.March.1.2009

you will be ok
i will be ok
but we will not be ok

.February.27.2009.

today i saw emotion, a pure affection from one to another.
it was so subtle and pure in touch that i was envious and flooded with memories.

.February.26.2009.

there has been a haze recently between the paper and i.
i wanted to write a word but stopped once the pen had hit the paper.
it sat there, bleeding over the lines and made a mess of everything.
after realizing what had happened, i found it appropriate
and left it

.Feb.22.2009.

in all of life's splendour, i still wish to reverse the passing of time and age. i think i am missing the connection in my brain that this isn't right. the dots are not connecting and i keep wishing that i was a child.

i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to be carefree, to take life as it comes and not take things seriously, use people for their love, respect and devotion and you will always be in the winning position. you will never get hurt but you will take joy in being young and having fun (with men).

right now i've come to the conclusion that i'm so old. i've wasted so many years in my life looking for Mr Big that i have no memories, i have had no fun. and how will i make it up to myself? this time has passed.. it's too late now.

what will i do now in the future? what will i do in london? will i get a job or will i come back to poland and finish off my MA? what am i supposed to do? i'm so lost. and i dont wanna talk about it.

that doesnt mean i'm depressed right? it just means i need to digest this situation.

worst thing is, is that he has left all my text messages unanswered, a million questions left lingering, he has no intention of answering them.




with calmness on my face, my fingers bleed rage

i tried too hard

i wish you grew up a bit
i wish you would take life a bit more seriously
i wish you made decisions

my three wishes which i never will know if they come true as a specific part of my life has left me. its gone. its all gone.
i've no idea how to express myself.
i read over my blog from march and i promised myself i would never fall in love again. but i knew he was the one. i knew it was too good to be true. i had fallen so deep and today i drowned. the only exit is being alone, something i thought i had put behind me, something that i would never have to experience again. i left him so many of my things, so many memories. yet i have none. not a single letter not a single thing. i gave him my heart. and he hid it in a box and keeps it under his bed.
he was the only one who made me feel alive. and now i feel so dead. i feel old. and i wish i looked upon life like he does, carefree. but it would kill me, knowing how many people i would hurt along the way.
we shared the most wonderful moments. ones i will never ever forget. he was my true love, and i believe you only get one chance at true love in life and i just had mine. i wish it just lasted a bit longer.
just please dont tell me i had it coming because i didnt. i was so sure.. now i'm sure of nothing. i'm a wreck, drifting on the seas of my broken dreams. my life is empty. again.



every fibre of my being yearns for you ~m~

i'll take my clothes off

and it will be shameless
cos everyone knows
thats how you get famous.

as much as i didnt like her before, her lyrics to her new songs really actually get to me. she's not bad. i totally relate to her. and it's so fun! they're so cheerful too!

i've been having a bad time recently but i want to change that around. i want to think about my future and not what is happening now..i feel like i'm stuck at the moment and i'm hoping that positive thinking will help me move on and get myself together. i'll send you all a postcard once i get there ;)

even though i'm afraid what the future will bring i think this year will be a good one. having heard a really interesting suggestion to go to geneva after i finish college i'm really excited that i will get away from this place. but i will truly miss my family and friends. whether i end up in england or switzerland or wherever, i will miss all of you.

i need to get a grip on life and think nice thoughts.
however, 14th feb has ALWAYS had a bad effect on me and i'm really really bitter. i guess i never liked vday only because i've never been swept off my feet and invited anywhere to do something nice..its sad. but i've gotten used to it. but ever year i wish it would just go away and finish as soon as possible.

i wish i was in london.

with matches holding up my eyelids

hi.
i'm looking at my cat peacefully sleeping next to me. his life is bliss. nearly.
mine is a bit hectic what with exams and my love life.
as of now i know 10 questions out of fifty-four for my exam tomorrow.. great eh?
i'm pulling an all-nighter if i can manage but to tell you the truth i haven't done so since my last year of secondary school! so this'll be interesting.
no more coffee cos i'm scared of messing up my stomach seeing that i havent been too well for the past week. really have to watch out.
i'm feeling sleeping already..
better get back to my notes.

i think i was a bit to harsh today telling g i wasnt happy with our relationship. did i do wrong? i dont know. i dont wanna think about it. i need to concentrate on my exam.

dobranoc.

hey darling, I hope you're good tonight

tell me something sweet to get me by
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear to you that we can make this last
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
it might be for the best

uhh, if only it were so simple as the lyrics go, just sing along and wait till they sing la la la la la la laaa and make it last.

hugging my phone all day waiting for your call is not how i planned our relationship to look like.
it's a day of crisis.
i'm starting to feel. but i dont know what.
i wish i was there.
it could be all so simple.

stomach hurts - day 3.
my cat had a fit today too.
things are just not looking bright.

i still have to put up with it though.

i'll get a call from you tomorrow. it's like i count the hours - your phone calls being the frequency and the silence just a phase i must endure. because i'm always the good girl right? the one who endlessly forgives and loves. selfless and self-forgetful maria. you're all welcome to mooch off me!

what am i supposed to do??

today

has been a really good day.
i wasn't looking forward to it for many reasons i shan't explain now.
but the overall effect of today has been good on me.
i like it.

but there is one thing that lingers..
ian..
you were such a special person in so many people's lives.
its hurts me so that you had to leave us so soon.. having just turned nineteen you should've been looking forward to what the future holds. no one was ready for this. my thoughts and prayers go out to you ian baby, our beloved sweetheart of a rascal! you rocked our worlds. may you rest in peace.
<3


smiling to people is like the sun for flowers

nobody said it would be easy

The words creep up inside of me, coming out in water droplets down my check. Splashed on to the motionless hand at the paper. There is no need to share. Im just enjoying.

~Joe~