new year's post

there's so much to tell. not enough time or energy to do so...
but main thing is - i'm as happy as i could ever be :)

i'm still in london.
i started working in LOS at the end of October and i'm still there!
i've applied for uni to do my pgce primary course. still havent had a positive response.
i need to save A LOT of money (for uni). not good.
i need to get a second job. not good either but at least i'll be able to survive next year.
i live above a pub.
i live withing 10min walk to work :)
i pay very little for my room but i still think its too much ;)
i never go out. fact. NEVER.
i'm going to poland soon!!! very soon.
i am growing my hair out but it's not long at all yet, it was too short to start with.
i have put on weight. it's a london thing (heathrow jab).
i plan on shedding my kilos soon. like - now.
i have a wonderful bfr.
he has an amazing family that took me in for christmas and new years.
i am currently skint.
i owe my mother £200. and E50.
i might get kicked out of the pub flat anytime because the pub is in administration.
if i get kicked out my life will be a lot harder.
i have too much free time after school. which is why i could easily do a second job. pub work most probably :/
it's freezing cold in london. icy and slippery, but our school forever remains open.
luton airport is the best airport (the only one open and with all flights running normally).
i miss having my own computer.
i tend to use laura's computer when she's at work - my only connection to the outside world!
i miss friends.
i miss my family.
i miss my cat!
i have been wearing a lot of dresses recently.
we do colour co-ordinated birthdays at school!
we go to vodka revolution bar for bday drinks.
we go to the pub on fridays after school (the malt house) to drink away our hard earned money, to rid of our school worries and annoyance at some kids.
i have fallen in love with fajitas.
i need more sleep.

i'm loving this year so far - so many good things ahead!

i'm sorry for not being in touch with everyone..i just dont have that many opportunities to go online and write..

much love x

yer

i spent spent spent nearly all my money this week, i've been so terrible but i had major things i needed to buy (mainly food and dress for tonight's dinner)..and so i am left with £60 for tonight.. which i think will do. however..i'm planning on going to stockton (L's place) not this weekend but the following weekend. now, moneywise, i've no idea if i can do it.. but i'll give it my best shot, i want to go to the hills and see the stunning views of the profound beauty of the north, Lewis promised he'd take me there to indulge the picturesque landscape - i can't wait! but i will have to get some money together. i think i'll be doing some serious saving this next week. it's not really a problem i just cant go out anywhere and i'll spend my free time at home!

i'm off to do some serious chatting and catching up with friends from secondary school - yay!

my strange ways

i shall start off by recapping on past events, so:
- Lewis pleasantly surprised me by coming to london two days earlier!
- we spent 6 days (and nights ;)) together
- we went sightseeing EVERY DAY!
- we had an awesome time
- spent way too much money ;)
- i didnt work for 4 days!

we started off with monday - notting hill carnival which was a lot of fun, colourful, loud and sunny, perfect day for a carnival, tuesday i loved - natural history museum and science museum so we literally spent the whole day acting like kids ;) wednesday - london zoo, again, absolute kid-like day out but we utterly enjoyed ourselves :D later went to see inglorious basterds at leicester square's odeon, thursday - tate modern and london eye and lewis had to go back home.. but wasnt it a jam packed week?! it was brilliant i tell you!

we got on so well, starting from being simply amazing friends and slowly we got pretty close..and right now, you could say we are in a relationship... and i know that i am once again getting myself into a long distance relationship but i feel that this could be it, this could be the one..i have never ever felt that before with anyone else..the feeling is so intense, probably because for the first time in my life, a guy is so utterly and trult head over heels for me. it feels amazing being with him, he treats me like a goddess, buys me stuff and pampers me, gives me the sweetest kisses ever and hugs me so tight that i feel like i'm melting inside. the feelings are unexplicable but i'm trying my best for you to get the picture, with what started as a usual friendship and mutual respect has now evolved into something i would never have thought possible.. all my worries, thoughts and anger towards danny has somehow evaporated..gone..it means nothing to me now, i could care less, he no longer lingers in my mind and all the what if's have now been happily replaced with thoughts of lewis and what it will be like to spend the rest of my life with him :) seriously i'm soo taken by lewis and his lovely self.. he's incredible guys.

