to get used to it. i'm scared he's slipping away. he's the only one who could make me smile with all my heart. he would tell me stories of his past, present and future and i'd be so intrigued by it all. he made promises that no one ever dared to speak of. he created a new world for me, for us. a world that has been slowly falling apart. to be honest i really wasn't expecting things to go wrong. i was hoping that this time, everything will be ok. G still says i'm the only one, that he truly cares. but doesn't that mean that you try to talk everyday, that you try to be together, try to make each other happy? i cant imagine life without him. we have been through a very rough time but i was so determined and i was so in love that i fought my way to him, through thick and thin, better and worse i believed so hard, i listened to my heart. i travelled so far and i cried so many days and nights on end. and i finally got him. it wasn't easy. and that we ended up together was a very unexpected twist my life had come up with. but from the very moment we met, in cambridge and later in gomshall, i cherished every single moment. i couldnt keep my eyes off of him. i looked at his face, his ever gleaming eyes, his lips slightly ajar and i felt that he was the one. every word he spoke i absorbed like a sponge and let it sink in, soaking my every vein. i couldnt bear the thought of losing him, i couldn't bear to leave him alone for a second, feeling as though i would miss out on his smile, laugh, joke, his look, his thought... it felt so right being with him, it felt so right that i had followed my emotions, regardless of what everyone around me was saying i stood by my emotions and i caught him in my net. his flirting with me, treating me like i were a muse, it felt amazing. his being not-too-close at first, giving me space, the tension it caused, the many sparks that were made, the chemistry grew so much to the point of no return and we indulged in each other. we devoured each other like the sea the rocks of a cliff, with no time to breathe we let ourselves go and we danced in the fields with the sun hitting our faces, glowing like never before. i fell in love. and i fell deep. the many times we sat and talked, pondering over a guinness, of what will be. i feel lonely. i cry because every fibre of my being yearns for you. i yearn for your love, for your words, lips, eyes and touch. i am withered. i have sucked out all the love that fuels me and i am drying up, there is nothing here to save me but you, yet you are nowhere to be seen. i cry out for you in my dreams, in the realms where we promised we could meet, every night. my tears like pearls glitter in hope that you would save me from this, from what i feel. my arms reach out for you but all i grasp is thin air. is this all in my head? am i overreacting? i feel cold inside. my feet are always freezing but i am cold all over today. i'm not fine and i wont be. i need you but you dont know it. i want you so bad but you're so hard to get to. you made me believe now its my turn to cry. i'm withered worn and old. i'm no good. i don't know if i'll ever be good anymore. and i've no idea what to do next...
all my love and my beaten heart are still here for you, they are yours and will be for as long as i shall live, you have been the most wonderful, inspiring, breathtaking, captivating, unique, conversational and exceptional man (irishman!) i could have ever encountered in my brief life that i am so grateful to fate or whatever it was that glorious summer night, that i met you.
you are constantly and without end on my mind and in my impoverished vascular organ, also known as heart. my soul is a wandering one and never shall rest till we both find happiness. with all my love, patience and swollen eyes i wait here for you. silently.
its the first time today that i've felt alone, truly alone. G hasn't talked to me all day and you know what..i'm beginning to get used to it. i'm scared he's slipping away. he's the only one who could make me smile with all my heart. he would tell me stories of his past, present and future and i'd be so intrigued by it all. he made promises that no one ever dared to speak of. he created a new world for me, for us. a world that has been slowly falling apart. to be honest i really wasn't expecting things to go wrong. i was hoping that this time, everything will be ok. G still says i'm the only one, that he truly cares. but doesn't that mean that you try to talk everyday, that you try to be together, try to make each other happy? i cant imagine life without him. we have been through a very rough time but i was so determined and i was so in love that i fought my way to him, through thick and thin, better and worse i believed so hard, i listened to my heart. i travelled so far and i cried so many days and nights on end. and i finally got him. it wasn't easy. and that we ended up together was a very unexpected twist my life had come up with. but from the very moment we met, in cambridge and later in gomshall, i cherished every single moment. i couldnt keep my eyes off of him. i looked at his face, his ever gleaming eyes, his lips slightly ajar and i felt that he was the one. every word he spoke i absorbed like a sponge and let it sink in, soaking my every vein. i couldnt bear the thought of losing him, i couldn't bear to leave him alone for a second, feeling as though i would miss out on his smile, laugh, joke, his look, his thought... it felt so right being with him, it felt so right that i had followed my emotions, regardless of what everyone around me was saying i stood by my emotions and i caught him in my net. his flirting with me, treating me like i were a muse, it felt amazing. his being not-too-close at first, giving me space, the tension it caused, the many sparks that were made, the chemistry grew so much to the point of no return and we indulged in each other. we devoured each other like the sea the rocks of a cliff, with no time to breathe we let ourselves go and we danced in the fields with the sun hitting our faces, glowing like never before. i fell in love. and i fell deep. the many times we sat and talked, pondering over a guinness, of what will be. i feel lonely. i cry because every fibre of my being yearns for you. i yearn for your love, for your words, lips, eyes and touch. i am withered. i have sucked out all the love that fuels me and i am drying up, there is nothing here to save me but you, yet you are nowhere to be seen. i cry out for you in my dreams, in the realms where we promised we could meet, every night. my tears like pearls glitter in hope that you would save me from this, from what i feel. my arms reach out for you but all i grasp is thin air. is this all in my head? am i overreacting? i feel cold inside. my feet are always freezing but i am cold all over today. i'm not fine and i wont be. i need you but you dont know it. i want you so bad but you're so hard to get to. you made me believe now its my turn to cry. i'm withered worn and old. i'm no good. i don't know if i'll ever be good anymore. and i've no idea what to do next...
all my love and my beaten heart are still here for you, they are yours and will be for as long as i shall live, you have been the most wonderful, inspiring, breathtaking, captivating, unique, conversational and exceptional man (irishman!) i could have ever encountered in my brief life that i am so grateful to fate or whatever it was that glorious summer night, that i met you.
you are constantly and without end on my mind and in my impoverished vascular organ, also known as heart. my soul is a wandering one and never shall rest till we both find happiness. with all my love, patience and swollen eyes i wait here for you. silently.
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