songs are just heart ache

i've been sitting here for an hour thinking what to write, well, maybe rather how to put my feelings down in words.

its the first time today that i've felt alone, truly alone. G hasn't talked to me all day and you know what..i'm beginning to get used to it. i'm scared he's slipping away. he's the only one who could make me smile with all my heart. he would tell me stories of his past, present and future and i'd be so intrigued by it all. he made promises that no one ever dared to speak of. he created a new world for me, for us. a world that has been slowly falling apart. to be honest i really wasn't expecting things to go wrong. i was hoping that this time, everything will be ok. G still says i'm the only one, that he truly cares. but doesn't that mean that you try to talk everyday, that you try to be together, try to make each other happy? i cant imagine life without him. we have been through a very rough time but i was so determined and i was so in love that i fought my way to him, through thick and thin, better and worse i believed so hard, i listened to my heart. i travelled so far and i cried so many days and nights on end. and i finally got him. it wasn't easy. and that we ended up together was a very unexpected twist my life had come up with. but from the very moment we met, in cambridge and later in gomshall, i cherished every single moment. i couldnt keep my eyes off of him. i looked at his face, his ever gleaming eyes, his lips slightly ajar and i felt that he was the one. every word he spoke i absorbed like a sponge and let it sink in, soaking my every vein. i couldnt bear the thought of losing him, i couldn't bear to leave him alone for a second, feeling as though i would miss out on his smile, laugh, joke, his look, his thought... it felt so right being with him, it felt so right that i had followed my emotions, regardless of what everyone around me was saying i stood by my emotions and i caught him in my net. his flirting with me, treating me like i were a muse, it felt amazing. his being not-too-close at first, giving me space, the tension it caused, the many sparks that were made, the chemistry grew so much to the point of no return and we indulged in each other. we devoured each other like the sea the rocks of a cliff, with no time to breathe we let ourselves go and we danced in the fields with the sun hitting our faces, glowing like never before. i fell in love. and i fell deep. the many times we sat and talked, pondering over a guinness, of what will be. i feel lonely. i cry because every fibre of my being yearns for you. i yearn for your love, for your words, lips, eyes and touch. i am withered. i have sucked out all the love that fuels me and i am drying up, there is nothing here to save me but you, yet you are nowhere to be seen. i cry out for you in my dreams, in the realms where we promised we could meet, every night. my tears like pearls glitter in hope that you would save me from this, from what i feel. my arms reach out for you but all i grasp is thin air. is this all in my head? am i overreacting? i feel cold inside. my feet are always freezing but i am cold all over today. i'm not fine and i wont be. i need you but you dont know it. i want you so bad but you're so hard to get to. you made me believe now its my turn to cry. i'm withered worn and old. i'm no good. i don't know if i'll ever be good anymore. and i've no idea what to do next...

all my love and my beaten heart are still here for you, they are yours and will be for as long as i shall live, you have been the most wonderful, inspiring, breathtaking, captivating, unique, conversational and exceptional man (irishman!) i could have ever encountered in my brief life that i am so grateful to fate or whatever it was that glorious summer night, that i met you.

you are constantly and without end on my mind and in my impoverished vascular organ, also known as heart. my soul is a wandering one and never shall rest till we both find happiness. with all my love, patience and swollen eyes i wait here for you. silently.

i want my eyeliner

its been days, weeks, months even since i last saw my black eyeliner!! it's missing.. and i miss it :( i'm afraid i will have to get a new one, but that one was special. it was from london. and it was good.

i completed doing my word box for my kiddos. yay, happy about that.

saturday night is looking like its gonna be a blast! a girls night! i shan't give details :)

i have a highly ambitious plan on cleaning/tidying my room ( i sound like a thirteen-year-old) and collect materials for my exams. and i promise myself i will not eat chocolate. maybe ;)

nothing special going on in my life.

When the black creeps in, I like the feeling it leaves in the silence
~Joe~

i am dumb

i failed my american literature course.
how wonderful.
i believe i was the only one to do so in my group. makes me feel so much better.

i feel like i wanna give up.
but i wont.
it would be stupid if i gave up now.
half way through my third year.

but to tell you guys the truth, this really doesnt motivate me.
i will have to learn the material all over again.

i'm determined to do my best at linguistics, descriptive grammar and methodology.
i'm just not so keen on american literature :/

besides. i've been going through quite a rough patch and i really dont feel like engaging socially so please do excuse me.
i've been watching triggering programmes again, not to sure why. i dont fit in my jeans, maybe thats why?

i'm not in a good mood.
can someone please take to me to london? now?