dvd - you were so right, i love you man :)

i guess my future blogs will be about lewis and maybe my voyage to stockton? :D i'm handing in my teacher assistant papers tomorrow to london oratory so please please please keep your fingers crossed that i get the job!!! i really need it!!! but then again, if i didnt get it - i'd prob go to lewis and live with him ;) meh.. i'd totally go in as a lodger at first though - that would be so fun! i really want to see him, i miss him.

x

all at once

well, L is coming over to london for sure on monday, he has his tickets and i'm all excited.
its been so hard to forget about D but because he's not here in the country its making it so much easier, but then when i think that he will be back and i might see him on the streets or when i see his car or bike, i'll fall apart in an instance. i dont know how i will cope. i'll prob grab my phone and call L to help me out..
i've been getting chatted up a lot more than i had ever expected, in and out of the pub. but i'd like to make genuine friends here and i'm finding that extremely hard. i try not to spend my days off at home, but then i end up going to the shops and spending my money which i really shouldn't be doing, especially now that L is coming and we have lots and lots of plans to go out. first on the list is natural history museum along with science museum, soho and then cinema. next day will be london eye and hm..dont know? in the evening we will go on a speed-date thingy which should be so much fun and full of uncontrolable laughter ;) then we have thursday to say goodbye. maybe hyde park and serpentine?

i'm looking forward to monday guys, i'm so happy for once.
x

almost lover

what to do?

my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of D and then i have L who is coming over to lndn next week..we talk hours on end to each other during the day (and night) it's insane.. you wouldn't believe how well we get on, we truly are best friends. it's amazing fortunate and wonderful, i wouldn't change it for anything else...but i cant stop thinking of D. what is wrong with me? is there something wrong with me? can i not see that there ARE men out there who are willing to do SOOO much for me..

i'm roaming around and i've been looking but all i see...

L has been nothing but a sweetheart to me, talking to, helping, guiding, advising, critisizing, instructing, motivating, laughing at me. that and a million other things, more than i ever got from D, but still i cant control what i feel..and that i cant give my all to L, i'm just not ready..i cant let go of the past.

so i will do everything to enjoy the time i will have with L, i'm really over the moon he will be here, within arms reach for me to look at, smile at and laugh at :) i'm so excitied. i will obviousl steal all the cuddles i can get from him. he knows that i will. i need cuddles. i miss them. and i will miss L. but i miss D too.

so this is me. in london. for now...and a long time to come (hopefully).
x

painted faces

two days off in a row - luxury!!
i'm at home, not going into town so as not to spend money that i dont have :(
i had brekkie, gona have dinner when i get back and a coffee later on in the evening, and i'm sure i'll be having a lovely chat with L before bed...
D is in spain. and i'm jealous of him!
there is a possibility that L will be in london next week...finally, friends will be reunited! it will be awesome! he really does feel like a best friend to me.. it will be so good to finally have him around for a few days so that we can talk hang out and gossip all we want in real life, seeing him smile and laugh will be a unique experience..i cant wait!
love you all

london

i've decided to write an update as my life has been pretty much hectic.
i have a job, i work at a super fun bar in west brompton, the bar staff are amazing, i love all of them to bits, they make working there worthwhile, so do the customers (but not that there are many...mostly regulars who spend hours talking to you if you're in the mood).
i live in a rented room with a polish woman who is old. she's home 24/7 but doesnt mind me coming home way past midnight (sometimes even later when i decide i want to ''hang out''at *someone's* for a bit). i cook my own food, i do my own washing, i sleep in a double bed - i'm content.

