spoon-fed trauma

a lot has happened within the past four days.
too much really for me to grasp or handle.
but i'm doing the best i can

i have fallen into a downward spiral, except instead of a spiral, it is a vacuum of sorts.
there seems to be no way out of this constant conflict in my mind.
i'm fighting a battle with myself, as i have said and will time and time again
i am unable to make a concrete decision about my next move

i cant remember feeling this betrayed, alone, conflicted, ever.
i'm not myself when i walk through the doors every day.

i engulf my feelings for the sake of others, but they are poisoning me.
but does it even matter?

my life is on pause so to speak.
i can't find a way out of this rut.

why am i so naive?

i am damaged at best, like you’ve already figured out

bleak eyes
parched throat
the end of a fervent affair
a broken heart veiled behind meaningless idle talk
shards of pain piercing through armoured sentiments when seeing anything relating to you
is this the end or the beginning of a new journey?
one where fallow earth can be made fertile through the roll of a dice?
are you game to gamble it all away again?

whatever walks in my heart will walk alone
no love left in me
no one to see the heaven within me
i'll be forever yours

i’m empty since you left me

trying to find a way to carry on, i search myself and everyone to see where we went wrong because there’s no one left to point a finger at, there’s no one here to blame, there’s no one left to talk to.
and once i finally settle down and get on with my life you decide to come in again. what am i living for? this vicious cycle, where you decide when to start, spin, swirl, roll, shake, twist, stop and over and over again..? this is crazy. i want to live my life without having to wonder what you are doing a thousand miles away. this is crazy, but you tend to make a stir in my head. i don't like it. but i love you.


i guess that was obvious.

bland

I managed to crawl out of bed in time to make it for my course at 8am. Managing to encounter an old woman collapse, hitting her head on the door as she fell to the ground..i tried to help, wanting to call for an ambulance was my initial reaction, but the man (who happened to be some sort of relative of hers) said she'll regain consciousness in a bit, asking me not to worry and starting slapping the poor soul.. with a sudden gasp she opened her eyes and tried to get up.. i gave her a hand and urged her to 'take it easy'.. and continued my walk to college..

No revelations when it comes to college though. Boring boring boring.

On returning home i stepped into the kitchen and became a 'domestic goddess', maybe not as divine as Nigella Lawson [sorry guys ;)] but i succeeded in overfeeding myself with spaghetti yet again. But it sure was delicious!

As of tomorrow, I'll be a free spirit in my parent-deserted home for four lengthy days.

So, please do feel free to come round but be sure to bring plenty of exquisite food not forgetting the overpriced bottle or two of wine (rose or white will do fine) along with at least 100 compliments and a decent 'hunky-dory' film that I haven't yet seen. Other than that, don't even bother coming.

resentment rides high

it's funny how a tiny and insignificant gesture can cause lost emotions and buried memories to come flooding back..

it hurts knowing that I won't encounter the same things with the same person again, it was so perfect..
but at the same time it makes me happy that I could experience it with him.. I realised that no matter how hard I tried to forget, the memories will always be there.. no one can stop me from reminiscing, reliving and enduring the pure bliss and heaven that we had.

always in my thoughts..

spanked monday and razor burn

or should I say "wet monday" [all the Polish people reading this will understand]. And yes, I did get wet, though I did try my best to run. Oh how fun. I remember it being so out of the ordinary and so exciting when I was about 10, but now, it's just getting on my nerves, unless it's done by my parents or other family members, then I get such a kick out of it because the whole house ends up flooded - now that's what I call a Wet Monday.

Apart from the usual Easter hullabaloo, I hurt, really hurt my legs..
It all happened yesterday at midday when I was rushing to get ready for Cracow. I was just asking for trouble reaching into my bathroom cabinet and taking out one of my razors. For my sins I didn't take a closer look at it and started shaving my legs. Everything was fine until I started wiping my calves dry.. oh dear Lord.. to my horror, my legs were red and stinging so dreadfully, I hurriedly put cream on them but heck, everyone was already waiting for me so I jumped into my stockings and ran downstairs, shoved on my shoes and headed to the car. My legs felt like they were burning. I just tried to go to sleep. After an hour I woke up - it wasn't so bad, but the excruciating pain I felt before was a nightmare.. damn razor must've been as blunt as a hammer.

Lesson learnt: never shave when in a hurry and to always look at the damn thing before using it!

Thankfully, my legs are now recovering quite well but the pain will never be forgotten and the lesson i learnt is one never to be blown over..

insomnia

is kicking in.

I've drawn some more, took me hours though. but I'm liking it. It's been too long since i last drew..
All ready, set, go for tomorrow.
I think I'll get back to my drawing and write more in the days to come.

Happy Easter!

yellow ribbon and yards of blue tissue paper

My room, since yesterday, has been invaded by ribbons, sellotape and navy blue tissue paper.. yes, Easter is on it's way and I've come up with a great idea of making gift bags with lots of chocolates inside for my parents. Simple but sweet, with huge tags saying Happy Easter. I don't know why but I'm peculiarly pleased with myself. To top it all up - I made a lamb cake for Sunday. Yummy!

Apart from spending the day at home, without tv and fasting, I did something i haven't done [unfortunately] in years - i drew. This Easter has brought out my best qualities. But why in the heck does Easter have to be so early..?

