.March.1.2009

you will be ok
i will be ok
but we will not be ok

.February.27.2009.

today i saw emotion, a pure affection from one to another.
it was so subtle and pure in touch that i was envious and flooded with memories.

.February.26.2009.

there has been a haze recently between the paper and i.
i wanted to write a word but stopped once the pen had hit the paper.
it sat there, bleeding over the lines and made a mess of everything.
after realizing what had happened, i found it appropriate
and left it

.Feb.22.2009.

in all of life's splendour, i still wish to reverse the passing of time and age. i think i am missing the connection in my brain that this isn't right. the dots are not connecting and i keep wishing that i was a child.

i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to be carefree, to take life as it comes and not take things seriously, use people for their love, respect and devotion and you will always be in the winning position. you will never get hurt but you will take joy in being young and having fun (with men).

right now i've come to the conclusion that i'm so old. i've wasted so many years in my life looking for Mr Big that i have no memories, i have had no fun. and how will i make it up to myself? this time has passed.. it's too late now.

what will i do now in the future? what will i do in london? will i get a job or will i come back to poland and finish off my MA? what am i supposed to do? i'm so lost. and i dont wanna talk about it.

that doesnt mean i'm depressed right? it just means i need to digest this situation.

worst thing is, is that he has left all my text messages unanswered, a million questions left lingering, he has no intention of answering them.




with calmness on my face, my fingers bleed rage

i tried too hard

i wish you grew up a bit
i wish you would take life a bit more seriously
i wish you made decisions

my three wishes which i never will know if they come true as a specific part of my life has left me. its gone. its all gone.
i've no idea how to express myself.
i read over my blog from march and i promised myself i would never fall in love again. but i knew he was the one. i knew it was too good to be true. i had fallen so deep and today i drowned. the only exit is being alone, something i thought i had put behind me, something that i would never have to experience again. i left him so many of my things, so many memories. yet i have none. not a single letter not a single thing. i gave him my heart. and he hid it in a box and keeps it under his bed.
he was the only one who made me feel alive. and now i feel so dead. i feel old. and i wish i looked upon life like he does, carefree. but it would kill me, knowing how many people i would hurt along the way.
we shared the most wonderful moments. ones i will never ever forget. he was my true love, and i believe you only get one chance at true love in life and i just had mine. i wish it just lasted a bit longer.
just please dont tell me i had it coming because i didnt. i was so sure.. now i'm sure of nothing. i'm a wreck, drifting on the seas of my broken dreams. my life is empty. again.



every fibre of my being yearns for you ~m~

i'll take my clothes off

and it will be shameless
cos everyone knows
thats how you get famous.

as much as i didnt like her before, her lyrics to her new songs really actually get to me. she's not bad. i totally relate to her. and it's so fun! they're so cheerful too!

i've been having a bad time recently but i want to change that around. i want to think about my future and not what is happening now..i feel like i'm stuck at the moment and i'm hoping that positive thinking will help me move on and get myself together. i'll send you all a postcard once i get there ;)

even though i'm afraid what the future will bring i think this year will be a good one. having heard a really interesting suggestion to go to geneva after i finish college i'm really excited that i will get away from this place. but i will truly miss my family and friends. whether i end up in england or switzerland or wherever, i will miss all of you.

i need to get a grip on life and think nice thoughts.
however, 14th feb has ALWAYS had a bad effect on me and i'm really really bitter. i guess i never liked vday only because i've never been swept off my feet and invited anywhere to do something nice..its sad. but i've gotten used to it. but ever year i wish it would just go away and finish as soon as possible.

i wish i was in london.

with matches holding up my eyelids

hi.
i'm looking at my cat peacefully sleeping next to me. his life is bliss. nearly.
mine is a bit hectic what with exams and my love life.
as of now i know 10 questions out of fifty-four for my exam tomorrow.. great eh?
i'm pulling an all-nighter if i can manage but to tell you the truth i haven't done so since my last year of secondary school! so this'll be interesting.
no more coffee cos i'm scared of messing up my stomach seeing that i havent been too well for the past week. really have to watch out.
i'm feeling sleeping already..
better get back to my notes.