work brings in shit money. but it lets me survive somehow bu like i said, i cannot save anything as i earn so little its shameful :( i hope that september will be a rebound and i'll pick up on a few teaching jobs that i've applied for.

but the main reason of my post was to talk about men.
how confusing the little beings can be.
as it has been for a long time now, there are two men who count most for me: L & D
i thought i'd write about it here but i think it's not the right place to be doing so. they both take the most important place in my heart. but one is closer one is further. and i dont know if i should settle for what is easier. i know many would say no, but it is so difficult knowing that L is so far and i'd be getting myself into a lot of trouble again if i fell for him, i know i cant do long distance ever again. and as for d, well..i think he's still deliberating what he wants from life and so he cannot let me in just yet, but seeing how things are going, we're both on the right tracks.

its good to know you have people around you who love you. i have a job, i have two men who adore me, i have my parents and i am in london. i'm happy. and i'd be even happier if i sorted out my love life once and for all ;)

xxx

brain.dead.

so its over.
D said we are no more than just "friends"

my heart has sunk so deep
i know its not the end of the world
but it hurts

and i'll try to smile my way through it even though it will not be easy

i dont know if i will keep this blog up any more.
i dont really see the point.
maybe if i ever get back to poland it'll be back up
but i think for now, i'm done.

no good news, no happy stories to tell, so i will let my blog die.

chillax

oh i really could do with some chillaxin ;)
and a bit of encouragement and support
thats been on my mind all day really

annoyance of the day:
1. (old) MEN who snort and then spit out all their snot and disgustingness out onto the friggin pavement, i mean, come on?! who on earth does that?! you only get it in poland!! UGH. sooo gross! and i was walking behind/next to (i was walking fast) to a man who did that and SPAT right in front of my feet i gave him the DIRTIEST of looks, i mean, wtf?!?! UGH. so nasto!

2. girsl/teenagers at gym. i dont get it. why the hell do they go to the gym their age (12?) in the first place when they should be outside having fun at the playground? i dont get it...? and the amount of deo they sprayed nearly made me throw up.

3. the price of pistachios. 51zl for a kilo!! :( i nearly cried but i got myself some for 21zl... not much though :( i love pistachios :(

a rush i can't explain

why the fuck am i so emotional?
i cried under the shower tonight
i stood there and thought
why i am so scared of everything
why i am voluntarily putting myself up for loneliness for god knows how long
why i am getting no support
why i fill my head with ideas that might not even come true
why do i have to be so fucking optimistic at times
why is it that when i need to talk no one is there
why cant i be strong
why do i rely on others
why do i try so hard
why do i fall in love...?

the last question will remain forever a mystery

i need to get away
i need to go to krakow
i need to get drunk with magda
i need to forget about everyone and everything again

maybe thats the problem? i'm leaving everything and everyone behind AGAIN. maybe thats why i'm so scared? that its all happening all over again..no friends around again, this time even worse - neither parent around..? i'm scared that what i'm counting on is too fragile and it'll all break beneath me. i'm scared shitless that i've gotten involved with something that might not even exist. i have fallen deep into this one again.. i'm scared of everything.

if only he knew just how hard it is...

rain sun rain sun - make up your bloody mind!!

so the weather has been a bit hectic and i've been putting aside my bike for much too long now. no matter what i will go out on my bike tomorrow!

i had a wonderful day, woke up at 6am and the sun was shining so bright then as it came closer to 9 or 10 it was getting darker and darker and by 1 and 2 it was raining on down. luckily my ass was in the gym at the right moments so not a droplet of rain fell on me and there was a lovely breeze in the gym all the time which was such a change! cos its usually so so stuffy in there it makes it quite unbearable to workout sometimes.

