give me strength

it's been nearly a week and i've been sat in front of a computer screen for nearly all that time, searching, looking, ringing and hoping.

to no avail.

i'm still stuck. still room-less. still stressed. still wanting to have my own bit of space, yet no one is willing to give me a firm 'YES'. it's hard and i let it get to me today. i melted but L managed to scrape me off the floor offering me some over-the-phone love and advice. scrambling to my feet i approach the computer once again and search, look, ring and hope.

the vicious circle seems to have no end.

on your marks, get set....

and tomorrow it's 'GO'!
i've managed to pack all my paper work that i might possibly need for Uni in London. It's terribly hard packing all the essentials..i've been here for some time now and I really don't want to go. I've been putting off packing for quite a while, and now that it's finally dawning upon me that I really do have to go, I'm uneasy, unwilling and utterly slow at getting my things ready. Plus I'm limited as to what and how much I can take as I'll be taking a train down to London.

The garden is looking so pretty now, we've managed to get our garden set out onto the decking. Next summer we're planning on getting the barbecue done and have friends and family come over for a barbi!

We've also got our dining table and chairs in the house too, and we're ever so thrilled about it! It's wonderful and suits us so much! I'll be so sad to have to go to a room in London and not have the comfort of my own living room, kitchen and lounge area with a tv :( oh, how I wish I could stay..

But, this PGCE has to be done and it's better to get it done now rather than a few years down the line. I'd rather spend this year living off beans on toast than doing nothing with my career. I can't wait to get this qualification done!

Finally, I have bought myself a laptop so I will constantly be online ;) no more excuses that I don't have a computer or the internet.

Welcome to a new chapter in my life..one that you are all invited to!!

xoxo

decision decisions...

i never thought having to buy a sofa could be so dramatically complex! we've had our eyes set on a lovely brown leather set for ages..then we went down the road of 'convenient/practical/affordable and ended up looking at corner sofas. now, we (the not-so-average-typical couple) cannot and will not set for cheap and tacky, oh no! we've travelled a gazzilion times to and fro to barker and stonehouse (a blissfully wonderful furniture shop for anyone who is looking for new room-ware ;) we cannot decide whether we should go for comfort and affordability or stretch ourselves 'a little' and go for luxury leather/fabric wing style last-you-a-million-years sofa..

dilemmas, dilemmas..

we have, however, purchased an amazing dining set! woop woop! and, to my utter amusement, the suite is called 'Poland'. lol. can't wait for it to get here!

on a completely opposite note - i've been in love with listening to ellie goulding, i'm ever so tempted to go and buy it at hmv..it would constantly play in the car that's for sure!

hope you're all having a brilliant summer
xoxo

school's almost over!

and it was time for my last ever shift at the tourny this weekend..i did not shed a tear, i did not even celebrate, i was happy it was all over..it was about bloody time!!

what with school finishing next week, i've been having to start thinking of packing up my room, ready to move to L's place. just for a month though! so excited i cannot wait to be around my man everyday without fail and have him all to my disposition every weekend!! woop woop!

xoxo

i went to church today

i had a bit of a bad week last week and i needed some 'alone time' with my maker. hopefully the next few weeks will pass without any major side effects of the previous week.

i have therefore been indulging in a LOT of retail therapy.. so many buys from topshop, h&m, zara and uniqlo. love those shops!

got myself tickets to go north again to see my man as he's soon back from denmark! woop! and my parents will be here in london next weekend - so excited!

can't believe school is nearly over.. just a month left and that's it... uni in september - lol.

hope everyone is well
xoxo

miss invigilator

i did my fair share of homework club and today i topped it up by doing my fair share of exam watching! my days at sen are beginning to look worrying. i hardly go into lessons now..just sit and look at 6th formers writing their a-level exams..i am wasting away..am i not?
i even thought that i'd be better off as a live-out nanny here in london! or even a efl teacher in a language school...which i always thought would be my last resort if i didnt get any other job here...i think that maybe i had jumped in too fast to sen? maybe this wasn't what i was supposed to do because i feel like i've totally wasted a year of my life. but had i not gotten into sen, i wouldn't have probably gotten into uni...so it's always 'cos za cos'.
i'm still suffering the fact that i get paid the least at school and i feel like telling everyone to bugger off, stay and do homework club because that's what you're getting paid for! i'm not!!

well, no need to get into a rut right now as i'm heading off to the pub for a few drinks, then come back, pack my knickers and go up north bright and early before the sun comes out to play tomorrow!

looks like it's going to be one hot weekend :) so excited! good luck to all the ladies doing race for life tomorrow.. let the wind carry you to the finish line!

xoxo

long night in hollywood

so, i was on the train to king's cross today after work, and i happened to notice a tall woman standing in front of me (i had a seat). now, there wouldn't be anything weird in seeing a woman... but a woman wearing skinny jeans and being still to skinny for them to be tight?! what on earth do people see in such tiny figures? i don't get it. ok, i understand the overall trend with being healthy and looking slim, hell, i once starved myself to get to a wonderfully light weight (yes, it felt great once i got there!) but it looks awfully horrid when you see someone that is too tiny even for skinny jeans... yikes! it made me cringe and it made me feel disgust even.

i finally have a night off from the pub! i cant believe moirae no longer works here..good for her! it's dreadfully quiet and it gets so boring. besides, everyone moans at adam and matt so it's nothing new.

school on the other hand has been a bit lousy too :/ just 5 more days and it's half term!

this weekend will probably be a blast! going to croft circuit watch Monsieur L having fun in his poor lil car. pics will be posted next week i should expect. the weather is meant to be great so fingers crossed we'll have a gay ol' time ;)

where on earth has the sun gone?! or maybe carrie could you please stop hugging it in OZ!! give us some sun here in europe!!

<3 xoxo

sexy bitch

the D.R.A.M.A. in this pub is epic.

1. Mo-Dizzle is leaving (gah!!),

2. Claire is crying her eyes out because she takes too long to get ready and everyone yells at her,

3. Jane - our gansta homie is feeling ill yet still going out, wrecking her liver some more ;)

4. Matty is being a complete woman, pms-ing day in day out, shaving his head to uncontrollably short extremes every other day, 'working' at the speed of a snail,

5. Francis (the new chef) has moved into moirae's room and tends to go out with the tourny crew (although, personally i think he doesn't really fit in...)

6. i - i'm home, trying to get an early night but yet again, having to deal with all the pa-lava of the pub drama queens... same old, same old!!

danced some tonight behind the bar - where else could you do that at work?! so much fun :) with only the regulars in the pub, moirae and myself cranked up the volume and gave it our all - singing our hearts out to the the adoring crowds, lighters in hands, going country-style!

it's ever so quiet in the pub again, we've hit that time of year when it's just empty..unless the regulars decide to come in for a drink, they really do liven up the atmosphere in the tourny..what would we do without johnny, mark, will, pool-paul, naz, maggie....etc ;)?

so excited about L coming back home and seeing his last but belated bday present! lord only knows how much i splashed out on L for his bday...it was absolutely worth it though, every penny, pound, note! the smile on his face is unforgettable. don't you just love surprising loved ones with gifts and happiness? doesn't it make you feel so good? i love spoiling him!

my hair is getting so long :D well, you know it's not half-way down my back but it is up to my shoulders and it's bloody fantastic!! how i've missed long(-ish) hair... the diversity of hairstyles, it's so much fun! and just playing with it when i'm bored, curling, straightening, making it wavy, tying it up, keeping it on one side, putting a hairband on.. so many possibilities!

so happy it's friday tomorrow, and i have the night off!! woop woop! i need to hit the shops for some minor clothes/shoes indulgence ;) till next time...

xoxo

another sunny day

sat here in 'the office' trying to sneak in some time for myself and the internet, catch up on my life and gmail chat to my dad, before my boss gets back (which could be anytime soon..) while in the room next door a bunch of kids (6 of them, to be exact) sit trembling, hands shaking, minds working like clock work, writing their exams...

and my boss came in and i finish this post at home.

so..it's such a hectic time for me.. work work work like NEVER before and i'm starting to HATE it. my life has become a boring monotony of school-pub-(not enough) sleep-school-pub-(not enough) sleep... i ask myself why i do this.. and the answer is plain and simple: money. i haven't got much in my account, to be honest it's pathetic, but how else would i survive? what i do in the pub pays solely for my rent, the rest (school cash) i spend on food and other womanly needs (i.e. an occasional splash-out on clothes/shoes/drinks..). i thought i'd be better off but as life shows, i'm NOT. i'm constantly tired, fed up, yet i always manage to slap on a smile behind the bar. i have to. it's so sad. i'd rather yell at everyone and tell them to f-off cos i wanna go to bed. i'm over the pub work. i'm over working at two places. but it has to be done. 12 more weeks... just 12 more weeks left of this craziness... please keep me sane guys! give me some love!!

xoxo

up north where the sun don't shine

i'm spending my half-term at L's place. it just seemed to be the best thing to do. don't get me wrong, it is! BUT, where the heck is the sun?! it always seems to miss the north :( i hear (rather see) from friends' status's that it's oh so nice in london, why can't i get some sun-rays huh?

besides that, any time i go on the computer, i have to listen to the silence. i have no idea what L has done but there is no sound whatsoever when i go on the comp. so no itunes, no youtube, no nothing. just the clicking of the keys on the keyboard.

