bitter sweet

every time i looked over at paweł or piotrek, my eyes filled up with tears. it was hard to hold them back. it was a hard day. saying farewell but also hoping to see each other again some day.

it's not an easy thing to see someone who you truly loved and cared for, talked to and laughed with for years, carried into a graveyard and set into the ground. saying my condolences to my aunt shattered my strength and i gave into grief. it was inevitable. i'm a teary person.

so it finally happened. he's really gone and never coming back.
i still haven't gotten ever it.


oh, and i feel like a compete idiot with my 4+ compared to those 5+'s that other group members got - i hate you all ;]

urgh. i feel so useless. gym tomorrow at 8am. maybe that will bring some life back into my body and soul?

summer session

is creeping up.
ew.

make it go away!

but on the other hand, i cannot believe time has gone so quickly, i feel like it was only a few days ago when i was venting about how much i want to go to England, and now look - only a month away.. wow!

i'm happy, and anxious at the same time. i want it all behind me. and only summer to look forward to but life aint no bed of roses.

i need sleep. who will give me some of theirs?

night night

distraction

tired that i was learning grammar, i did not mind this little distraction. need i say more :]?

cool beans

gosh , there are so many topics i currently want to talk about and i have at least six unfinished posts on my computer, but i dont have the time to blog properly at the moment, sadly. on a more brighter note - i went down to the gym today and had a whole two hours of treadmill/orbitrek/bike (i dont know how i will get up tomorrow morning!), cleaned out my wardrobe (success!), prepared for this week at college (wow!) and have plans to go to dublin during the summer to meet up with a few (but how special and dear to my heart) people.
personal life? forget it. the most fun i'm having right now is the temporary distraction of flirting over my myspace inbox with 'randy andy sugar and candy', dont get me wrong but he's a cute guy and a great guy to talk with, i guess nothing more due to the distance. shame. tragic? perhaps, but hey, just over a month an i'll be off to england and i plan to enjoy myself thoroughly whilst i'm there..

calorie intake, jaffa cakes and the evil day of the month

to cut a long story short..

i've been writing down everything i eat and counting calories. it doesnt look too bad. but i still feel like i have room for improvement. however, today i just let my hormones rule. i devoured a billion jaffa cakes. it was like i was under a spell. i coudnt (and in fact didnt want to) control myself! and i felt so good.
but i will not weigh myself for the next couple of days.. after having read that one jaffa cake has 44cals i kinda fell into a slight mood of despair. but do not fear - no more chocolate for me for the next two days (thats the max amount of days i can survive without any chocolate whatsoever..).
thing is, i'm feeling a bit full at the moment and i have to go to bed.
ugh. going to bed with a full stomach is a big no no.
oh, and do feel free to slap me if i dare mention the word chocolate to you this week. i need motivation and i know i am fully capable of going to the local shop and buying myself a magnum, so please, dont hesitate and kick me if i have any plans on doing so.

and to think i was doing so well today (till about 8pm) i was living on 575cals. hm. better luck next time eh?

short week, just three days of classes ahead this week - yet another long weekend from thursday. to tell you the truth it feels so awkward. but nice at the same time. maybe i'll finally get round to cleaning out my wardrobe. if anyone saw in what state my clothes are in in that wardrobe i'd die of shame. i've been wanting to get round to clean it out for days, weeks even.. shame on me..mea culpa.


codladh samh

i shed a tear

watching 'Lars and the real girl'...can you believe it?!

i'm an ultimate ryan gosling fan. i've seen nearly all the films he's been in.. he's such a hotty! mrau.

if you haven't yet seen any of his films, give me a shout and i'll be more than happy to shed some light on his wonderful acting! half nelson is a must see.




attention

if you look anything like gosling, please contact me asap. or if you have the exact same personality as gosling, i am willing to give you a chance.

