guilty pleasures

what am i doing..?
maybe someone can explain..
because i already feel like i'm cheating.

i have D on the one hand and L on the other.

L seems so mysterious in a sexy way and D is so much closer and we have just spent the whole night chatting. its ridiculous.

it's spiraled out of control cos i really wanted to be with L (if anything) but now... it seems it seems more real if things turned out with D...

funny thing is though, that i feel like i'm already cheating on L...


dilemma! what is a girl to do...??

OMFG

just as i thought things COULDN'T get any better than they are, they just did!!!!

omg, i'm still shaking :D

L just called me........ holy crap... he just called me on the phone and we actually had a proper convo............ oh this sounds so cheesy and so silly, but wow... i don't know what to say.

his voice was just as i had expected - manly, a bit, you know, i-am-a-sexy-hunk, oh my gosh, my knees are wobbly.. my heart rate went up by 100% and i'm all out of words.

NICE.

now i want more.
:D

100

this is my 100th post and i plan on celebrating... especially since i actually got a reply from Jay Brannan himself. such a cutie and such a sweetheart for trying to lift my spirits.. never thought a "celebrity" would act normally like a dear friend who worries..

such a great feeling.

and yeah, i AM going to gate crash his concert... anyone wish to join me?

closer

the title of this post is ever so ambiguous..

closer to the grand finale of college..
closer to our licencjat exam..
closer to my flight to london in may..
closer to summer..
closer to my better looking body..
closer to being 25..
closer to meeting new people (men)..
closer to getting my first proper job..

the list is endless. so many new and exciting things are waiting for us.. it's exciting but at the same time quite scary, adrenaline kickers.. but we'll survive!

actually as i am writing this i have my oh so fantastic e-learning videos on..

sosno has surprised me in so many ways ever since i got back from my gap year..first introducing a ridiculous amount of german classes, then splitting psychology and pedagogy and now this extra semester. simply wonderful to waste our saturdays..

i dont know why i didn't write yesterday when i had the most enticing conversation on fb chat with D.. he's such an adorable guy and we have so much in common!! we spent a solid two hours just talking.. deliberating about personal preferences, the future, plans, mutual and nonmutual friends, school, weight, size, gym, food, sins.. you know, the usual ;) i must say, i enjoyed it immensely. he wants to meet me in may.. and so do i. it would be fun to see him in person after 12 years.. he has changed so much.. and we seem to have clicked. it is so good to find someone who you can relate to and talk to.

as for L, he still remains the sweetest soldier boy ever. i wish he were closer...

tictac overdose

feeling hella good all this time and i have officially become free! free i tell you!! i'm free of him..
i even wrote him such beautiful bday wishes (to which i obviously didn't get a reply - heh, surprise surprise) but nonetheless, i'm so damn happy and proud of myself that i did it and i felt no remorse, no hatred just pure words right from the bottom of my heart.. no hard feelings no nothing, and i'm telling you it feels sooo good.

i can finally take in the beauty of this world, i smile to people on the streets, in the bus, in shops, in cars, smile to couples holding hands, couples kissing, single men who are young, handsome and single smile at me and i smile back that (as tjrael would put it) "radiant" smile of mine.. and i feel superb to be so cheerful.

i had a crappo, nah, it wasn't crapy it was a mixture of magnificent and crappy. had a wonderful 3 lessons at primary school (nearly finished just one more lesson to go!) but on my way back i cursed so much i could hardly contain myself. my damn skirt kept on clutching onto my tights which made it move up and further up with ever step i took. so aggravating! i had to walk from distric "H" to city point. ugh. even now, when i think about it, i was so pissed off!! i calmed down once i got inside the building where it wasnt windy and my skirt was acting normally..

i saw vicky cristina barcelona. i'd been wanting to see it for ages! and i enjoyed it immensely! i could totally realte to both the women.. i thought was more of cristina at the beginning but then i was a bit of vicky..and then a bit of cristina, and yeah - it was so much fun :)

it's exactly a month till we finish college. wow. it seems so surreal. how can it be? a month?! someone pinch me.. unbelievable how fast time flies. so little time for us to savour the moments of being students..so little time left to enjoy our company. we really need to do something - get together like we did on monday (but plan it in advance so i can cacel all my lessons!) and go for a drink down to the two lakes.. what with his beautiful weather we can't wait around!! :D

that's all on my life so far. can't wait to go to london. constantly thinking about it, thinking how drunk i'll get on saturday!! yay!! and i have a meeting with a friend whom i havent seen in ages next friday so all is really looking good!