L is at work. that sucks. however, we had a wonderful easter weekend, spent it at his dad's and managed not to get into the hot-tub ;) as L is at work i have all the time in the world to catch up online, read my books and (drum roll) play on the Wii !! i can't believe we got it! it's the best thing ever :) we did it at the spur of the moment. we were heading back home from our saturday shopping spree for baby lily and we decided, what the hell, let's get a Wii. so we did. a black one! i've spent hours on it already, it's so enthralling. once you start you can't stop. it's made our evenings so much fun ;)

as for buying the Wii, we have now had to knuckle down and not spend any more. i've even made up a list of things we need to save up for..we'll see how well we stick to that!

just 4 more days and it'll be time for london again :( full-time work in the pub as i'm a little short on cash at the moment (thanks to school for not paying me during breaks, ugh). back to the daily grind of work. i'm shocked that time has flown by so fast. it's already nearing the end-of-school year! amazing! and uni seems to be lurking from round the corner - yikes!

xoxo

isn't it wonderful...

...how at 7pm it is still light :) LOVE it!

haven't a really good time, not so well financially but somehow i'm still chirping happy. possibly because i'm off for the next two weeks.. easter hols. so good to have so much time off, but i'll have to bite the bullet when it comes to my payslip.

my hair is so long! well, in everyone's standards, it's not but for me..i can't remember the last time my hair touched my shoulders which is happening and its soooo great!!! i wish they were longer though ;)

the weather here is pretty lame, when you leave the house in the morning, the sun's out and you have this vision that the day will be absolutely wonderful, like a proper spring day, but then as soon as you get into work, the sky clouds over and it starts raining...and it doesn't stop! so you get out of work, in your spring coat and pumps, ready to get all soaking, squishy wet. blah.

can't wait for it to brighten up.

then again, i can't wait to get into my wellies and go for walkies with lewis, up in the hills. somehow i find it unbelievably delightful.

hope everyone is well xoxo

sunday night unwind

what a luxury it is to be able to go shopping on your day off!

i set off bright and early at 1pm :p i slept in till 11:15 - oh what joy! the sun was out, the sky was blue, i put on my ipod, chucked on my green, spring jacket, put my camera in my bag and set off for high street kensington. now, i had no intention whatsoever to spend my whole day out in the shops but i did and i dont regret it a single bit :)

time flew so fast its amazing. i stopped in for a coffee at starbucks to boost my energy levels and came home to treat myself to a tuna sweetcorn pasta! now, i guess it's time to go to bed. get ready for another week of work work work. and next weekend? well, i will be hosting mrL's stay. maybe kew gardens on sat? gordon ramsay restaurant maybe? i'm not sure yee what we'll be doing but i know i'll be happy doing whatever!

yay for sunday's, boo-hoo for mondays :(

love xoxo

finally

the week has FINALLY come to a much desired end.

i'm terribly tired. my feet are aching. i've popped on i-tunes and decided that i am going shopping tomorrow. i don't care if i don't get anything, i just want to go out and enjoy myself.

not much to say, just that i'm overly tired and stressed with work.

nothing new.

cant wait for next weekend and mrL getting his bum over here!

love all xoxo

this is the best feeling

every time i log on here, i feel like i haven't written in forever.

to be honest, i don't ever have the chance to. I'm always on the run from here because whenever i do want to write there are so many things i'd like to tell you all.

i got some wonderful news recently - i got into uni! to do my pgce course in london so i can be a primary school teacher.

i have to do the course for a year but at least that will give me a chance to earn some decent money sooner rather than later. everything seems to be looking really good right now.

i'm still madly in love with Mr.L. things are going so well for us too...well, not the me-staying-in-london part..but all in all, it's something i have to do and i cant stop now. we're having the best time and thats all that matters.

i best shoot off..i'll add more tomorrow or the day after.

hope you are all well xoxo

new year's post

there's so much to tell. not enough time or energy to do so...
but main thing is - i'm as happy as i could ever be :)

i'm still in london.
i started working in LOS at the end of October and i'm still there!
i've applied for uni to do my pgce primary course. still havent had a positive response.
i need to save A LOT of money (for uni). not good.
i need to get a second job. not good either but at least i'll be able to survive next year.
i live above a pub.
i live withing 10min walk to work :)
i pay very little for my room but i still think its too much ;)
i never go out. fact. NEVER.
i'm going to poland soon!!! very soon.
i am growing my hair out but it's not long at all yet, it was too short to start with.
i have put on weight. it's a london thing (heathrow jab).
i plan on shedding my kilos soon. like - now.
i have a wonderful bfr.
he has an amazing family that took me in for christmas and new years.
i am currently skint.
i owe my mother £200. and E50.
i might get kicked out of the pub flat anytime because the pub is in administration.
if i get kicked out my life will be a lot harder.
i have too much free time after school. which is why i could easily do a second job. pub work most probably :/
it's freezing cold in london. icy and slippery, but our school forever remains open.
luton airport is the best airport (the only one open and with all flights running normally).
i miss having my own computer.
i tend to use laura's computer when she's at work - my only connection to the outside world!
i miss friends.
i miss my family.
i miss my cat!
i have been wearing a lot of dresses recently.
we do colour co-ordinated birthdays at school!
we go to vodka revolution bar for bday drinks.
we go to the pub on fridays after school (the malt house) to drink away our hard earned money, to rid of our school worries and annoyance at some kids.
i have fallen in love with fajitas.
i need more sleep.

i'm loving this year so far - so many good things ahead!

i'm sorry for not being in touch with everyone..i just dont have that many opportunities to go online and write..

much love x

yer

i spent spent spent nearly all my money this week, i've been so terrible but i had major things i needed to buy (mainly food and dress for tonight's dinner)..and so i am left with £60 for tonight.. which i think will do. however..i'm planning on going to stockton (L's place) not this weekend but the following weekend. now, moneywise, i've no idea if i can do it.. but i'll give it my best shot, i want to go to the hills and see the stunning views of the profound beauty of the north, Lewis promised he'd take me there to indulge the picturesque landscape - i can't wait! but i will have to get some money together. i think i'll be doing some serious saving this next week. it's not really a problem i just cant go out anywhere and i'll spend my free time at home!

i'm off to do some serious chatting and catching up with friends from secondary school - yay!

my strange ways

i shall start off by recapping on past events, so:
- Lewis pleasantly surprised me by coming to london two days earlier!
- we spent 6 days (and nights ;)) together
- we went sightseeing EVERY DAY!
- we had an awesome time
- spent way too much money ;)
- i didnt work for 4 days!

we started off with monday - notting hill carnival which was a lot of fun, colourful, loud and sunny, perfect day for a carnival, tuesday i loved - natural history museum and science museum so we literally spent the whole day acting like kids ;) wednesday - london zoo, again, absolute kid-like day out but we utterly enjoyed ourselves :D later went to see inglorious basterds at leicester square's odeon, thursday - tate modern and london eye and lewis had to go back home.. but wasnt it a jam packed week?! it was brilliant i tell you!

we got on so well, starting from being simply amazing friends and slowly we got pretty close..and right now, you could say we are in a relationship... and i know that i am once again getting myself into a long distance relationship but i feel that this could be it, this could be the one..i have never ever felt that before with anyone else..the feeling is so intense, probably because for the first time in my life, a guy is so utterly and trult head over heels for me. it feels amazing being with him, he treats me like a goddess, buys me stuff and pampers me, gives me the sweetest kisses ever and hugs me so tight that i feel like i'm melting inside. the feelings are unexplicable but i'm trying my best for you to get the picture, with what started as a usual friendship and mutual respect has now evolved into something i would never have thought possible.. all my worries, thoughts and anger towards danny has somehow evaporated..gone..it means nothing to me now, i could care less, he no longer lingers in my mind and all the what if's have now been happily replaced with thoughts of lewis and what it will be like to spend the rest of my life with him :) seriously i'm soo taken by lewis and his lovely self.. he's incredible guys.

dvd - you were so right, i love you man :)

i guess my future blogs will be about lewis and maybe my voyage to stockton? :D i'm handing in my teacher assistant papers tomorrow to london oratory so please please please keep your fingers crossed that i get the job!!! i really need it!!! but then again, if i didnt get it - i'd prob go to lewis and live with him ;) meh.. i'd totally go in as a lodger at first though - that would be so fun! i really want to see him, i miss him.

x

all at once

well, L is coming over to london for sure on monday, he has his tickets and i'm all excited.
its been so hard to forget about D but because he's not here in the country its making it so much easier, but then when i think that he will be back and i might see him on the streets or when i see his car or bike, i'll fall apart in an instance. i dont know how i will cope. i'll prob grab my phone and call L to help me out..
i've been getting chatted up a lot more than i had ever expected, in and out of the pub. but i'd like to make genuine friends here and i'm finding that extremely hard. i try not to spend my days off at home, but then i end up going to the shops and spending my money which i really shouldn't be doing, especially now that L is coming and we have lots and lots of plans to go out. first on the list is natural history museum along with science museum, soho and then cinema. next day will be london eye and hm..dont know? in the evening we will go on a speed-date thingy which should be so much fun and full of uncontrolable laughter ;) then we have thursday to say goodbye. maybe hyde park and serpentine?

i'm looking forward to monday guys, i'm so happy for once.
x

almost lover

what to do?

my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of D and then i have L who is coming over to lndn next week..we talk hours on end to each other during the day (and night) it's insane.. you wouldn't believe how well we get on, we truly are best friends. it's amazing fortunate and wonderful, i wouldn't change it for anything else...but i cant stop thinking of D. what is wrong with me? is there something wrong with me? can i not see that there ARE men out there who are willing to do SOOO much for me..

i'm roaming around and i've been looking but all i see...