HBO: Thin

i came across the documentary on one of my 'friends' myspace site [yes, i know, i'm so sad having a myspace.. kill me for it] and i watched it.
i'm in deep shock.
so many aspects were covered there and oh too many showed how hard it is to live a normal life and to recover when you suffer from an eating disorder. starting from the fact that you have to want to recover. the thing that hit me most was the insurance crap.. wow..i did not know that if you run out of insurance, they make you leave, how frickin sad is that? how can the girls possibly recover when they get kicked out? that scares me.

if you do happen to watch all 11 episodes on youtube, you'll see what happens.

i dont know why i got so sensitive about it, i'm fortunate that none of my close friends have any eating problems but if i did, i know there would be nothing that i could do to help. in fact, i've never heard of any support groups in tychy or katowice. i wonder how it all looks like here.

oh great. my cat just got sick. shoot. :(

somewhere over the rainbow

i'm hooked on that song, reminds me of the days when i was an E.R. addict and the finale was an absolute tear-jerker.. unbelievable.

had an amazing evening/night. i couldn't ask for a better best friend than you agata. time flies uncontrollably when i'm with you. there's so much we could do and talk about that a lifetime wouldn't be enough for us! thank you for always being there for me and chatting to me when i need it :] what would i do without you..?


dont go to geneva!! dont leave me here all alone..

i wish i had more fun nights like i did with 'my' two ania's last weekend, and like today with agata. time flies.. and i've got less time with every year, month, week... its sad.
i know i've neglected a few people in my life and i'm sorry that i didnt spend enough time with you.. but how will they know that now? but i like my life the way it is now, i love the people who are in it. who have left a mark in my heart, those who are just starting to flourish in my life. i love everyone who knows me :] i'm in a good mood which means you should all love agata!

love love love.

i wish i had a personal bear i could share all my true love with though. i've been too naive in the past and now i've raised the bar, i dont want an immature man who still lives with hopes from the past, who cant take care of a woman, who doesnt know how to treat a woman.

i'm done with boys. i want a man. i will have a man. i dont care if its this summer, next summer or in three years. i will get what i want and i know what i want. no more miss nice girl. just watch me.

rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb

yesss..there's rhubarb everywhere! and boy am i a thriving housewife making tons of cakes with.. rhubarb! tomorrow will be rhubarb crumble - i simply cannot wait. i dont think i've ever enjoyed making cakes as much as i do now, and it's all thanks to Rheum rhabarbarum.

as for now, i'm contemplating on the fact that i have a test on thursday. just contemplating. probably will sit down to it after 9:30pm.. after i've watched all there is to see on tv. teehee.

tremendously enjoyable day today - lovely sunshine, cat having a whale of a time in the garden. just one class today. one hour of private lessons and done.

i wonder what the week will bring..

cheerio!

trip down memory lane..

my parents and i took a trip to the cemeteries in świętochłowice, ligota and podlesie today. i remembered walking down the path with my watering can filled up to the brim, staring straight ahead of me and then it hit me - in thirty years time, it'll be me with my children coming to the graves of our loved ones who have deceased, i'll be going down the same path only older and with more memories and probably without my parents. that really saddened me.
it's a pity and a shame that time flies unrelentingly. sometimes i wish i could pause for a moment and never forget the great and happy parts of life.. i realised how much i depend on my parents, i live with them, we eat dinner every day together, we go shopping together, we go out to eat together, we talk we laugh and we cry.. and some day that'll all be gone. somehow, i don't want that to ever happen. i don't want the most important people in my life to leave. i know it's inevitable, that it will happen.. but it doesn't stop me from wanting to change the impossible. i'm still too young to be thinking things like that but my parents are growing old and i can see it. but frankly, there's nothing i can do, so i must draw happiness from what is today and now. i hope tomorrow will be a brighter day and i'll be in a better mood. as for now i'm very sensitive and thinking deeply about existence.. and how i wasted 4 years of my life on relationships which were never meant to be. pathetic.

on a different note, my cat was terribly ill today. throwing up everything all day. poor thing. he's sleeping like a log now but i feel for him so much, he was in so much pain today. unbelievable how attached we get to our four-legged pets.. he means so much to me and today everyone in our house showed how much he means to us. its magical seeing how we all treat him like another member of our family.