i love being happy. i've missed this feeling for so long. glad it's back.

fearless

so caught up with college work..not really in the mood to be doing it though, much rather be out on my bike taking in the sun. i think i'll let my hair loose tomorrow and take a break from this mundane work. i've done hardly anything but i already feel like leaving it, ugh, horrible attitude but i cant help it.

on the other hand i'm feeling great - losing a bit of weight is always satisfying, especially now with summer just round the corner.

still sucked in my mystery man L.. why am i so attracted to him? i so wanna make out with someone when i go to london and by make out i mean kiss.. i miss kissing. but i have a good feeling that something will happen while i'm in town! and not with L cos he's way too far away.. unfortunately.. but at the same time, i dot mind, cos i'd devour him with my eyes. he's still such a sweetheart. amazing how many wonderful souls there are out in the world we hardly know.

bedtime kiddos x

happysad

i should be super duper happy but i'm not quite.
silly problems with teachers and getting my questionnaires back.
still, tomorrow is another day right? maybe some other teacher will be willing to help me...

as for now i'm indulging in some steczkowska and getting ready for dreamland

night night everyone.

have you ever had that feeling...

when you think someone is being too nice, too overexcited, too kind, too talkative, too friendly, just too much....especially when this man is your neighbour, and to top it off, he's married. yeah. well that's what i feel like, this man is too chummy, i mean, he's married, got kids yet i have this suspicion that this guy cannot genuinely be so considerate towards me with no hidden agenda... or can he? sometimes i think he would like to woo me somehow (well, last time he took me into his house!! and showed me his bathroom.. but that was understandable, kind of, they had just refurbished their master bathroom and he wanted to show off :) and i must admit it's stunning, very modern and luxurious) but at times i think that he is just being kind and neighbourly. i don't know.. i wish to think that he is just being nice.. but then again ;) and thus the vicious cycle goes on..

i'm infatuated with L. i am. i wish i had someone like him, or even better - him - in my life forever. i feel so happy right now just knowing that i have fantastic people around me, i feel so much better at college too, i feel like i really wanna live and taste every day, every second.. it feels so damn good.

but just as i wrote that i feel guilty, guilty that i am happy and maybe i have made G's life miserable? but then i think - he made my life a living hell for a year in 2008..he deserves it but then again, i'm not looking for revenge and i don't want him to be angry with me.. but i need my life back, i need to see this sun that has come into my life.. and i want to enjoy every moment of it.

if only G could understand. but i will not write to him, not if i see that some sort of emotional blackmail is being used or if he starts asking awkward questions.. i never want to go through what i did with artur, the worst thing that ever happened in my life.. ugh.. ania, agata, everyone - why didn't you guys slap me when i was with that bloke?! i mean you must've seen what a hideous miser he was - why didn't anyone stop me from being with him ;)?! but i guess we all encounter people for a reason..

i have a kind and huge heart. at times too kind. but i have learnt my lessons.

i am flying high x

halo

beyonce's song has been on my mind allllll day long..
it's so meaningful and so beautiful, every word carries the essence of everything i want to feel. i don't think i've been in such a state as b in her song before but hell i'd love to experience a love so deep and etched with so much passion. her voice is tremendous, extremely emotional and overwhelming. i don't know, maybe it's just me but i have truly fallen in love with this song.. the words run through my mind all the time i have had the song on repeat for the past hour or so and i relish it more and more ;)

i'll prob get sick of it really soon.. it's on my phone already.

as for L he's constantly on my mind but i should give it rest (or should i?) it's nice to know there is someone out there who actually lusts for me.. it's a very nice feeling. i wish it never ends..

had a blast

it seems like forever since i last drank any alcoholic beverage whatsoever and i tell you guys, it was oh so refreshing and joyous to drink a few GnT's last night with an amazing friend and her hubby-to-be plus their incredibly gorgeous and scrumptious lil kitty (aka mirabelka). once we sat down in the bedroom we stayed there and they did a great job of getting me quite tipsy.. which i was totally fine with :D i talked too much and i felt too much at home! i let the troubles of everyday leave me for those few hours and it felt SO DAMN GOOD.

ania - you're a star and i absolutely love you for being here with (and for) me. we didn't talk too much about G (which i'm rather happy about ;)) but we should really do that again someday when we both have time :) maybe with ania m and any other girls that wouldn't mind our company ;)! we really should consider it!