L has been nothing but a sweetheart to me, talking to, helping, guiding, advising, critisizing, instructing, motivating, laughing at me. that and a million other things, more than i ever got from D, but still i cant control what i feel..and that i cant give my all to L, i'm just not ready..i cant let go of the past.

so i will do everything to enjoy the time i will have with L, i'm really over the moon he will be here, within arms reach for me to look at, smile at and laugh at :) i'm so excitied. i will obviousl steal all the cuddles i can get from him. he knows that i will. i need cuddles. i miss them. and i will miss L. but i miss D too.

so this is me. in london. for now...and a long time to come (hopefully).
x

painted faces

two days off in a row - luxury!!
i'm at home, not going into town so as not to spend money that i dont have :(
i had brekkie, gona have dinner when i get back and a coffee later on in the evening, and i'm sure i'll be having a lovely chat with L before bed...
D is in spain. and i'm jealous of him!
there is a possibility that L will be in london next week...finally, friends will be reunited! it will be awesome! he really does feel like a best friend to me.. it will be so good to finally have him around for a few days so that we can talk hang out and gossip all we want in real life, seeing him smile and laugh will be a unique experience..i cant wait!
love you all

london

i've decided to write an update as my life has been pretty much hectic.
i have a job, i work at a super fun bar in west brompton, the bar staff are amazing, i love all of them to bits, they make working there worthwhile, so do the customers (but not that there are many...mostly regulars who spend hours talking to you if you're in the mood).
i live in a rented room with a polish woman who is old. she's home 24/7 but doesnt mind me coming home way past midnight (sometimes even later when i decide i want to ''hang out''at *someone's* for a bit). i cook my own food, i do my own washing, i sleep in a double bed - i'm content.

work brings in shit money. but it lets me survive somehow bu like i said, i cannot save anything as i earn so little its shameful :( i hope that september will be a rebound and i'll pick up on a few teaching jobs that i've applied for.

but the main reason of my post was to talk about men.
how confusing the little beings can be.
as it has been for a long time now, there are two men who count most for me: L & D
i thought i'd write about it here but i think it's not the right place to be doing so. they both take the most important place in my heart. but one is closer one is further. and i dont know if i should settle for what is easier. i know many would say no, but it is so difficult knowing that L is so far and i'd be getting myself into a lot of trouble again if i fell for him, i know i cant do long distance ever again. and as for d, well..i think he's still deliberating what he wants from life and so he cannot let me in just yet, but seeing how things are going, we're both on the right tracks.

its good to know you have people around you who love you. i have a job, i have two men who adore me, i have my parents and i am in london. i'm happy. and i'd be even happier if i sorted out my love life once and for all ;)

xxx

brain.dead.

so its over.
D said we are no more than just "friends"

my heart has sunk so deep
i know its not the end of the world
but it hurts

and i'll try to smile my way through it even though it will not be easy

i dont know if i will keep this blog up any more.
i dont really see the point.
maybe if i ever get back to poland it'll be back up
but i think for now, i'm done.

no good news, no happy stories to tell, so i will let my blog die.

chillax

oh i really could do with some chillaxin ;)
and a bit of encouragement and support
thats been on my mind all day really

annoyance of the day:
1. (old) MEN who snort and then spit out all their snot and disgustingness out onto the friggin pavement, i mean, come on?! who on earth does that?! you only get it in poland!! UGH. sooo gross! and i was walking behind/next to (i was walking fast) to a man who did that and SPAT right in front of my feet i gave him the DIRTIEST of looks, i mean, wtf?!?! UGH. so nasto!

2. girsl/teenagers at gym. i dont get it. why the hell do they go to the gym their age (12?) in the first place when they should be outside having fun at the playground? i dont get it...? and the amount of deo they sprayed nearly made me throw up.

3. the price of pistachios. 51zl for a kilo!! :( i nearly cried but i got myself some for 21zl... not much though :( i love pistachios :(

a rush i can't explain

why the fuck am i so emotional?
i cried under the shower tonight
i stood there and thought
why i am so scared of everything
why i am voluntarily putting myself up for loneliness for god knows how long
why i am getting no support
why i fill my head with ideas that might not even come true
why do i have to be so fucking optimistic at times
why is it that when i need to talk no one is there
why cant i be strong
why do i rely on others
why do i try so hard
why do i fall in love...?

the last question will remain forever a mystery

i need to get away
i need to go to krakow
i need to get drunk with magda
i need to forget about everyone and everything again

maybe thats the problem? i'm leaving everything and everyone behind AGAIN. maybe thats why i'm so scared? that its all happening all over again..no friends around again, this time even worse - neither parent around..? i'm scared that what i'm counting on is too fragile and it'll all break beneath me. i'm scared shitless that i've gotten involved with something that might not even exist. i have fallen deep into this one again.. i'm scared of everything.

if only he knew just how hard it is...

rain sun rain sun - make up your bloody mind!!

so the weather has been a bit hectic and i've been putting aside my bike for much too long now. no matter what i will go out on my bike tomorrow!

i had a wonderful day, woke up at 6am and the sun was shining so bright then as it came closer to 9 or 10 it was getting darker and darker and by 1 and 2 it was raining on down. luckily my ass was in the gym at the right moments so not a droplet of rain fell on me and there was a lovely breeze in the gym all the time which was such a change! cos its usually so so stuffy in there it makes it quite unbearable to workout sometimes.

annoyance of the day:
my mother.
i told her about my plans (or rather my living plans) in london and - she was ok with it! BUT literally all day she has been doing my head in about the whole trip. it makes me so angry when she gets on to the topic of london, my "career"/education, rent, money, travel, the expensiveness, the ambition that i must pursue, my job, work, job, work, money and it just goes on and on. i know she's trying to help, but i really want to try and do this ON MY OWN. i really want to try and do it by myself and achieve all my goals no matter how long it will take me to fulfill them. on the other hand i know she's older and much wiser and maybe i am being "too" harsh, but havent you been through that? when you really want to become independent from your parents? i think i'll go ahead and watch Coraline just in case ;) (thanks tjrael)

omg, 10 days?!

tell me this isn't true?!
i'm getting quite freaked out about the whole trip now cos i know i wont have the money to do nothing for even a week :( i will have to get to job hunting asap!
and to top it all off i've been bailed out by a friend who was supposed to take me in for a few weeks, and i frantically started looking for ads on gumtree.. when i got a message that i'm sorted when it comes to having a bed to sleep on... just not too sure what my parents will say when they hear with whom and so on..
but i'm 24 right?
i can make my own decisions
and this one i AM making
i need a place to stay and this is the only available option at the moment

to be honest, my parents haven't been super encouraging and supportive of me, my mum in particular ahs been "warning" me of what lies ahead and how its not gonna be easy and how i will have to work hard - i KNOW all of that! but what they also dont understand is that i like to do things differently too.. i plan, i always do and for that they should be happy ;) but they dont like the way i plan things and so i'm not sure they're gonna like my idea of where i'll be staying. but like i said, right now, there is no other option.

annoyance of the day:
my weight.
i cant believe i havent dropped. i hardly eat (although you cant see the result AT ALL) and i work out. i know i must be doing it worng but it always used to work before :/ maybe its the pill? it's my only explanation atm. and i need a tan. right. now. tanning. bed. here. i. come.

thunder at 3 am

i know its terribly late but i've been up all this time, mainly because i was watching MJ's memorial (replay, as i was out all day)
and then i started chatting to people online, sending CVs and things and time just flies!
i only just realised how late it was..
the thunder outside is crazy! rain, lightening and rumble.
wonderful night :)
lucky i'm at home and soon gonna be in bed.

i'm worried about london,
worried about me not having a job..
but uber happy to have so many good people around to help me out
uber happy to be there soon
i've checked in online already (unlike last time - damn ryanair)
i have my passport waiting for me :) it feels so good!

annoyance of the day:
my leather flip-flops.
not really the best on the world. the strap just rammed into my foot. def not wearing them tomo, i have to let my feet rest a while.

lazy monday

gym.gym.gym.

and two annoying girls there who had no previous experience in working out! hilarious! :D no towels, no water, no will power nor strength/endurance. and to top it all off they sprayed like a gazillion litres of perfume on themselves in case they got sweaty (!?) absurd. maybe it was just me who was agitated by them..? i was the only one there i suppose..

oh oh, and you gotta love the dudes who are so in love with themselves :D one in particular was walking there and back staring at me so i just started smiling back at him and he actually started chatting me up and i was trying to control myself so that i didnt laugh straight into his face :D he was so full of himself. loose top yet you could see he was ripped like mad, leather belt (why do they have those??) i didnt go down any further so that he didnt get the wrong idea and caught me looking ;) oh, funny days! shall prob be seeing him around..

annoyance of the day:
HUGE male, possibly in his 40's maybe even early 50's, bald, and sweaty. trolleybus. him sitting at the very back slap bang in the middle, could not go unnoticed. now picture this:
hawaiian shirt UNDONE totally!! MASSIVE beer belly, and i mean massive! and his shirt was undone (puke!!) shorts!!! and sandals!! omg, that guy was a fashion tragedy. i wish i'd taken a pic i mean it couldnt get any worse than that ;)!

what really gets me

last night at the club, there was one girl who was so damn desperate to get a man it was so revolting, it truly was, the first guy that literally *stuck* to her she stayed with for the whole night and my god did i wanna puke, the guy was (obvioulsy) butt ugly, he never opened his eyes (he was so drunk) AND turns out he was french so neither of them talked the whole night, it was all about the touching, close "dancing" and grinding. i find that so foul. i find that SO irritating that i was simply and genuinely running away from them all night long BUT they kept following me and i know, we were there together as a group and the bride-to-be was with me most of the time so it was no surprise that in the end we would end up within an arms reach of each other. but i seriously could NOT stand the guy. he was so hiddeous i wonder what on earth he was doing at a club and with us. sigh. but it has to be said, the night was a wonderful one :)

annoyance number two, was observed today at a family get-together. dear lord how i cant stand people who cant eat properly! when they dont know how to lift their arm towards their mouth and their arms never lift from the table. OMG that pisses me off so bad. it just goes to show who has bad/good table manners. i know for sure that those are one of the things that would make me split up with someone if he were to eat like that. SO annoying! in fact, i turn away not to look cos it pushes my butons.