annoyance of the day:
my mother.
i told her about my plans (or rather my living plans) in london and - she was ok with it! BUT literally all day she has been doing my head in about the whole trip. it makes me so angry when she gets on to the topic of london, my "career"/education, rent, money, travel, the expensiveness, the ambition that i must pursue, my job, work, job, work, money and it just goes on and on. i know she's trying to help, but i really want to try and do this ON MY OWN. i really want to try and do it by myself and achieve all my goals no matter how long it will take me to fulfill them. on the other hand i know she's older and much wiser and maybe i am being "too" harsh, but havent you been through that? when you really want to become independent from your parents? i think i'll go ahead and watch Coraline just in case ;) (thanks tjrael)

omg, 10 days?!

tell me this isn't true?!
i'm getting quite freaked out about the whole trip now cos i know i wont have the money to do nothing for even a week :( i will have to get to job hunting asap!
and to top it all off i've been bailed out by a friend who was supposed to take me in for a few weeks, and i frantically started looking for ads on gumtree.. when i got a message that i'm sorted when it comes to having a bed to sleep on... just not too sure what my parents will say when they hear with whom and so on..
but i'm 24 right?
i can make my own decisions
and this one i AM making
i need a place to stay and this is the only available option at the moment

to be honest, my parents haven't been super encouraging and supportive of me, my mum in particular ahs been "warning" me of what lies ahead and how its not gonna be easy and how i will have to work hard - i KNOW all of that! but what they also dont understand is that i like to do things differently too.. i plan, i always do and for that they should be happy ;) but they dont like the way i plan things and so i'm not sure they're gonna like my idea of where i'll be staying. but like i said, right now, there is no other option.

annoyance of the day:
my weight.
i cant believe i havent dropped. i hardly eat (although you cant see the result AT ALL) and i work out. i know i must be doing it worng but it always used to work before :/ maybe its the pill? it's my only explanation atm. and i need a tan. right. now. tanning. bed. here. i. come.

thunder at 3 am

i know its terribly late but i've been up all this time, mainly because i was watching MJ's memorial (replay, as i was out all day)
and then i started chatting to people online, sending CVs and things and time just flies!
i only just realised how late it was..
the thunder outside is crazy! rain, lightening and rumble.
wonderful night :)
lucky i'm at home and soon gonna be in bed.

i'm worried about london,
worried about me not having a job..
but uber happy to have so many good people around to help me out
uber happy to be there soon
i've checked in online already (unlike last time - damn ryanair)
i have my passport waiting for me :) it feels so good!

annoyance of the day:
my leather flip-flops.
not really the best on the world. the strap just rammed into my foot. def not wearing them tomo, i have to let my feet rest a while.

lazy monday

gym.gym.gym.

and two annoying girls there who had no previous experience in working out! hilarious! :D no towels, no water, no will power nor strength/endurance. and to top it all off they sprayed like a gazillion litres of perfume on themselves in case they got sweaty (!?) absurd. maybe it was just me who was agitated by them..? i was the only one there i suppose..

oh oh, and you gotta love the dudes who are so in love with themselves :D one in particular was walking there and back staring at me so i just started smiling back at him and he actually started chatting me up and i was trying to control myself so that i didnt laugh straight into his face :D he was so full of himself. loose top yet you could see he was ripped like mad, leather belt (why do they have those??) i didnt go down any further so that he didnt get the wrong idea and caught me looking ;) oh, funny days! shall prob be seeing him around..

annoyance of the day:
HUGE male, possibly in his 40's maybe even early 50's, bald, and sweaty. trolleybus. him sitting at the very back slap bang in the middle, could not go unnoticed. now picture this:
hawaiian shirt UNDONE totally!! MASSIVE beer belly, and i mean massive! and his shirt was undone (puke!!) shorts!!! and sandals!! omg, that guy was a fashion tragedy. i wish i'd taken a pic i mean it couldnt get any worse than that ;)!