i think i was a bit to harsh today telling g i wasnt happy with our relationship. did i do wrong? i dont know. i dont wanna think about it. i need to concentrate on my exam.

dobranoc.

hey darling, I hope you're good tonight

tell me something sweet to get me by
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear to you that we can make this last
if you can wait 'til I get home
then I swear come tomorrow, this will all be in our past
it might be for the best

uhh, if only it were so simple as the lyrics go, just sing along and wait till they sing la la la la la la laaa and make it last.

hugging my phone all day waiting for your call is not how i planned our relationship to look like.
it's a day of crisis.
i'm starting to feel. but i dont know what.
i wish i was there.
it could be all so simple.

stomach hurts - day 3.
my cat had a fit today too.
things are just not looking bright.

i still have to put up with it though.

i'll get a call from you tomorrow. it's like i count the hours - your phone calls being the frequency and the silence just a phase i must endure. because i'm always the good girl right? the one who endlessly forgives and loves. selfless and self-forgetful maria. you're all welcome to mooch off me!

what am i supposed to do??

today

has been a really good day.
i wasn't looking forward to it for many reasons i shan't explain now.
but the overall effect of today has been good on me.
i like it.

but there is one thing that lingers..
ian..
you were such a special person in so many people's lives.
its hurts me so that you had to leave us so soon.. having just turned nineteen you should've been looking forward to what the future holds. no one was ready for this. my thoughts and prayers go out to you ian baby, our beloved sweetheart of a rascal! you rocked our worlds. may you rest in peace.
<3


smiling to people is like the sun for flowers

nobody said it would be easy

The words creep up inside of me, coming out in water droplets down my check. Splashed on to the motionless hand at the paper. There is no need to share. Im just enjoying.

~Joe~

songs are just heart ache

i've been sitting here for an hour thinking what to write, well, maybe rather how to put my feelings down in words.

its the first time today that i've felt alone, truly alone. G hasn't talked to me all day and you know what..i'm beginning to get used to it. i'm scared he's slipping away. he's the only one who could make me smile with all my heart. he would tell me stories of his past, present and future and i'd be so intrigued by it all. he made promises that no one ever dared to speak of. he created a new world for me, for us. a world that has been slowly falling apart. to be honest i really wasn't expecting things to go wrong. i was hoping that this time, everything will be ok. G still says i'm the only one, that he truly cares. but doesn't that mean that you try to talk everyday, that you try to be together, try to make each other happy? i cant imagine life without him. we have been through a very rough time but i was so determined and i was so in love that i fought my way to him, through thick and thin, better and worse i believed so hard, i listened to my heart. i travelled so far and i cried so many days and nights on end. and i finally got him. it wasn't easy. and that we ended up together was a very unexpected twist my life had come up with. but from the very moment we met, in cambridge and later in gomshall, i cherished every single moment. i couldnt keep my eyes off of him. i looked at his face, his ever gleaming eyes, his lips slightly ajar and i felt that he was the one. every word he spoke i absorbed like a sponge and let it sink in, soaking my every vein. i couldnt bear the thought of losing him, i couldn't bear to leave him alone for a second, feeling as though i would miss out on his smile, laugh, joke, his look, his thought... it felt so right being with him, it felt so right that i had followed my emotions, regardless of what everyone around me was saying i stood by my emotions and i caught him in my net. his flirting with me, treating me like i were a muse, it felt amazing. his being not-too-close at first, giving me space, the tension it caused, the many sparks that were made, the chemistry grew so much to the point of no return and we indulged in each other. we devoured each other like the sea the rocks of a cliff, with no time to breathe we let ourselves go and we danced in the fields with the sun hitting our faces, glowing like never before. i fell in love. and i fell deep. the many times we sat and talked, pondering over a guinness, of what will be. i feel lonely. i cry because every fibre of my being yearns for you. i yearn for your love, for your words, lips, eyes and touch. i am withered. i have sucked out all the love that fuels me and i am drying up, there is nothing here to save me but you, yet you are nowhere to be seen. i cry out for you in my dreams, in the realms where we promised we could meet, every night. my tears like pearls glitter in hope that you would save me from this, from what i feel. my arms reach out for you but all i grasp is thin air. is this all in my head? am i overreacting? i feel cold inside. my feet are always freezing but i am cold all over today. i'm not fine and i wont be. i need you but you dont know it. i want you so bad but you're so hard to get to. you made me believe now its my turn to cry. i'm withered worn and old. i'm no good. i don't know if i'll ever be good anymore. and i've no idea what to do next...

