idle business

as i'm still stuck at home with no work, i've been on the phone to schools to go and see (2 schools to see tomorrow for teaching positions in january).

and that would be all!

had a nice sunday dinner with the family yesterday. had an awful driving lesson on friday - seriously effected my thoughts on driving. i think it has definitely made me think that i'm a shit driver. i've been getting more stressed about lessons recently rather than feeling 'excited' that i'm going to drive, it's more "errr...uh oh :/"

plus, i hate cold sores. i wish i never had them. please stay away from people with cold sores - you really don't want to catch them. trust me :/

M
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a big void

mum's ok after her op. dad's been to see her and as you'd expect it was only a fly-in visit (mum was still not quite herself).

again, i just wish i could be home, just to see mum and wish her well and chat to her, and my dad. i kind of feel terrible for them being on their own, especially with mum being in hospital, dad's all alone at home. wish there was something i could do to make them cheer up, get their hopes up.

as for MrL, i feel like every time i try to be sweet and romantic (even if it is only over the phone) i get the feeling of 'why did i bother' i don't quite get the response i anticipate.. it tends to be 'what?' or 'what are you talking about?'. sometimes i feel like giving up but i know i can't. i just want him home. i feel quite bad, i've 'taken over' his house. i've come, moved in, and i sit here all day every day, he doesn't get a moment to be on his own and do his own things. sometimes i feel it would be good for me to get away for a while to let him have time to himself. i don't know. am i wrong? i don't think i am.

because i stayed home and wanted to hear from my dad about mum, i've postponed my job centre visit till tomorrow. i hope i get something going tomorrow. fingers crossed.

M
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always something

i got a call from my dad yesterday late in the evening, chitter chatter and then he drops the bombshell 'i took your mother to hospital today' say WHAT?! my dad was so nonchalant about it. u had to pull out all the info and we finally got to the bottom of it - operation. but nothing too serious, just a hysterectomy.

by the time i've written this i should expect it will be all over and mum will be in hospital for the next week, making sure everything is ok. it's times like these (again) that i wish i could go home, even if it was just for the weekend.

btw, aniu, my dad said he saw you by 'tecza' you were catching you bus (to mikolow? to school?) i miss that - seeing friends just out and about. it's a lonely place here at the moment..

M
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hooked

ever since i saw kelly (@kelanjo) playing this song on the piano i fell in love. i had to know who composed it and i listened to the song on loop all evening, and truthfully, i still am listening to it....it's amazing, so beautiful. every time i hear such wonderful piano pieces, it makes me want to play the piano again... i wish i had one here.. especially now that i find myself stuck at home so much.. it would be perfect to sit down and play the piano from time to time.

all the years my parents made me play and then my rebellious years of abandoning the piano just because i was so bored of it... i wish i never had done that! but i didn't like doing what i was told. till this day i'm still the same - you tell me to do something and i will refuse. i will prob do it later but i won't say i have done it. is it just me who's like that?

day one with my exercise and it's going great. surprisingly, i really enjoyed running on the treadmill! i think i can get used to this. of course i'm not telling MrL that i've started exercising because he'd been at me for weeks that i could work out at home seeing that i have so much spare time... but i refused to be told what to do and ignored him. now, i'm secretly working out and i doubt i will tell him, unless he asks. am i weird?

M
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changes are happening

i've decided i need to change a few things in my life...

-  i need to be more positive about everything, i need to put on my so called 'rose-tinted spectacles' and start seeing the good in things.

-  i need to get a grip with my exercise (or should i say non-existent exercise). 8-minute workouts plus treadmill. i need to get back into shape and the swing of a more healthy lifestyle.

-  i need to start earning money, even if it means i'll be working on the tills at tesco. (look what my teaching course has given me.. .now, now maria, think positive..!)

-  i need to start being crafty..no money = no presents for xmas/bdays.... (get my thinking cap on!)

-  i need to sleep less...yes, i sleep a hell of a lot. and i shouldn't. now i need to stick to what i say!

-  i need to drink plenty of water.

-  i need to be more focused and alert whilst driving. i need to push myself and believe in myself more when i'm behind the wheel.

with all this said, i shall now stick to it and start training,drinking water and seeing the positive side to things in life.

oh, actually, on a very positive note - MrL is no longer going on tour! i'm thrilled, he's not. but i can honestly say i am so happy. we'll spend more time together and be happy together, every day!

do you have any plans for some changes?