katy perry alone on the dance floor

i was a celebrity last night
yet no one (here i mean GUY) would dance with me
besides the fact that ALL the guys were fricking dead ugly
bald
straight-from-the-gym type ugliness
and there i was with my pink mega-super-duper bow
and yet no one (luckily, i think) danced with me
i rubbed up against a few peeps
but it was nothing nice
sweat and nasto smells
baldness and glasses
short and burly

i mean.. does he have to be so far away?!
:p

the music was good, really dancy sort of music
the bride-to-be looked absolutely stunning and she had the time of her life (i believe)

i want more.
truly yours,
katy perry (aka omasia)

oh dear lord..

i thought i was free of him
but he is back haunting me again

i got an email this morning from him

"4 years since. And still am sick about you..."

wtf am i supposed to do about that?? i really couldn't care less
and as a side note - i thought i had blocked him on my gmail :/?

pain

i've been exposed to a month of pain and you have no idea how happy i will be (and am at the sheer thought) of finally being free of it very soon..
this pain has been so uncomfortable, so unwelcome, such a pain in the ass, such a bitch.
i want it to be gone. seriously.

on another note, licencjat has been kicking in.
i've seen so many films this week too!
i keep doing breaks whilst learning cos i cant go on rolls of learning for too long cos i wanna fall asleep, so instead i put on a film..but it really has helped me stay focused (strangely enough).
i've been getting scared of the whole exam itself though..
all my friends who have gone through it have said nothing nice about the whole procedure..
i guess it's just something you gotta get over and done with one way or another..

and where on earth has the sun gone?!
i thought it was officially summer now?
silly weather

ralph lauren

my wall (which got pissed on by my beloved cat) now smells of ralph lauren, i wasted 10 squirts of my perfume to kill the stink of cat piss, on my wall.
if anyone came into my room right now they would suffocate from the combo.
but my cat deserved it, he got kicked out of the room with me swearing at it.
i was witness to his lifting his tail and squirting some deadly smelly cat pee right on the wall that is by my pillow. i couldnt believe it.
i swore at him.
i told him to get the fuck out of my room.
i literally did.
and closed the door behind him as he left.
but that didnt satisfy my hatred.
he was meowing to go out. i said fine. i paused my film. and i went downstairs with him and opened the balcony doors and he went out.
out into the night.
now its raining and the thunder is clapping.
and he's out
and i feel a bit bad.
i called him but he's not there so i'm gonna try and go to sleep.
but if i dont wake up tomorrow you will all know why - i most probably suffocated in this ralph lauren smell...

seven pounds

i had no idea what the film i was about to watch was about but it was one of the most beautiful, mesmerizing and touching films i had seen in a very long time (possibly since the notebook)
i cannot possibly explain how the film made me feel but the tears i shed at the end say it all
amazing

i will try to watch a film a day this week
i need to catch up on some good films because all these emotions are helping me concentrate on my work (surprisingly!)

i tried to watch home but to no avail, i had to delete it
if anyone has any recommendations i'm all ears!

i'm off to read my book now..

i saw sparks

yeah i saw sparks

i've been secretly drinking GnTs all day in my room on my own
thats def not a good sign
i watched a few films and cried a bit on all of them

i miss D
i dont know why though
its not like we're together or anything
but i miss him

the rain has been even more depressing than ever
coldplay on repeat is facilitating my sorrow
my waterproof mascara is staying put
my 2 mugs of coffee have been downed
my clothes laying carelessly on my chair
my bed is done, my handbag on it along with my german books, water, book and makeup
my diploma by my radio lays unopened
my passport sits in front of me
my pearls locked up in my casket lay waiting for better days
and i sit here
in the dark
waiting
for
a
smile


with another GnT on my desk...

sunburn

REALLY bad sunburn!
to the point where my cream dries up in a matter of a minute! its insane
it was so windy today and i went out into my garden and sat in my deckchair, reading my book for a few hours. when i got up, i felt a bit hot but i hadnt realised the full extent of my redness, not until NOW. geez, i could hardly shower. i had to slow myself into it and the water was freezing cold. and you know when your body feels hot and cold at the same time, when you teeth are chattering yet you feel soo hot, well, i hate that and thats what my shower was like today.
ugh, why do i always burn?
and i look incredibly silly - red on the front and completely pale from the back.
a walking polish flag thats me!

time for bed and i have no idea how my shins will survive tonight, they seem to be hurting the most, argh...!

36 days from now

and i finally realised that its almost 5 weeks till i get to london!! omg...

i passed everything at college. i'm amazed. lets be honest here, i didnt really try my hardest but i did stress a lot and it got me so far. but frankly speaking, the worst is yet to come...

i worked out on my gym ball tonight and i pretty much enjoyed it but some things are just too difficult to master - i cant balance on my ball yet so its all a bit wobbly but looking really good, its such a fun way of working out! i'm hitting the gym tomo morning but before i do so i gotta check up on dvd's dog. she's such a cutie!

my spanish lover is being such an amazing friend. wow. always there to talk to me and make me laugh. who'd have known D would be such a genuinely nice guy? and i love the way he slightly whistles at the end of words that end with 's', its so hot!

i have a few health problems that have been worrying me recently. i need to get that sorted. other than that, life seems to be going smoothly! most importantly - i'm happy.

i'm a dreamer

thank God this friday has passed by at last
i want to break down and cry
but i know i cant
i have exams tomorrow and i have to hold on till after
i'm trying not to let things get to me

today was downhill from 3pm when i went out to get pizza
then the phone call
then danny
and my big mouth, my questions and my untrustworthiness
i want to break down and cry
but i dont have anyone's shoulder to even do so
which only gets me thinking that there's no point really
no point in crying
i'll just do that into my pillow in a sec
i wish for so many things

i wish we didnt have exams tomo cos i'm not prepared
i wish the distance was nonexistent
i wish i could treat everything as water off a duck's back (but i cant)
i wish i could keep my mouth shut at times
i wish i trusted myself
i wish i could start over again
i wish i could close up my tear ducts right now

good night
and good luck

te hecho de menos,quiero tocar tu piel!

more spanish for you my friends!!
hehe..
but oh dear, closer and closer to the dreaded results and the oh so delightful message from our tutor saying that we need all our signatures and credits signed by this friday! yikes! i still have to get my signatures from my teaching practice... blagh..

all the more closer to summer
bring on the summer and sun
noooooooooow!

we need to party guys.. we need to celebrate the end of our road together as a whole group...

corazon

slowly i'm learning spanish whether i like it or not!
the amount of adrenaline rushing through my veins at the moment is immense!
the results of our PNJA exam is tomorrow and i am shitting myself...
:(

what will be?
i will jump with joy just as long as i pass..

what about now

could you make me any happier than i am right now?
my exam went great i'm over the moon to have it behind me and for it to have gone so well, but i owe my gratitude to lucy for she pulled the questions out and i know i would have picked terrible ones!

with every exam, we're so much closer to the end..
right now i'm ecstatic but i know that once we're done i'll be sad to leave all the familiar faces behind, sad to lose touch with people, sad to be getting more independant, sad that i will no longer have the freedom to whatever i want whenever i want as i dont have a full time job.. so many things will change after we pass our licencjat..

i'm hoping for more sun
i'm hoping to get a tan
i need a new bikini
anyone know of any good places where i can get a decent one?



rain rain go away, come again another day

do something pretty while you can

i cant stand learning anymore
i dont know what it is but with every year i despise the whole learning process more and more
i wish it weren't this way
but it is
i need some motivator but at the moment it is nonexistent

i've been munching on cookies for the past week and i can see the effects
i'm addicted
and i'm getting fatter with every bite i eat

i need some sun but it just wasn't here today, was it? it's cold and all my energy has disappeared, vanished, gone down the drain along with my quirkiness
i've been in such a foul mood for the past few days
it will pass
soon

driftwood

not much to say
but that exams are coming and going and the thought of my dissertation and the stress connected with it is slowly getting to me..
monday's exam will be rather difficult
then tuesday american literature
saturday two stupid exams at uni
monday dissertation
and then three weeks to acquire all the answers to our licencjat exam
goodness
how time flies...

in fact
all i want to do is lie in D's arms and not give a toss about what is going on around me
i want to feel serene and ever so happy with a huge smile on my face tackling every day and knowing that i can hold someone's hand when i get back home
it seems so trivial but it's such a vital component for me in life knowing that i have someone to turn to, to gaze into someone's eyes seeing them sparkle, to snuggle up to whenever i feel like it, to close my eyes and listen to a heart beat, to feel wanted, to feel that there is someone by my side getting through everyday with me, there for me and vice versa, i need to feel wanted and needed and i have a need to give
this could turn out to be a really great year

as for now i need to catch up with my studying
and i'm absolutely skint
ugh :/

sweet jesus

i'm still racking my brains as to what else i got wrong in the exam..
i am worried about my use of english AND the reading part
to hell with that now

i just had a coffee and a call from lucy
who is going through the same things as i
dont you just hate that feeling after exams
when you analyse all the answers and realise you should have left the previous answer which was correct and now you have it wrong!

ugh..

can someone give me a cuddle and a hug?
can someone fly me to london for a day?
can someone be a prophet (blagh - i hate that word now!!) and tell me what will be the topic for our writing tomorrow?
can someone just give me 100% from everything?
can someone please alleviate my pain (headache)?
can someone tell me why on earth i give german lessons??

if you feel you can fulfill my dreams, send your CV to my email and i shall consider your application.

off to the chemists to clear my head.



i hope i'm not alone in saying that our PNJA was bloody difficult...?

my eager eyes

exam tomorrow and i've been sitting here all day just revising. and i feel good.

i can't stop thinking about D
its funny
primary school was so long ago
and now look what happened
i'm still in stupor
disbelief that this is happening
that we're all over each other like a rash
but it's good
it's an amazing feeling
and i don't want it to change!