all my love and my beaten heart are still here for you, they are yours and will be for as long as i shall live, you have been the most wonderful, inspiring, breathtaking, captivating, unique, conversational and exceptional man (irishman!) i could have ever encountered in my brief life that i am so grateful to fate or whatever it was that glorious summer night, that i met you.

you are constantly and without end on my mind and in my impoverished vascular organ, also known as heart. my soul is a wandering one and never shall rest till we both find happiness. with all my love, patience and swollen eyes i wait here for you. silently.

i want my eyeliner

its been days, weeks, months even since i last saw my black eyeliner!! it's missing.. and i miss it :( i'm afraid i will have to get a new one, but that one was special. it was from london. and it was good.

i completed doing my word box for my kiddos. yay, happy about that.

saturday night is looking like its gonna be a blast! a girls night! i shan't give details :)

i have a highly ambitious plan on cleaning/tidying my room ( i sound like a thirteen-year-old) and collect materials for my exams. and i promise myself i will not eat chocolate. maybe ;)

nothing special going on in my life.

When the black creeps in, I like the feeling it leaves in the silence
~Joe~

i am dumb

i failed my american literature course.
how wonderful.
i believe i was the only one to do so in my group. makes me feel so much better.

i feel like i wanna give up.
but i wont.
it would be stupid if i gave up now.
half way through my third year.

but to tell you guys the truth, this really doesnt motivate me.
i will have to learn the material all over again.

i'm determined to do my best at linguistics, descriptive grammar and methodology.
i'm just not so keen on american literature :/

besides. i've been going through quite a rough patch and i really dont feel like engaging socially so please do excuse me.
i've been watching triggering programmes again, not to sure why. i dont fit in my jeans, maybe thats why?

i'm not in a good mood.
can someone please take to me to london? now?

the end

i'm back home.
i've got my head in my german book ... again.

i'll make it short and simple...

if anyone remembers anything from the exam itself could you please please please send me some info on my yahoo email...!

thank you and goodbye
i'm off to my books ... again

take a look at me now

in roughly a months time all my summer will have come an end.. but at least i still have a month right?
workwise, all is good, maybe even better than expected. obviously i cant be bothered most of the time but its gotta be done. shifts from 3-12 do not take my liking but you gotta get through them. weekends get dreadfully busy, weekdays are unbearably boring, unless its really sunny which is a rarity.

i simply cannot wait till sunday night awhen i'll be officially preparing myself for a two day visit to london!
day 1 - london eye, travel down the river thames and a trip to madam tussuads and stay the night at mandy's
day 2 - shopping :) later on hopefully i'll meet up with mister x whom you all know as gary. will see how it'll all turn out though.
day 3 - cambridge. shopping? i'm not so sure about that day but i guess magda wants it to be. so it shall. i'd rather spend the night from day2/3 in london and go to cambridge later... i have so many friends to meet! i wish i had more time...

turns out i'll be moving to cambridge on 20th august, unless they'll need me in holywell for another week then i'll stay, but at least 2 weeks i'll be in town living with anna :] i cant wait! i'll finally be around people! and be working back in the eagle! its all so exciting, its such a shame its all ending though..

how is everyone..i wonder..?