I've had some classic lines but nothing as good as this

I've met guys who actually tried the 'sweet-talk' on me in a bar and i can assure you it never resulted in a shag, it's simply not the way to pick up a woman in a bar..however if someone had sung this to me, the laughing it may have wheedled, might have got me into bed.

my miserable inconvenience

having the flu is a wretched nuisance.
you get sick, miss school, become less able to fulfill your responsibilities, feel horrible [fun is out of the question] and when you do start feeling better, there is a backlog of things to catch up on.
Suffice it to say that dear Maria is very, horribly ill.
There was even a moment today when my house smelt vaguely of vomit.
Luckily (for them) my parents were out and didn't have the opportunity to experience my technicolour yawn... [come to talk of vomiting i came across this site once when i was looking for vomit synonyms, however urban dictionary will always be my number one for crazy wacko words]...
so here i am, at home and ill. can someone make me cocoa?

period pains, blocked noses & college

there simply couldn't be a better combination, eh?

I had contracted the flu overnight, I got up at 6:30am sneezing like a monster, had observations at a local secondary school to attend to at 8am, later on was supposed to take my german test aaaand, lo and behold, all this was happening on the most painful strength-sucking day of my period. Sorry I know I'm supposed to say "lady week" but I think that's just ridiculous. Men need to learn to deal with the fact that every single woman on this planet has a week when blood, yes, blood, not red paint or ribena, seeps out of her. They also need to learn that it can make her very cranky and moody and emotional and downright insane, as in my case, and that she can get incredibly pissed off at the fact that she is expected to tread on eggshells for no apparent reason by referring to her PERIOD as her "lady week", "time of the month", "red monster", "throwing a Party", "Aunt Flow", (insert other annoying cover-up metaphor here) even though SHE is the one suffering the pain and discomfort!

so my dear friends, forgive me for being rash, but it's just one of those days where i spend the day in bed and moan.

yay for me. NOT.

i hate mondays

which is why i'm taking a trip to cracow with my mother tomorrow. in fact it's because of the 'S' clothing that she bought me (aww bless..), will go back to the shops and ask for 'M'.. ugh. ugh.

things i'd like to do:
- go on a restrictive diet again = lose a.m.w.a.p.
- get a tattoo
- get my lip pierced again (? questionable)
- learn on a regular basis and not just before a huge test
- flirt in real life and not just via facebook or other most fascinating sites
- stop acting like a 13-year-old girl

summer - please come!!

inward singing

made me laugh so hard again :D
every single time - it makes me laugh ;)
tenacious d.
all night.

i had private conversations today and the girl whom i talked with, is on her second-to-last year of med school and we talked the whole hour about gynecology and giving birth. but i won't go into details here.

made me think again, how i haven't had a guy for so long.


my parents bought me a top and a nice jacket, but hey - S is too small for me so, i can't wear what they bought me, fun eh? :/ i'm fat.

goodbye.

the mountains said i could find you here

in dreamland things seem so simple yet fantastic
i wish i never had to wake up from my dreams
it seems like only there am i wanted
by men
i find shelter in their arms from drunkards who want to vomit all over me and the sort
and then i wake up
my heart pounding
all alone
no one to cuddle up to
and cold
and i cover myself with my duvet
and fall asleep again
and dream that i'm in a private jet
with only one man as my pilot
and i'm in the cockpit with him and spend a most amazing trip to finland with this guy
talking continuously about everything trivial and of great importance
the point is..

why can't i have this in real life?
why am i punished and what for?
why can't i find myself a decent guy, partner..?

maybe i should hand out questionnaires for men to fill out?
unfortunately, i've gotten used to this state of being single.
it's a shame i have to wait nearly 105 more days till i can feel myself again
and hopefully finding a man won't be so difficult as it is here
i'm sure it won't be
just why so damn long?!

take a pill

i never knew guys could be so fucked up...
revenge is sweet but what for?
yesterday i was so pissed off, now - i really couldn't care less.
just why is it always me who gets hurt and they never stop hurting me even when it's long gone finished and done with?

could someone explain that to me?

why can't i just meet a guy who would sincerely love me and care for me be there for me and be good to me? why does it always have to be the other way round that it's always me me me who does all the nice stuff and gets nothing, naught, zero, zilch in return?

questions questions questions...
being pissed off with a smile on ones face...

am i normal?
how did i ever get to this state.

:/

sometimes i feel like washing in my washing machine

so creased, used and dirty.

for the first time in months, i actually felt happy. it was cracow that brought me back to life for a while. i sat in Dynia and pondered upon this phenomena - the city that can actually make me smile. i scoffed down a lovely panini with coke, waited for friends to arrive and devoured a cup of mocha like i hadn't tasted coffee in 3 months [which happens to be true].
we sat there for 3 hours talking and catching up on our lives.
one thing's for sure - we're all going to work in the same pub this summer - bring it on baby!!

will surely enjoy a quiet night in, in front of the telly with a cup of tea, watching B.J. Diary, i can never get enough of Bridget Jones..

put on a sweater, put on a smile

putting on my skinny jeans i still feel pudgy.
the weather isn't helping either. bloody cold i say. windy and grim.
which means sitting at home and stuffing my face with chocolate [nutella by the spoons] drinking it down with hot cocoa with a break for dinner. divine.
i'm not surprised i'm an undersexed and most unfortunately unloved.
single.
i love sex and think about it all the time
surprised?
i'm just a woman.
need to get a grip and go on a 'date' .. bleh. i feel too old for dating. why can't i just go to england and find my soulmate, i know it'll never work out between a Pole and myself [unintended ambiguity] so why bother?
i'll wait till summer...

only 108 days left till 29th June..

changing our ways

Having come down the flight of stairs, I am unexpectedly approached by a horde of twenty-going-on-thirty-aged men..what a feast my eyes had! I haven't laid eyes upon such tantalizing gents since... well... summer i suppose. I thought that kind only appeared in the Land of the Rose.

So one can imagine my surprise, and oh how abruptly it was all ruined finding out that all but one were married. Damn. My luck. The left-over was 'not my type'. I gave him the cold shoulder [obviously].



Love WILL tear me apart. I promise to myself NOT TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN. Ever.