It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this

now at last

college classes are over.
need i say more?

exams and licencjat linger above my head.

but at the end of all this i will be free.
night night xxx

electric bird

i needed a breather and i got it :)
i'm absolutely fine now!
i even got in the mood and i ended up buying rhubarb..
in the end i made the finest rhubarb crumble ever known to mankind ;)

ahhh...
bring on the german exam!!
i wanna go out, have fun, singm dance, smile, laugh, dreaaaam..

july.
can you please just hurry the bloody hell up?!

i want to find myself lost in your arms
touching your skin
and playing with your hair
taking in the smell of your body
and resting my head on your chest

i'm good to go
sleep

i wanna sit down and cry

when i looked at my credit book.. the straight 3+'s that i have seemed like a joke. unbelievable how i've miserably failed this semester. nothing can make it up, these marks are simply repulsive. but one thing is for sure, it's not the grades that really matter but what i have learnt. still, i cannot see the silver-lining in it all. i feel like i've dragged myself down to the floor and that i'm so small. i'm hurt to see such grades yet i know that's all it is - just a grade. but how i detest such marks. ugh. such a horrid day. the stress concerning Coffee-gusher whether i had passed or not, my paper whether she would take it in or not, Tante Tyla and my first year exam that i have yet to take (tomorrow!), all these little things have started creeping up like my teacher practice syllabus that i have yet to hand in... ugh! i need to get myself together and MAKE IT WORK. and i frickin will! i need to charge my batteries cos they are kinda running on depletion. if thats even possible?! i wont let these grades get to me, no one will know unless they look into my credit book. well, you all know. but it's not that i'm afraid to tell you or afraid what you'll think, no, it's just my self-evaluation. how did i let this happen? i keep asking myself. never has my credit book seen such pathetic marks.i suppose two or three 5's are not bad but ugh..thank god it's nearly the end..

relapse

blagh
don't know whats gotten into me but i've had such a horrible day today
absolutely horrid
i feel sick
my stomach hurts
i got so peed off with my paper
and ugh
i'm tired

i wish i could sleep for a whole day
maybe that would help something?

and i'm not liking the hush sound's album from 2008
even managed to vent at d
oops
and my weight is just a bitch
back up
grrrrrrrr

end of
no creativity whatsoever
one of those days?
tomorrow will be good
promise

weeping willow

"tears to my pillow will dry and you will learn to love again"

it's amazing to feel what i can feel right now
never crossed my mind that things could turn out this way
so soon
its this funny feeling you get inside
when you feel you've clicked with the opposite sex
and everything seems to be falling into place

and you realise
that you feel good around that someone
that you have this unexplainable desire to be in touch
you spend your time daydreaming about shared experiences
you have so much in common it's freaky

and it gets so difficult to cut a conversation short cos you need sleep ..

temporarily high

having got back today from far far away, i've realised how much i've missed out on in life ;)
life in ldn is so different. but not always better.

the most wonderful thing happened to me there though.
sincere and genuine kindness that's what.
maybe a lil fling too.
and yes. i kissed him. and it was sublime.

i looked like w wreck all weekend though, due to my lack of sleep and lack of straightener i looked like aright weirdo. hence no pictures of me from my trip!

fri/sat/sun(partially) i spent with D either in his car, his flat or his mum's. was so weird it has to be said, to see him after all these years but what a difference those years made. you sometimes look back and think - i would never expect you to end up doing that or being like that. it was hilarious but more importantly a bloody superb weekend.

sunday night i was dropped off to Lesley's where we + Shari spent the night drinking vodka+lemonade/fanta ;) monday on the other hand was tiring. got out of the house at 10 and headed straight for natural history museum, made my way to victoria and albert museum past one, then walked over to the science museum only to set off to high street kensington where i grabbed my ritual mocha at starbucks. after having enjoyed a nice convo with random guy + my coffee i went out to notting hill back to Lesley's for my bag and walked straight to the tube to catch a train into Cambridge. got there at 9pm. my legs were not aching but they surely are today!!

i got vexed with ranair cos of my stupidity and their lack of information.

i wanna go again! let me just check those tickets... ;)

a pine torn apart

i dont want to go into details of all the how's and what's in my life right now, but one thing is clear, i am feeling a lot of positive energy from people all over. i nearly fell for one yesterday. whenever i talk to D i have butterflies and then i have L who is constantly in touch with me..

i'm scared i will have to choose, that i'll have to pick one out of the two and i wish there was a logical or rational way of doing it but i'm afraid it will be one of the most difficult personal decisions i'll have to make.

i wanted to list pros for D and for L but that would be too schemed out..and rather tragic if they ever happened to stumble upon my rather not so discrete blog.

thus, i'm meeting D next week..wow..sounds so surreal yet it is true.. deep down i wish he were completely different, that he weren't so damn hot, charming, shy, loveable, ambitious, riding a motorbike, becoming a chef kind of guy and that we will not get along and THEN my choice will be so much easier.. somehow i wish i could choose L, because i know so little about him, he lives so far away and i wish i could give him a chance. but it's not like that. he's too far away. and D, well, we seem to be getting along too well...

i can't wait till next friday.

on another note, my weight loss is going superb :) makes me even more happier. but i think it's having a horrendous effect on my concentration and motivation which is seriously not good as its that time of year at college where i should be studying hard and getting work done pronto!
i need to breathe a bit.

drunk night at ania's

apparently if we dont go to bed by 3am we can last the whole night without sleep, but 'm not going to test that out ;)

i thought i'd write now as i am feeling rather hyper, plus lady gaga singing to me on my headphones.

i had a wonderful night at ania's and i cant explain how thankful i am for hr for making me get out of my house and enjoying myself, i've missed it a lot. so obvious too as after 4 drinks i'm absolutely drunk.

hm.

so far i think my spelling is great so it's all cool.

as soon as my head hits the pillow i'm dead asleep!

met a "long lost" friend whom i was very fond of and still am. great to get old friends back into my life.. luckily i didnt stay at ania's for the night cos who knows what would've happened if i had..

as it's really late and i have to go to krk tomorrow i best be going to sleep now.. wishing you all a wonderful weekend :*

guilty pleasures

what am i doing..?
maybe someone can explain..
because i already feel like i'm cheating.

i have D on the one hand and L on the other.

L seems so mysterious in a sexy way and D is so much closer and we have just spent the whole night chatting. its ridiculous.

it's spiraled out of control cos i really wanted to be with L (if anything) but now... it seems it seems more real if things turned out with D...

funny thing is though, that i feel like i'm already cheating on L...


dilemma! what is a girl to do...??

OMFG

just as i thought things COULDN'T get any better than they are, they just did!!!!

omg, i'm still shaking :D

L just called me........ holy crap... he just called me on the phone and we actually had a proper convo............ oh this sounds so cheesy and so silly, but wow... i don't know what to say.

his voice was just as i had expected - manly, a bit, you know, i-am-a-sexy-hunk, oh my gosh, my knees are wobbly.. my heart rate went up by 100% and i'm all out of words.

NICE.

now i want more.
:D

100

this is my 100th post and i plan on celebrating... especially since i actually got a reply from Jay Brannan himself. such a cutie and such a sweetheart for trying to lift my spirits.. never thought a "celebrity" would act normally like a dear friend who worries..

such a great feeling.

and yeah, i AM going to gate crash his concert... anyone wish to join me?

closer

the title of this post is ever so ambiguous..

closer to the grand finale of college..
closer to our licencjat exam..
closer to my flight to london in may..
closer to summer..
closer to my better looking body..
closer to being 25..
closer to meeting new people (men)..
closer to getting my first proper job..

the list is endless. so many new and exciting things are waiting for us.. it's exciting but at the same time quite scary, adrenaline kickers.. but we'll survive!

actually as i am writing this i have my oh so fantastic e-learning videos on..

sosno has surprised me in so many ways ever since i got back from my gap year..first introducing a ridiculous amount of german classes, then splitting psychology and pedagogy and now this extra semester. simply wonderful to waste our saturdays..

i dont know why i didn't write yesterday when i had the most enticing conversation on fb chat with D.. he's such an adorable guy and we have so much in common!! we spent a solid two hours just talking.. deliberating about personal preferences, the future, plans, mutual and nonmutual friends, school, weight, size, gym, food, sins.. you know, the usual ;) i must say, i enjoyed it immensely. he wants to meet me in may.. and so do i. it would be fun to see him in person after 12 years.. he has changed so much.. and we seem to have clicked. it is so good to find someone who you can relate to and talk to.

as for L, he still remains the sweetest soldier boy ever. i wish he were closer...

tictac overdose

feeling hella good all this time and i have officially become free! free i tell you!! i'm free of him..
i even wrote him such beautiful bday wishes (to which i obviously didn't get a reply - heh, surprise surprise) but nonetheless, i'm so damn happy and proud of myself that i did it and i felt no remorse, no hatred just pure words right from the bottom of my heart.. no hard feelings no nothing, and i'm telling you it feels sooo good.

i can finally take in the beauty of this world, i smile to people on the streets, in the bus, in shops, in cars, smile to couples holding hands, couples kissing, single men who are young, handsome and single smile at me and i smile back that (as tjrael would put it) "radiant" smile of mine.. and i feel superb to be so cheerful.

i had a crappo, nah, it wasn't crapy it was a mixture of magnificent and crappy. had a wonderful 3 lessons at primary school (nearly finished just one more lesson to go!) but on my way back i cursed so much i could hardly contain myself. my damn skirt kept on clutching onto my tights which made it move up and further up with ever step i took. so aggravating! i had to walk from distric "H" to city point. ugh. even now, when i think about it, i was so pissed off!! i calmed down once i got inside the building where it wasnt windy and my skirt was acting normally..

