do something pretty while you can

i cant stand learning anymore
i dont know what it is but with every year i despise the whole learning process more and more
i wish it weren't this way
but it is
i need some motivator but at the moment it is nonexistent

i've been munching on cookies for the past week and i can see the effects
i'm addicted
and i'm getting fatter with every bite i eat

i need some sun but it just wasn't here today, was it? it's cold and all my energy has disappeared, vanished, gone down the drain along with my quirkiness
i've been in such a foul mood for the past few days
it will pass
soon

driftwood

not much to say
but that exams are coming and going and the thought of my dissertation and the stress connected with it is slowly getting to me..
monday's exam will be rather difficult
then tuesday american literature
saturday two stupid exams at uni
monday dissertation
and then three weeks to acquire all the answers to our licencjat exam
goodness
how time flies...

in fact
all i want to do is lie in D's arms and not give a toss about what is going on around me
i want to feel serene and ever so happy with a huge smile on my face tackling every day and knowing that i can hold someone's hand when i get back home
it seems so trivial but it's such a vital component for me in life knowing that i have someone to turn to, to gaze into someone's eyes seeing them sparkle, to snuggle up to whenever i feel like it, to close my eyes and listen to a heart beat, to feel wanted, to feel that there is someone by my side getting through everyday with me, there for me and vice versa, i need to feel wanted and needed and i have a need to give
this could turn out to be a really great year

as for now i need to catch up with my studying
and i'm absolutely skint
ugh :/

sweet jesus

i'm still racking my brains as to what else i got wrong in the exam..
i am worried about my use of english AND the reading part
to hell with that now

i just had a coffee and a call from lucy
who is going through the same things as i
dont you just hate that feeling after exams
when you analyse all the answers and realise you should have left the previous answer which was correct and now you have it wrong!

ugh..

can someone give me a cuddle and a hug?
can someone fly me to london for a day?
can someone be a prophet (blagh - i hate that word now!!) and tell me what will be the topic for our writing tomorrow?
can someone just give me 100% from everything?
can someone please alleviate my pain (headache)?
can someone tell me why on earth i give german lessons??

if you feel you can fulfill my dreams, send your CV to my email and i shall consider your application.

off to the chemists to clear my head.



i hope i'm not alone in saying that our PNJA was bloody difficult...?

my eager eyes

exam tomorrow and i've been sitting here all day just revising. and i feel good.

i can't stop thinking about D
its funny
primary school was so long ago
and now look what happened
i'm still in stupor
disbelief that this is happening
that we're all over each other like a rash
but it's good
it's an amazing feeling
and i don't want it to change!


It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this

now at last

college classes are over.
need i say more?

exams and licencjat linger above my head.

but at the end of all this i will be free.
night night xxx

electric bird

i needed a breather and i got it :)
i'm absolutely fine now!
i even got in the mood and i ended up buying rhubarb..
in the end i made the finest rhubarb crumble ever known to mankind ;)

ahhh...
bring on the german exam!!
i wanna go out, have fun, singm dance, smile, laugh, dreaaaam..

july.
can you please just hurry the bloody hell up?!

i want to find myself lost in your arms
touching your skin
and playing with your hair
taking in the smell of your body
and resting my head on your chest

i'm good to go
sleep

i wanna sit down and cry

when i looked at my credit book.. the straight 3+'s that i have seemed like a joke. unbelievable how i've miserably failed this semester. nothing can make it up, these marks are simply repulsive. but one thing is for sure, it's not the grades that really matter but what i have learnt. still, i cannot see the silver-lining in it all. i feel like i've dragged myself down to the floor and that i'm so small. i'm hurt to see such grades yet i know that's all it is - just a grade. but how i detest such marks. ugh. such a horrid day. the stress concerning Coffee-gusher whether i had passed or not, my paper whether she would take it in or not, Tante Tyla and my first year exam that i have yet to take (tomorrow!), all these little things have started creeping up like my teacher practice syllabus that i have yet to hand in... ugh! i need to get myself together and MAKE IT WORK. and i frickin will! i need to charge my batteries cos they are kinda running on depletion. if thats even possible?! i wont let these grades get to me, no one will know unless they look into my credit book. well, you all know. but it's not that i'm afraid to tell you or afraid what you'll think, no, it's just my self-evaluation. how did i let this happen? i keep asking myself. never has my credit book seen such pathetic marks.i suppose two or three 5's are not bad but ugh..thank god it's nearly the end..