what really gets me

last night at the club, there was one girl who was so damn desperate to get a man it was so revolting, it truly was, the first guy that literally *stuck* to her she stayed with for the whole night and my god did i wanna puke, the guy was (obvioulsy) butt ugly, he never opened his eyes (he was so drunk) AND turns out he was french so neither of them talked the whole night, it was all about the touching, close "dancing" and grinding. i find that so foul. i find that SO irritating that i was simply and genuinely running away from them all night long BUT they kept following me and i know, we were there together as a group and the bride-to-be was with me most of the time so it was no surprise that in the end we would end up within an arms reach of each other. but i seriously could NOT stand the guy. he was so hiddeous i wonder what on earth he was doing at a club and with us. sigh. but it has to be said, the night was a wonderful one :)

annoyance number two, was observed today at a family get-together. dear lord how i cant stand people who cant eat properly! when they dont know how to lift their arm towards their mouth and their arms never lift from the table. OMG that pisses me off so bad. it just goes to show who has bad/good table manners. i know for sure that those are one of the things that would make me split up with someone if he were to eat like that. SO annoying! in fact, i turn away not to look cos it pushes my butons.

katy perry alone on the dance floor

i was a celebrity last night
yet no one (here i mean GUY) would dance with me
besides the fact that ALL the guys were fricking dead ugly
bald
straight-from-the-gym type ugliness
and there i was with my pink mega-super-duper bow
and yet no one (luckily, i think) danced with me
i rubbed up against a few peeps
but it was nothing nice
sweat and nasto smells
baldness and glasses
short and burly

i mean.. does he have to be so far away?!
:p

the music was good, really dancy sort of music
the bride-to-be looked absolutely stunning and she had the time of her life (i believe)

i want more.
truly yours,
katy perry (aka omasia)

oh dear lord..

i thought i was free of him
but he is back haunting me again

i got an email this morning from him

"4 years since. And still am sick about you..."

wtf am i supposed to do about that?? i really couldn't care less
and as a side note - i thought i had blocked him on my gmail :/?

pain

i've been exposed to a month of pain and you have no idea how happy i will be (and am at the sheer thought) of finally being free of it very soon..
this pain has been so uncomfortable, so unwelcome, such a pain in the ass, such a bitch.
i want it to be gone. seriously.

on another note, licencjat has been kicking in.
i've seen so many films this week too!
i keep doing breaks whilst learning cos i cant go on rolls of learning for too long cos i wanna fall asleep, so instead i put on a film..but it really has helped me stay focused (strangely enough).
i've been getting scared of the whole exam itself though..
all my friends who have gone through it have said nothing nice about the whole procedure..
i guess it's just something you gotta get over and done with one way or another..

and where on earth has the sun gone?!
i thought it was officially summer now?
silly weather

ralph lauren

my wall (which got pissed on by my beloved cat) now smells of ralph lauren, i wasted 10 squirts of my perfume to kill the stink of cat piss, on my wall.
if anyone came into my room right now they would suffocate from the combo.
but my cat deserved it, he got kicked out of the room with me swearing at it.
i was witness to his lifting his tail and squirting some deadly smelly cat pee right on the wall that is by my pillow. i couldnt believe it.
i swore at him.
i told him to get the fuck out of my room.
i literally did.
and closed the door behind him as he left.
but that didnt satisfy my hatred.
he was meowing to go out. i said fine. i paused my film. and i went downstairs with him and opened the balcony doors and he went out.
out into the night.
now its raining and the thunder is clapping.
and he's out
and i feel a bit bad.
i called him but he's not there so i'm gonna try and go to sleep.
but if i dont wake up tomorrow you will all know why - i most probably suffocated in this ralph lauren smell...

seven pounds

i had no idea what the film i was about to watch was about but it was one of the most beautiful, mesmerizing and touching films i had seen in a very long time (possibly since the notebook)
i cannot possibly explain how the film made me feel but the tears i shed at the end say it all
amazing

i will try to watch a film a day this week
i need to catch up on some good films because all these emotions are helping me concentrate on my work (surprisingly!)

i tried to watch home but to no avail, i had to delete it
if anyone has any recommendations i'm all ears!

i'm off to read my book now..