i saw vicky cristina barcelona. i'd been wanting to see it for ages! and i enjoyed it immensely! i could totally realte to both the women.. i thought was more of cristina at the beginning but then i was a bit of vicky..and then a bit of cristina, and yeah - it was so much fun :)

it's exactly a month till we finish college. wow. it seems so surreal. how can it be? a month?! someone pinch me.. unbelievable how fast time flies. so little time for us to savour the moments of being students..so little time left to enjoy our company. we really need to do something - get together like we did on monday (but plan it in advance so i can cacel all my lessons!) and go for a drink down to the two lakes.. what with his beautiful weather we can't wait around!! :D

that's all on my life so far. can't wait to go to london. constantly thinking about it, thinking how drunk i'll get on saturday!! yay!! and i have a meeting with a friend whom i havent seen in ages next friday so all is really looking good!

i love being happy. i've missed this feeling for so long. glad it's back.

fearless

so caught up with college work..not really in the mood to be doing it though, much rather be out on my bike taking in the sun. i think i'll let my hair loose tomorrow and take a break from this mundane work. i've done hardly anything but i already feel like leaving it, ugh, horrible attitude but i cant help it.

on the other hand i'm feeling great - losing a bit of weight is always satisfying, especially now with summer just round the corner.

still sucked in my mystery man L.. why am i so attracted to him? i so wanna make out with someone when i go to london and by make out i mean kiss.. i miss kissing. but i have a good feeling that something will happen while i'm in town! and not with L cos he's way too far away.. unfortunately.. but at the same time, i dot mind, cos i'd devour him with my eyes. he's still such a sweetheart. amazing how many wonderful souls there are out in the world we hardly know.

bedtime kiddos x

happysad

i should be super duper happy but i'm not quite.
silly problems with teachers and getting my questionnaires back.
still, tomorrow is another day right? maybe some other teacher will be willing to help me...

as for now i'm indulging in some steczkowska and getting ready for dreamland

night night everyone.

have you ever had that feeling...

when you think someone is being too nice, too overexcited, too kind, too talkative, too friendly, just too much....especially when this man is your neighbour, and to top it off, he's married. yeah. well that's what i feel like, this man is too chummy, i mean, he's married, got kids yet i have this suspicion that this guy cannot genuinely be so considerate towards me with no hidden agenda... or can he? sometimes i think he would like to woo me somehow (well, last time he took me into his house!! and showed me his bathroom.. but that was understandable, kind of, they had just refurbished their master bathroom and he wanted to show off :) and i must admit it's stunning, very modern and luxurious) but at times i think that he is just being kind and neighbourly. i don't know.. i wish to think that he is just being nice.. but then again ;) and thus the vicious cycle goes on..

i'm infatuated with L. i am. i wish i had someone like him, or even better - him - in my life forever. i feel so happy right now just knowing that i have fantastic people around me, i feel so much better at college too, i feel like i really wanna live and taste every day, every second.. it feels so damn good.

but just as i wrote that i feel guilty, guilty that i am happy and maybe i have made G's life miserable? but then i think - he made my life a living hell for a year in 2008..he deserves it but then again, i'm not looking for revenge and i don't want him to be angry with me.. but i need my life back, i need to see this sun that has come into my life.. and i want to enjoy every moment of it.

if only G could understand. but i will not write to him, not if i see that some sort of emotional blackmail is being used or if he starts asking awkward questions.. i never want to go through what i did with artur, the worst thing that ever happened in my life.. ugh.. ania, agata, everyone - why didn't you guys slap me when i was with that bloke?! i mean you must've seen what a hideous miser he was - why didn't anyone stop me from being with him ;)?! but i guess we all encounter people for a reason..

i have a kind and huge heart. at times too kind. but i have learnt my lessons.

i am flying high x

halo

beyonce's song has been on my mind allllll day long..
it's so meaningful and so beautiful, every word carries the essence of everything i want to feel. i don't think i've been in such a state as b in her song before but hell i'd love to experience a love so deep and etched with so much passion. her voice is tremendous, extremely emotional and overwhelming. i don't know, maybe it's just me but i have truly fallen in love with this song.. the words run through my mind all the time i have had the song on repeat for the past hour or so and i relish it more and more ;)

i'll prob get sick of it really soon.. it's on my phone already.

as for L he's constantly on my mind but i should give it rest (or should i?) it's nice to know there is someone out there who actually lusts for me.. it's a very nice feeling. i wish it never ends..

had a blast

it seems like forever since i last drank any alcoholic beverage whatsoever and i tell you guys, it was oh so refreshing and joyous to drink a few GnT's last night with an amazing friend and her hubby-to-be plus their incredibly gorgeous and scrumptious lil kitty (aka mirabelka). once we sat down in the bedroom we stayed there and they did a great job of getting me quite tipsy.. which i was totally fine with :D i talked too much and i felt too much at home! i let the troubles of everyday leave me for those few hours and it felt SO DAMN GOOD.

ania - you're a star and i absolutely love you for being here with (and for) me. we didn't talk too much about G (which i'm rather happy about ;)) but we should really do that again someday when we both have time :) maybe with ania m and any other girls that wouldn't mind our company ;)! we really should consider it!

i only just got down to college work. it suddenly dawned on me that there's only one more month left of college and it has started to freak me out :/ it's so scary to think that these what-were-meant-to-be-three-but-turned-out-5 years of college are abruptly coming to a definite end and i'm freaking out as to what will be..

as for mystery guy L, has been simply adorable texting like crazy. i've gone over my monthly amount by 50zl which wasn't at the slightest difficult to accomplish. i'm very fond of him and i'm sure we'd surely make a funny pair. him being quite the hottie army lad and i the humble and shy country lass.. but both sharing a multitude of things in common and both so eagerly wanting to see each other but both knowing it would be silly to do so ;)

mystery guy M has been awfully quite recently, only writing once a week but his use of words is uttertly impressive for a guy at the handsome age of 25. he's a busy man with good looks - if only he would smile a bit more :) i'd fall for his charm. there's something about him that makes him so desirable.

mystery guy D is a primary school sweetheart who once was someone i was afraid of, he was "in the crowd" and i wasn't..i never was in primary school, i was the tall shy one who never attempted to be an 'it' girl. i was afraid of 'powerful' people, not to mention the guys who were top of the list at school. but now, being all grown up and me actualy looking decent :p and having gained a tiny weeny bit of self-confidence, i've begun to realise that life is full of risks and i's not worth sitting quiet in the corner as you won't get anything done in life. i'm not someone who is overly eccentric, rather the opposite but with a healthy dose of courage when needed. i talked to D yesterday after having realised that he is going through a hrad time in his life..i tried to be there for him, show him some encouragement that the hurt will pass with time, but i'm not promising that it'll be easy.. it was a lovely lil chat. he's such a handsome man, he's hot and he knows it :D and good for him! i'm sure he'll soon get a girl, no woman would say no to his looks! i know i wouldn't ;)

mystery guy C i don't quite like to be honest so he's off the list.

mystery guy A has been on and off.. def not someone i can depend on.. but its nice to hear from him and what he's up to. i've learnt my lesson not to trust irish lads. so he's crossed off the list but always up for a chat with him anytime.

that's it when it comes to mystery guys.. as for the not-so-mystery guy G, hm, i miss him, yes, i do.. but i think i've stopped loving him. it's taken me so long to get over it all but i think i've got to the top of the hill and now it's all downhill and hopefully there'll be a comfy fall down at the bottom as i get on my arse and slide down! it will be a long ride down, that i know but i am willing to go down and no longer up. i'm hoping this is it! i think it is :)

if it wasn't for all you lovely people, friends and aquaintances i wouldn't have got to the place where i am right now. so thank you all for being there for me and cheering me on, hoping for the best to come. it's taken me so long to see that this world is full of people who sincerely care for me and want me to be happy!

i love you all guys

breathe

i said i wouldn't write, but i did.
i wished him a happy easter with no reply.
it only made me laugh at myself and my stupidity :)
its never simple nor easy
but i have to remember to breathe
without you

ever bump in the road i try to flatten out, i reverse a million times to make sure its just right but you are a bump i will never be able to "flatten".
i'm bored of going over the same bump so many times, i want new bumps and i wanna swerve some times too.

i've promised to myself that i will get fit starting tomorrow.
bike bike bike, a6w (although that can be a bit too challenging;)), and all my 8mins workouts, so these next few months will be really fit yet fun! i cant wait to start off tomorrow, i've so much energy (good and bad) that i need to get rid of and utilize it somehow!

i wish i could just cuddle up to someone at the end of the day and get a kiss on my forehead for being such a good lass..

easter went down pretty well, i took a breath of fresh air near paprocany lake and drove a while to urbanowice, spent a while in church just taking in the mood of this special time. ate a delicious breakfast with the family and had an even more delicious and mouthwatering dinner that my mum cooked up. drank a heck load of coffe scoffed down much too many cakes but it was all so damn good! and the weather was simply fabulous. such a shame we only have two more days off..but at least we have days off ;) soon it will be our licenjat exam and summer.

still wondering if i should get tickets for may or if i should just wait till july...
i'm so indecisive..

i'm sick and tired

of your attitude.

i'm becoming independent and strong as i know some of you have been trying to convince me that now it is time for me and i think i've finally come round to seeing that.

thanks to montse, i've come to realise that i need to respect myself.
there have been so many days where i would just break down and cry, write texts to G and hope for better days which never came.. it was a vicious cycle that i'm happy to have jumped out of.
this song completely expresses everything that i've been going through recently..i need to focus on myself, on college and on finishing my BA

besides that i have finally become aware of how many friends i have around me.. the ones who i thought were closest to me are not here and i've started trusting people who are so far away. the ones who haven't ever seen me or heard my voice are the ones who know the most about me. maybe that way i feel safer as they dont judge byt my appearance and everyday behaviour.. it just seems so much easier.