i only just got down to college work. it suddenly dawned on me that there's only one more month left of college and it has started to freak me out :/ it's so scary to think that these what-were-meant-to-be-three-but-turned-out-5 years of college are abruptly coming to a definite end and i'm freaking out as to what will be..

as for mystery guy L, has been simply adorable texting like crazy. i've gone over my monthly amount by 50zl which wasn't at the slightest difficult to accomplish. i'm very fond of him and i'm sure we'd surely make a funny pair. him being quite the hottie army lad and i the humble and shy country lass.. but both sharing a multitude of things in common and both so eagerly wanting to see each other but both knowing it would be silly to do so ;)

mystery guy M has been awfully quite recently, only writing once a week but his use of words is uttertly impressive for a guy at the handsome age of 25. he's a busy man with good looks - if only he would smile a bit more :) i'd fall for his charm. there's something about him that makes him so desirable.

mystery guy D is a primary school sweetheart who once was someone i was afraid of, he was "in the crowd" and i wasn't..i never was in primary school, i was the tall shy one who never attempted to be an 'it' girl. i was afraid of 'powerful' people, not to mention the guys who were top of the list at school. but now, being all grown up and me actualy looking decent :p and having gained a tiny weeny bit of self-confidence, i've begun to realise that life is full of risks and i's not worth sitting quiet in the corner as you won't get anything done in life. i'm not someone who is overly eccentric, rather the opposite but with a healthy dose of courage when needed. i talked to D yesterday after having realised that he is going through a hrad time in his life..i tried to be there for him, show him some encouragement that the hurt will pass with time, but i'm not promising that it'll be easy.. it was a lovely lil chat. he's such a handsome man, he's hot and he knows it :D and good for him! i'm sure he'll soon get a girl, no woman would say no to his looks! i know i wouldn't ;)

mystery guy C i don't quite like to be honest so he's off the list.

mystery guy A has been on and off.. def not someone i can depend on.. but its nice to hear from him and what he's up to. i've learnt my lesson not to trust irish lads. so he's crossed off the list but always up for a chat with him anytime.

that's it when it comes to mystery guys.. as for the not-so-mystery guy G, hm, i miss him, yes, i do.. but i think i've stopped loving him. it's taken me so long to get over it all but i think i've got to the top of the hill and now it's all downhill and hopefully there'll be a comfy fall down at the bottom as i get on my arse and slide down! it will be a long ride down, that i know but i am willing to go down and no longer up. i'm hoping this is it! i think it is :)

if it wasn't for all you lovely people, friends and aquaintances i wouldn't have got to the place where i am right now. so thank you all for being there for me and cheering me on, hoping for the best to come. it's taken me so long to see that this world is full of people who sincerely care for me and want me to be happy!

i love you all guys

breathe

i said i wouldn't write, but i did.
i wished him a happy easter with no reply.
it only made me laugh at myself and my stupidity :)
its never simple nor easy
but i have to remember to breathe
without you

ever bump in the road i try to flatten out, i reverse a million times to make sure its just right but you are a bump i will never be able to "flatten".
i'm bored of going over the same bump so many times, i want new bumps and i wanna swerve some times too.

i've promised to myself that i will get fit starting tomorrow.
bike bike bike, a6w (although that can be a bit too challenging;)), and all my 8mins workouts, so these next few months will be really fit yet fun! i cant wait to start off tomorrow, i've so much energy (good and bad) that i need to get rid of and utilize it somehow!

i wish i could just cuddle up to someone at the end of the day and get a kiss on my forehead for being such a good lass..

easter went down pretty well, i took a breath of fresh air near paprocany lake and drove a while to urbanowice, spent a while in church just taking in the mood of this special time. ate a delicious breakfast with the family and had an even more delicious and mouthwatering dinner that my mum cooked up. drank a heck load of coffe scoffed down much too many cakes but it was all so damn good! and the weather was simply fabulous. such a shame we only have two more days off..but at least we have days off ;) soon it will be our licenjat exam and summer.

still wondering if i should get tickets for may or if i should just wait till july...
i'm so indecisive..

i'm sick and tired

of your attitude.

i'm becoming independent and strong as i know some of you have been trying to convince me that now it is time for me and i think i've finally come round to seeing that.