waiting for a miracle

life in the countryside has been getting to me lately, i spend every free day in cambridge, which means once a week i'm out of here, to be frank, i dont know what i'm doing here. why did i ever decide to come here? if i had known earlier it would be like this i never would've decided to come. aaaaaand, the fact of working behind the bar is a drag. i'll never come back to england working behind the bar. it's so not worth it anymore. i'm starting to regret it that i came here - can you believe it?
besides, not everything is going as planned. i 'm supposed to meet up with gary which suddenly seems to never have and effect, it seems like we'll never meet in the end, something always has to come up. so many damn obsticles. it#s really anoying me now. i'm starting to wonder why i ever started it all again since nothing's moving forward anyway.
i have a few housemates one of which is starting to get on my nerves. but i'll write about that later on when i get more privacy.
g'day.

i think i drink too much

at work its been unbelievably busy. its been absolutely tiring but worth it as we'll be all getting bonuses for it - yay! jez came back a few days ago from his four months trip in africa, all his stories have been making me want to do the same, just the money factor is pretty crap- you need a lot to kick start the whole thing, tickets and accommodation is costly. maybe next summer? i'd love to go there and teach english in an orphanage in ginger. gosh.. that would be amazing!
my trousers are in the tumble-dryer, starting work at 5pm till close today. on saturday we started running out of ice and yesterday we literally run out of ice. how shameful? but it was a hectic saturday to start with - a wedding from 11:30am till close plus all the other usual customers that come in during the whole day, plus the weather was amazingly beautiful.. so i'm not surprised it was so damn busy but we were soo not expecting it!
i'm in constant touch with gary. end of story [for now].
i'm off to the one stop shop (in the next village) to get some jam.
i bought my ticket home for the 11th september...i can't believe it's so soon!

confused but happy

ok, workwise, it's still pretty much sucks, however more hours should be appearing by next week as a few people are going on holiday. i'm actually enjoying working behind the bar again.

on another front - i'm back in touch with gary. i dont know if i should cry or smile. i'm so confused about him. time will tell what is going on but i'm guessing it's all no good. i'm not getting my hopes up, i've learned my lessons not to give guys a second chance.

i have two days off this week and i have literally nothing to do, i sit all day and watch all the dvd's here. but i shall go down for a pimms in a minute. i love my pimms!

i wish i were in cambridge though...

misery

what should i start from? i have no idea.

my stay hasn't been at all what i expected it to be..

i left sunny poland and flew to rainy england on wednesday.

started work on friday, 6 hrs. yesterday i was supposed to work 4 hrs but did only 1,5hrs as there were too many people behind the bar and not enough people actually in the bar.. so they sent me home. so all in all i've done 7,5hrs in two days. i suspect my pay is going to be the lowest ever. i've no idea what to do. actually, i've started looking for other jobs in cambridge, but havent managed to find anything as there's not much available on the net, i'd be better off going from door to door to every shop and handing in my cv.. but i cnat do that as a) i dont have my cv here :/ and b) i'm not in cambridge but in holywell... http://maps.google.com/maps?f=l&hl=en&geocode=&q=the+old+ferry+boat&near=Holywell,+Saint+Ives,+Cambridgeshire,+UK&ie=UTF8&ll=52.320914,-0.04034&spn=0.022664,0.074844&z=14

so ladies and gents... summer ain't so fun as i expected it to be.. i'm quite disappointed with this whole situation.

i hope you're all enjoying your summer though! do get back to me and tell me how you all are.

much love.

holy macaroli!

so this is it. i'm leaving tomorrow [EDIT: TODAY!!] and i havent packed one single thing. aren't i the best? guess packing will have to be left till tomorrow morning i'm so tired right now, i'm heading off straight to bed.

and yes, i still don't want to go.
and yes, i've downloaded satc for magda and i to watch.
and yes, i cut my hair even shorter (hey - i am leaving for two whole months - watch it grow back in no time!).

and yes, i'm going to bed and thank you to all who wrote me very kind and cheerful texts for a good journey and for me to have a great time in the uk.

THANK YOU !! i willl try to blog as soon as i get there. cheerio folks!