i want to start over, start all over again, a fresh new start, maybe this summer in england wherever i will be, i just hope i can forget enough to be with people who truly care for me and who will be by my side like true friends should do.

i also wish i could go to london this may, maybe i will :)

everyone's so damn busy

no one wants to hang out anymore.
so sad.
i ask and i say when but i dont see them in the end.

at least i went on my bike.
and wrote a text to G
the last i ever will write
thats so certain
it was a goodbye text
and i've had enough of waiting

if you want me you know where i am

i'm nobody's star

it's difficult for me to comprehend, why on earth i can't find anyone appropriate for myself? oh how i'd love to be in someone's arms, sitting with my feet tucked under my bum in the arms of someone who i trust.. on an amazingly cosy white (ok, creamy will do too ;)) couch.. watching tv or some sweet dvd whilst munching on sweet popcorn.

why can't i have that?
why do i have to wait?
why have all the decent guys suddenly vanished from the face of this planet?
or maybe they were never here to start with...? :)

so i have to admit, i have a few guys that have been writing to me and keeping me "complany" even if it only via emails/texts but they are the sweetest guys EVER. and by sweet i mean considerate, open-minded and fricking funny. always ready to say something just to make me smile and you know what - i love it. i love it that someone is actually giving me attention! i've never felt like this before.. but why on earth do i always get so attached? if i met an of these guys i'd probably devour them in one go!! i'm becoming lethal.. this abstinence has been going on for much too long and is having a bad effect on me. so unfair. either way i cant really have any of these guys cos they are all in england. heh. but why do i even think in terms of "having" them? i dont want to possess and i dont want a serious relationship, not anymore. i've given up. i dont want to love, i want to BE loved. i wish i could just sit back and enjoy the attention, the love, the endeavours, the rivalry, the fact that i can get what i want. i really want to take life as it comes and show who's boss. seriously, i believe i'm getting there.

but i wouldn't mind one of my beau's to woo me ;) i feel like i wanna use men. and i would really take pleasure in that. i've reached the point where i dont care :) all i want is to devour.. i dont care about the rest. flirt all i can, tempt, seduce, infatuate, make them fall into a reverie, make them run after me, take advantage of them only to leave them squeeling in the end, begging for more, and i will look down upon them and kiss them goodbye never to return.

i'm back on track :) the vicious me is taking over and i like it. hopefully it will save me a lot of heartache...

food for thought

i stick to your hands like moist earth
and i become a balm as you rub me into your body
the air so dense but my skin still breathes
the shadow chilled me but you cast it away with your lips

wrap me softly around your body
wreathe me with the pulse of your lips
then lay me down as if you were fearing
that there will not be enough of me to cover you

you turn me into fire, i smell of you and i burn
you warm me up like water when i submerse into you
i flow touching your fingertips ever so gently
i know what will be when i completely lose myself
i'm burning


.dezire-płonę.

indescribable, inexplainable, inscrutable, undefinable and unfathomable feelings

breathe.

i can't.
i just can't handle it.
i can't bear the thought anymore, that he's out there HAPPY. i can't do it anymore. i can't go on pretending that i'm fine with it. cos i'm fucking well not.

facebook. he just got tagged. with a girl who has a crush on him. well at least she had one when i was with him. and now this..picture. i cant begin to explain how my heart literally JUMPED. my ribs holding it back from exploding.

fuck.

it just pierces my heart a million times in one go.


and i ate way too much today.
i'm such a pig.
and the scales say it all, i gained 2 pounds today and i didnt even have that friggin icecream!!! argh. grr.

come close and i'll bite your bloody head off tonight. i wish i could. or rip your arm out or kick your balls so it hurts like fuck or stab your hand with a knife and twist it round and round. or scratch your chest open and rip out your pounding heart that supposedly loves me.

you're such a laugh you are.
how could i have EVER fallen for you.

i hate myself for falling for you.
not for loving or losing you
but for falling for your EMPTY words

why the fuck did you lead me on?
why did i let my heart listen to you?

why

am
i
so
naive
?

wrong foot forward

please take me away from here
i linger in this state of utter helplessness, idleness

i'm waiting for my knight in shining in armour

i am

and i know he will come..
he will
and we will be flying high
above all the rainbows in the sky
complete we shall be
we'll even do tai chi
and a cat we shall possess
but its name i shan't confess
as our hearts grow fonder
with all our might we will squander
all that the wind doth blow
for i know
my beau will be my saviour
from this worlds malicious behaviour
that is eating me away
i shall not be led astray
by men's foolish wooing
i am proper in my doing
that is
this showbiz

hm. off the top of my head. i'm tired.
sleep[mode]:0N

चोट पहुँचाने

i linger here on my own and in my own little world of procrastination
i dont know how i managed to get back home from my beautician on friday - i looked like hell, and if you thought i already looked like crap then imagine me afterwards.. my face was glaring red, my forehead covered with red dots, my right eye was swollen from the masacre it had to go through with getting rid of my milia.. however, i spent the most wonderful two and a half hours on the most relaxing bed ever, i had the best facial ever and algae mask... bliss i'm telling you! i was pampered and i felt so good and i didnt give a damn howw i looked, i just slid my hat on pulled it nearly over my eyes and rushed home. even now my eye is still swollen and it looks ghastly.

i have so much work to do for this week. i only started writing my summaries last night and i still have two to go and then i have to write up my lesson plans for my teacher practice and i would like to start learning for my test that i have on wednesday with monsiuer swarmork..

i'm heartbroken. i want to love. and i want to make love! i feel so lonely and so useless..

मैं अब भी तुमसे प्यार करता हूँ गैरी

not much room to live

i had dreams that i would be a nurse when i grow up
funny how things change so fast
right now i dont know what i want to do with my life, who i want to become, who i want to be, with who, where and what for

and still i dont have enough room to live!
i think of so many things i would think i could do but i never end up doing them and i throw those thoughts away into to corner of the room, now that pile of reckless and unseemly ideas has turned into a mountain and is slowly blotting out the light. i get caught up in them, they lie at my feet and i get tangled every once and again. i sometimes wonder if i had chosen the right path, if this is the way i am to be traveling, did i make the right choices..?

it seems that happiness is just round the corner but i never turn round the right one.

maybe it will find me on another lonely street amidst the smell of summer just after the rain..

konfusion

i can't imagine all the people you know and all the places you go

do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you
do you know i miss you



i miss you

resuscitate

in my sleep
awake to see
you're never here


my stomach's growling.
good sign.
weight loss here i come.

full moon tonight.
just above my window frame.

how i miss talking to you.

tears

tears to my pillow.
all night long.

anniversary?!

it was totally me to miss my very own one year anniversary on blogger.
oh no! i didn't miss it...it's today!

HAPPY ONE YEAR my beloved little blog :)

er, i didnt make a cake but i did do two posts today ;)
as part of my celebration i'll go shopping in Katowice tomorrow. hopefully i will get myself something to tune myself into a good mood and while shopping i'll be happy, thinking how lovely it is to be single, being free from lies, around people who truly and dearly care about me, with two amazing parents who love me everyday, with the best friends i could have ever imaginesd, who alliviate my heartache, who treat me to the most heavenly cups of coffee/tea one could imagine, who chitchat with me about trivial as well as conspicuous affairs. i love you all and i am so proud to have you as my friends. i couldn't ask for anything more.

all my love guys x

trying to forget

it's not easy

i've gone back to giving my posts titles. i just wasn't fond of the simplicity and total lack of "chapter and verse". i felt as if my posts were bare, so i'm giving their coats back and hoping that they will be warmer than usual.

it's been a rough time for me, when some days i want to be left alone, expecting no one to give me solace. i needed to be in solitary, just me and my shadow.

but then again today, i was longing to be around people and that's exactly what i got. i had such a lovely coffee with the two most loving and lovable souls. i was so psyched and charged that i traipsed all the way home, stopping by my local drug store only to find that they didn't have what i wanted but that did not stop me from being so chirpy and i carried on singing along to the music coming from my headphones and making my way to my "crash pad" called home.

there's nothing more to say really, only that i thoroughly relished today. i absolutely adore course. i now have a deviation - i check every word fro its synonyms.. oh dear lord.. you can see i am truly spiritless.


wait..
not only am i spiritless but also extremely bummed out, aghast and insipid, exceptionally sluggish at everything i do. in fact, i yearn to hibernate for a couple of months.


oh oh, going back to course, i have a horrible secret.. videlicet: a week ago, i'm not sure if any of you will remember, but seńor Swarmork slipped on a brick coloured tight jumper. now, i know there's nothing special or phenomenal about a jumper, but it's HOW he wore it that made my heart skip a beat! guys, you probably think i'm bonkers, he's married and he's blond but that doesn't mean i can't fantasize and build castles in the air :D i cannot possibly mention how gorgeous his torso looked. his noticeably Herculean biceps. meow. the colour complimented his skin tone perfectly. his overall appearance was breathtaking, as well as his outrageously devine self that he is in character and posture. i'm all over him like a rash. seriously, there is something wrong with me. oh well :)

yeah, so that would wrap up my week.
i am "goodish".

.March.1.2009

you will be ok
i will be ok
but we will not be ok

.February.27.2009.

today i saw emotion, a pure affection from one to another.
it was so subtle and pure in touch that i was envious and flooded with memories.