M
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p.s. oh, i totally forgot to tell you about some cupcakes i made yesterday. apples, cinnamon and raisins - they were divine. i ate them all. in two days. ha! telling me i need to go on a diet...? yes. i do. motivation is soaring right now. i've eaten all the sweets in the house, no more temptations around, i will do this! anyway, here is a pic

trust me, they were niiiiice...

and on another note - my nail broke. don't you just hate it when that happens. and no, i'm a rebel and i will not shorten my other nails, i don't care if it looks silly i will not have them short! end of rant. goodbye!

embrace the sun

the past few days have been gray and rainy. today - the sun is out, and i must admit it is making me feel a bit better. i have one payment to make and then my bank account will be on zilch. just wondering how i will cope without my own money. sure, MrL will help me out but i don't want to be dependent of him. i've given in my application form to the pub (has no vacancies though...) and i've signed up to cafe nero (the only coffee shop here). still no work from my agency, to be honest i can't apply with any other agency because i don't have money for all the charges (crb etc) that they ask you to do. i will just have to wait out until i do get some work and just save save save. mind you, i'm so used to not spending money it's unreal. it has been at least 4 months i haven't bought anything for myself (oh, apart from the bb cream that i need to pick up from the post office). what a life.

i've had plenty of car lessons too, which i haven't been updating here as there's not that much to say, apart from  - i'm doing ok. it's not fantastic, but it's been going alright. i'm not super confident. last lesson i tried to really focus and think about everything i was doing (as MrL stated: i need to think for myself more) so i did. and becky (my instructor) really thought there was something wrong, i wasn't as talkative, chirpy or distracted (i guess)..i was focused and trying to do things myself without being told "you can go into fourth gear".

i made sunday dinner for the whole family (six people in total) consisting of beef topside, roasties, lots of veg and cheesecake with cream/icecream for dessert. was delicious. didn't take any pics as i was so busy and MrL really wan't helping. in fact, we had a bit of a tiff. why am i the one who always has to tidy the house and make it presentable? so i left him to clean the living room (after having cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen and hallway) and what did he do....? he cleaned up a few papers and went to the garage to 'fix it up'. and when the fam arrived, he stayed there. ugh, he really got under my skin. not giving in though, i don't see why i should do everything around the house.

hope your weekend has been a pleasant one!

M
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think POSITIVE for goodness sake...

ever since monday i've not been feeling too great with myself. i've been continually told that i did extremely well and that i should be really happy with my interview. but as days have passed, and having seen another school, i know how hard it is to even get an interview. i feel incredibly lucky that i had had the opportunity to take part in the interview. i'm not sure how lucky i will be for the following interview(s)...

i haven't heard from my agency about work, which means my bank account is terribly crippled. it's quite embarrassing to be my age and not have money in my account. i'm not helping MrL with any bills, any shopping , any anything really and it's making me feel like such a leech at the moment. i'm beginning to be dependent of MrL...

my driving lessons have made me get more stressed. i've never felt stressed before in my lessons but recently, since i've started going out on the roads and experienced a lot of traffic, holding up people at lights, stalling a gazillion times and losing my back 'L' plate (so noone knew i was a provisional driver on the road!) i've felt like i'm not doing great. i've made silly small mistakes that make me feel as if i'm not making progress. i'm not doing well with starting from a standstill. just little things are starting to bug me. there's so much to remember and do in such a  small amount of time...

so, today, i'm home alone and thinking aboyt how i will survive, how can i keep myself sane? how can i get happier? well, i have bourbon biscuits to start with, custard creams and jaffa cakes. it's easy for everyone to keep telling you "think positive!" but it is that much harder to actually do.

how are you coping? is everything good? i hope so...

M
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p.s. i thought i'd share some pics from last week...just to cheer this post up a bit!

 my go at making 'pierogi z miesem' (i made the pastry far too early and it managed to dry out :( - look at the ones on the left!! ugh...but they were quite delicious)

Berwick-upon-Tweed, up in the very northern point of england (right on the border with scotland) where there was sun in the south, there was rain in the north. we made the wrong chocie BUT we still had ice-cream ;)

Holy Island, where the sea ebbs and flows twice a day. we managed to catch it as it flooded the road, amazing sight and an amazing amount of birds out there, very tranquil and isolated.

the hardship

it was one heck of a tiring day, interviews are incredibly stressful and packed with constant questions and showing yourself off. this time, i did not succeed.

i got a call four hours after my interview, stating that i was a very strong candidate but they decided to go for someone with experience in KS2. which i was a bit devastated by, i gave that interview my all but it's easy to see that they would prefer someone who has taught in that key stage rather than a complete newbie. they loved my creativity and innovative ideas, they said it was a really tough and close decision. which is meant to cheer me up i guess, and in a way it made me feel great, that i could be on par with someone who has had plenty of experience...nevertheless, i didn't get the job, which is disappointing.

upwards and onwards. will be applying for another school near here and is for year 1, so maybe i might have a bit more chance... fingers crossed. i really would like to have a job.. :(

i do hope your week has started off on a much better note than mine!

M
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