relapse

blagh
don't know whats gotten into me but i've had such a horrible day today
absolutely horrid
i feel sick
my stomach hurts
i got so peed off with my paper
and ugh
i'm tired

i wish i could sleep for a whole day
maybe that would help something?

and i'm not liking the hush sound's album from 2008
even managed to vent at d
oops
and my weight is just a bitch
back up
grrrrrrrr

end of
no creativity whatsoever
one of those days?
tomorrow will be good
promise

weeping willow

"tears to my pillow will dry and you will learn to love again"

it's amazing to feel what i can feel right now
never crossed my mind that things could turn out this way
so soon
its this funny feeling you get inside
when you feel you've clicked with the opposite sex
and everything seems to be falling into place

and you realise
that you feel good around that someone
that you have this unexplainable desire to be in touch
you spend your time daydreaming about shared experiences
you have so much in common it's freaky

and it gets so difficult to cut a conversation short cos you need sleep ..

temporarily high

having got back today from far far away, i've realised how much i've missed out on in life ;)
life in ldn is so different. but not always better.

the most wonderful thing happened to me there though.
sincere and genuine kindness that's what.
maybe a lil fling too.
and yes. i kissed him. and it was sublime.

i looked like w wreck all weekend though, due to my lack of sleep and lack of straightener i looked like aright weirdo. hence no pictures of me from my trip!

fri/sat/sun(partially) i spent with D either in his car, his flat or his mum's. was so weird it has to be said, to see him after all these years but what a difference those years made. you sometimes look back and think - i would never expect you to end up doing that or being like that. it was hilarious but more importantly a bloody superb weekend.

sunday night i was dropped off to Lesley's where we + Shari spent the night drinking vodka+lemonade/fanta ;) monday on the other hand was tiring. got out of the house at 10 and headed straight for natural history museum, made my way to victoria and albert museum past one, then walked over to the science museum only to set off to high street kensington where i grabbed my ritual mocha at starbucks. after having enjoyed a nice convo with random guy + my coffee i went out to notting hill back to Lesley's for my bag and walked straight to the tube to catch a train into Cambridge. got there at 9pm. my legs were not aching but they surely are today!!

i got vexed with ranair cos of my stupidity and their lack of information.

i wanna go again! let me just check those tickets... ;)

a pine torn apart

i dont want to go into details of all the how's and what's in my life right now, but one thing is clear, i am feeling a lot of positive energy from people all over. i nearly fell for one yesterday. whenever i talk to D i have butterflies and then i have L who is constantly in touch with me..

i'm scared i will have to choose, that i'll have to pick one out of the two and i wish there was a logical or rational way of doing it but i'm afraid it will be one of the most difficult personal decisions i'll have to make.

i wanted to list pros for D and for L but that would be too schemed out..and rather tragic if they ever happened to stumble upon my rather not so discrete blog.

thus, i'm meeting D next week..wow..sounds so surreal yet it is true.. deep down i wish he were completely different, that he weren't so damn hot, charming, shy, loveable, ambitious, riding a motorbike, becoming a chef kind of guy and that we will not get along and THEN my choice will be so much easier.. somehow i wish i could choose L, because i know so little about him, he lives so far away and i wish i could give him a chance. but it's not like that. he's too far away. and D, well, we seem to be getting along too well...

i can't wait till next friday.

on another note, my weight loss is going superb :) makes me even more happier. but i think it's having a horrendous effect on my concentration and motivation which is seriously not good as its that time of year at college where i should be studying hard and getting work done pronto!
i need to breathe a bit.

drunk night at ania's

apparently if we dont go to bed by 3am we can last the whole night without sleep, but 'm not going to test that out ;)

i thought i'd write now as i am feeling rather hyper, plus lady gaga singing to me on my headphones.

i had a wonderful night at ania's and i cant explain how thankful i am for hr for making me get out of my house and enjoying myself, i've missed it a lot. so obvious too as after 4 drinks i'm absolutely drunk.

hm.

so far i think my spelling is great so it's all cool.

as soon as my head hits the pillow i'm dead asleep!

met a "long lost" friend whom i was very fond of and still am. great to get old friends back into my life.. luckily i didnt stay at ania's for the night cos who knows what would've happened if i had..

as it's really late and i have to go to krk tomorrow i best be going to sleep now.. wishing you all a wonderful weekend :*