.February.26.2009.

there has been a haze recently between the paper and i.
i wanted to write a word but stopped once the pen had hit the paper.
it sat there, bleeding over the lines and made a mess of everything.
after realizing what had happened, i found it appropriate
and left it

.Feb.22.2009.

in all of life's splendour, i still wish to reverse the passing of time and age. i think i am missing the connection in my brain that this isn't right. the dots are not connecting and i keep wishing that i was a child.

i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to be carefree, to take life as it comes and not take things seriously, use people for their love, respect and devotion and you will always be in the winning position. you will never get hurt but you will take joy in being young and having fun (with men).

right now i've come to the conclusion that i'm so old. i've wasted so many years in my life looking for Mr Big that i have no memories, i have had no fun. and how will i make it up to myself? this time has passed.. it's too late now.

what will i do now in the future? what will i do in london? will i get a job or will i come back to poland and finish off my MA? what am i supposed to do? i'm so lost. and i dont wanna talk about it.

that doesnt mean i'm depressed right? it just means i need to digest this situation.

worst thing is, is that he has left all my text messages unanswered, a million questions left lingering, he has no intention of answering them.




with calmness on my face, my fingers bleed rage

i tried too hard

i wish you grew up a bit
i wish you would take life a bit more seriously
i wish you made decisions

my three wishes which i never will know if they come true as a specific part of my life has left me. its gone. its all gone.
i've no idea how to express myself.
i read over my blog from march and i promised myself i would never fall in love again. but i knew he was the one. i knew it was too good to be true. i had fallen so deep and today i drowned. the only exit is being alone, something i thought i had put behind me, something that i would never have to experience again. i left him so many of my things, so many memories. yet i have none. not a single letter not a single thing. i gave him my heart. and he hid it in a box and keeps it under his bed.
he was the only one who made me feel alive. and now i feel so dead. i feel old. and i wish i looked upon life like he does, carefree. but it would kill me, knowing how many people i would hurt along the way.
we shared the most wonderful moments. ones i will never ever forget. he was my true love, and i believe you only get one chance at true love in life and i just had mine. i wish it just lasted a bit longer.
just please dont tell me i had it coming because i didnt. i was so sure.. now i'm sure of nothing. i'm a wreck, drifting on the seas of my broken dreams. my life is empty. again.



every fibre of my being yearns for you ~m~

i'll take my clothes off

and it will be shameless
cos everyone knows
thats how you get famous.

as much as i didnt like her before, her lyrics to her new songs really actually get to me. she's not bad. i totally relate to her. and it's so fun! they're so cheerful too!

i've been having a bad time recently but i want to change that around. i want to think about my future and not what is happening now..i feel like i'm stuck at the moment and i'm hoping that positive thinking will help me move on and get myself together. i'll send you all a postcard once i get there ;)

even though i'm afraid what the future will bring i think this year will be a good one. having heard a really interesting suggestion to go to geneva after i finish college i'm really excited that i will get away from this place. but i will truly miss my family and friends. whether i end up in england or switzerland or wherever, i will miss all of you.

i need to get a grip on life and think nice thoughts.
however, 14th feb has ALWAYS had a bad effect on me and i'm really really bitter. i guess i never liked vday only because i've never been swept off my feet and invited anywhere to do something nice..its sad. but i've gotten used to it. but ever year i wish it would just go away and finish as soon as possible.

i wish i was in london.

with matches holding up my eyelids

hi.
i'm looking at my cat peacefully sleeping next to me. his life is bliss. nearly.
mine is a bit hectic what with exams and my love life.
as of now i know 10 questions out of fifty-four for my exam tomorrow.. great eh?
i'm pulling an all-nighter if i can manage but to tell you the truth i haven't done so since my last year of secondary school! so this'll be interesting.
no more coffee cos i'm scared of messing up my stomach seeing that i havent been too well for the past week. really have to watch out.
i'm feeling sleeping already..
better get back to my notes.

i think i was a bit to harsh today telling g i wasnt happy with our relationship. did i do wrong? i dont know. i dont wanna think about it. i need to concentrate on my exam.

dobranoc.

hey darling, I hope you're good tonight

tell me something sweet to get me by
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear to you that we can make this last
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
it might be for the best

uhh, if only it were so simple as the lyrics go, just sing along and wait till they sing la la la la la la laaa and make it last.

hugging my phone all day waiting for your call is not how i planned our relationship to look like.
it's a day of crisis.
i'm starting to feel. but i dont know what.
i wish i was there.
it could be all so simple.

stomach hurts - day 3.
my cat had a fit today too.
things are just not looking bright.

i still have to put up with it though.

i'll get a call from you tomorrow. it's like i count the hours - your phone calls being the frequency and the silence just a phase i must endure. because i'm always the good girl right? the one who endlessly forgives and loves. selfless and self-forgetful maria. you're all welcome to mooch off me!

what am i supposed to do??

today

has been a really good day.
i wasn't looking forward to it for many reasons i shan't explain now.
but the overall effect of today has been good on me.
i like it.

but there is one thing that lingers..
ian..
you were such a special person in so many people's lives.
its hurts me so that you had to leave us so soon.. having just turned nineteen you should've been looking forward to what the future holds. no one was ready for this. my thoughts and prayers go out to you ian baby, our beloved sweetheart of a rascal! you rocked our worlds. may you rest in peace.
<3


smiling to people is like the sun for flowers

nobody said it would be easy

The words creep up inside of me, coming out in water droplets down my check. Splashed on to the motionless hand at the paper. There is no need to share. Im just enjoying.

~Joe~

songs are just heart ache

i've been sitting here for an hour thinking what to write, well, maybe rather how to put my feelings down in words.

its the first time today that i've felt alone, truly alone. G hasn't talked to me all day and you know what..i'm beginning to get used to it. i'm scared he's slipping away. he's the only one who could make me smile with all my heart. he would tell me stories of his past, present and future and i'd be so intrigued by it all. he made promises that no one ever dared to speak of. he created a new world for me, for us. a world that has been slowly falling apart. to be honest i really wasn't expecting things to go wrong. i was hoping that this time, everything will be ok. G still says i'm the only one, that he truly cares. but doesn't that mean that you try to talk everyday, that you try to be together, try to make each other happy? i cant imagine life without him. we have been through a very rough time but i was so determined and i was so in love that i fought my way to him, through thick and thin, better and worse i believed so hard, i listened to my heart. i travelled so far and i cried so many days and nights on end. and i finally got him. it wasn't easy. and that we ended up together was a very unexpected twist my life had come up with. but from the very moment we met, in cambridge and later in gomshall, i cherished every single moment. i couldnt keep my eyes off of him. i looked at his face, his ever gleaming eyes, his lips slightly ajar and i felt that he was the one. every word he spoke i absorbed like a sponge and let it sink in, soaking my every vein. i couldnt bear the thought of losing him, i couldn't bear to leave him alone for a second, feeling as though i would miss out on his smile, laugh, joke, his look, his thought... it felt so right being with him, it felt so right that i had followed my emotions, regardless of what everyone around me was saying i stood by my emotions and i caught him in my net. his flirting with me, treating me like i were a muse, it felt amazing. his being not-too-close at first, giving me space, the tension it caused, the many sparks that were made, the chemistry grew so much to the point of no return and we indulged in each other. we devoured each other like the sea the rocks of a cliff, with no time to breathe we let ourselves go and we danced in the fields with the sun hitting our faces, glowing like never before. i fell in love. and i fell deep. the many times we sat and talked, pondering over a guinness, of what will be. i feel lonely. i cry because every fibre of my being yearns for you. i yearn for your love, for your words, lips, eyes and touch. i am withered. i have sucked out all the love that fuels me and i am drying up, there is nothing here to save me but you, yet you are nowhere to be seen. i cry out for you in my dreams, in the realms where we promised we could meet, every night. my tears like pearls glitter in hope that you would save me from this, from what i feel. my arms reach out for you but all i grasp is thin air. is this all in my head? am i overreacting? i feel cold inside. my feet are always freezing but i am cold all over today. i'm not fine and i wont be. i need you but you dont know it. i want you so bad but you're so hard to get to. you made me believe now its my turn to cry. i'm withered worn and old. i'm no good. i don't know if i'll ever be good anymore. and i've no idea what to do next...

all my love and my beaten heart are still here for you, they are yours and will be for as long as i shall live, you have been the most wonderful, inspiring, breathtaking, captivating, unique, conversational and exceptional man (irishman!) i could have ever encountered in my brief life that i am so grateful to fate or whatever it was that glorious summer night, that i met you.

you are constantly and without end on my mind and in my impoverished vascular organ, also known as heart. my soul is a wandering one and never shall rest till we both find happiness. with all my love, patience and swollen eyes i wait here for you. silently.

i want my eyeliner

its been days, weeks, months even since i last saw my black eyeliner!! it's missing.. and i miss it :( i'm afraid i will have to get a new one, but that one was special. it was from london. and it was good.

i completed doing my word box for my kiddos. yay, happy about that.

saturday night is looking like its gonna be a blast! a girls night! i shan't give details :)

i have a highly ambitious plan on cleaning/tidying my room ( i sound like a thirteen-year-old) and collect materials for my exams. and i promise myself i will not eat chocolate. maybe ;)

nothing special going on in my life.

When the black creeps in, I like the feeling it leaves in the silence
~Joe~

i am dumb

i failed my american literature course.
how wonderful.
i believe i was the only one to do so in my group. makes me feel so much better.

i feel like i wanna give up.
but i wont.
it would be stupid if i gave up now.
half way through my third year.

but to tell you guys the truth, this really doesnt motivate me.
i will have to learn the material all over again.

i'm determined to do my best at linguistics, descriptive grammar and methodology.
i'm just not so keen on american literature :/

besides. i've been going through quite a rough patch and i really dont feel like engaging socially so please do excuse me.
i've been watching triggering programmes again, not to sure why. i dont fit in my jeans, maybe thats why?

i'm not in a good mood.
can someone please take to me to london? now?