thanks to montse, i've come to realise that i need to respect myself.
there have been so many days where i would just break down and cry, write texts to G and hope for better days which never came.. it was a vicious cycle that i'm happy to have jumped out of.
this song completely expresses everything that i've been going through recently..i need to focus on myself, on college and on finishing my BA

besides that i have finally become aware of how many friends i have around me.. the ones who i thought were closest to me are not here and i've started trusting people who are so far away. the ones who haven't ever seen me or heard my voice are the ones who know the most about me. maybe that way i feel safer as they dont judge byt my appearance and everyday behaviour.. it just seems so much easier.

i want to start over, start all over again, a fresh new start, maybe this summer in england wherever i will be, i just hope i can forget enough to be with people who truly care for me and who will be by my side like true friends should do.

i also wish i could go to london this may, maybe i will :)

everyone's so damn busy

no one wants to hang out anymore.
so sad.
i ask and i say when but i dont see them in the end.

at least i went on my bike.
and wrote a text to G
the last i ever will write
thats so certain
it was a goodbye text
and i've had enough of waiting

if you want me you know where i am

i'm nobody's star

it's difficult for me to comprehend, why on earth i can't find anyone appropriate for myself? oh how i'd love to be in someone's arms, sitting with my feet tucked under my bum in the arms of someone who i trust.. on an amazingly cosy white (ok, creamy will do too ;)) couch.. watching tv or some sweet dvd whilst munching on sweet popcorn.

why can't i have that?
why do i have to wait?
why have all the decent guys suddenly vanished from the face of this planet?
or maybe they were never here to start with...? :)

so i have to admit, i have a few guys that have been writing to me and keeping me "complany" even if it only via emails/texts but they are the sweetest guys EVER. and by sweet i mean considerate, open-minded and fricking funny. always ready to say something just to make me smile and you know what - i love it. i love it that someone is actually giving me attention! i've never felt like this before.. but why on earth do i always get so attached? if i met an of these guys i'd probably devour them in one go!! i'm becoming lethal.. this abstinence has been going on for much too long and is having a bad effect on me. so unfair. either way i cant really have any of these guys cos they are all in england. heh. but why do i even think in terms of "having" them? i dont want to possess and i dont want a serious relationship, not anymore. i've given up. i dont want to love, i want to BE loved. i wish i could just sit back and enjoy the attention, the love, the endeavours, the rivalry, the fact that i can get what i want. i really want to take life as it comes and show who's boss. seriously, i believe i'm getting there.

but i wouldn't mind one of my beau's to woo me ;) i feel like i wanna use men. and i would really take pleasure in that. i've reached the point where i dont care :) all i want is to devour.. i dont care about the rest. flirt all i can, tempt, seduce, infatuate, make them fall into a reverie, make them run after me, take advantage of them only to leave them squeeling in the end, begging for more, and i will look down upon them and kiss them goodbye never to return.

i'm back on track :) the vicious me is taking over and i like it. hopefully it will save me a lot of heartache...

food for thought

i stick to your hands like moist earth
and i become a balm as you rub me into your body
the air so dense but my skin still breathes
the shadow chilled me but you cast it away with your lips

wrap me softly around your body
wreathe me with the pulse of your lips
then lay me down as if you were fearing
that there will not be enough of me to cover you

you turn me into fire, i smell of you and i burn
you warm me up like water when i submerse into you
i flow touching your fingertips ever so gently
i know what will be when i completely lose myself
i'm burning


.dezire-płonę.

indescribable, inexplainable, inscrutable, undefinable and unfathomable feelings

breathe.

i can't.
i just can't handle it.
i can't bear the thought anymore, that he's out there HAPPY. i can't do it anymore. i can't go on pretending that i'm fine with it. cos i'm fucking well not.

facebook. he just got tagged. with a girl who has a crush on him. well at least she had one when i was with him. and now this..picture. i cant begin to explain how my heart literally JUMPED. my ribs holding it back from exploding.

fuck.

it just pierces my heart a million times in one go.


and i ate way too much today.
i'm such a pig.
and the scales say it all, i gained 2 pounds today and i didnt even have that friggin icecream!!! argh. grr.

come close and i'll bite your bloody head off tonight. i wish i could. or rip your arm out or kick your balls so it hurts like fuck or stab your hand with a knife and twist it round and round. or scratch your chest open and rip out your pounding heart that supposedly loves me.

you're such a laugh you are.
how could i have EVER fallen for you.

i hate myself for falling for you.
not for loving or losing you
but for falling for your EMPTY words

why the fuck did you lead me on?
why did i let my heart listen to you?