songs are just heart ache

i've been sitting here for an hour thinking what to write, well, maybe rather how to put my feelings down in words.

its the first time today that i've felt alone, truly alone. G hasn't talked to me all day and you know what..i'm beginning to get used to it. i'm scared he's slipping away. he's the only one who could make me smile with all my heart. he would tell me stories of his past, present and future and i'd be so intrigued by it all. he made promises that no one ever dared to speak of. he created a new world for me, for us. a world that has been slowly falling apart. to be honest i really wasn't expecting things to go wrong. i was hoping that this time, everything will be ok. G still says i'm the only one, that he truly cares. but doesn't that mean that you try to talk everyday, that you try to be together, try to make each other happy? i cant imagine life without him. we have been through a very rough time but i was so determined and i was so in love that i fought my way to him, through thick and thin, better and worse i believed so hard, i listened to my heart. i travelled so far and i cried so many days and nights on end. and i finally got him. it wasn't easy. and that we ended up together was a very unexpected twist my life had come up with. but from the very moment we met, in cambridge and later in gomshall, i cherished every single moment. i couldnt keep my eyes off of him. i looked at his face, his ever gleaming eyes, his lips slightly ajar and i felt that he was the one. every word he spoke i absorbed like a sponge and let it sink in, soaking my every vein. i couldnt bear the thought of losing him, i couldn't bear to leave him alone for a second, feeling as though i would miss out on his smile, laugh, joke, his look, his thought... it felt so right being with him, it felt so right that i had followed my emotions, regardless of what everyone around me was saying i stood by my emotions and i caught him in my net. his flirting with me, treating me like i were a muse, it felt amazing. his being not-too-close at first, giving me space, the tension it caused, the many sparks that were made, the chemistry grew so much to the point of no return and we indulged in each other. we devoured each other like the sea the rocks of a cliff, with no time to breathe we let ourselves go and we danced in the fields with the sun hitting our faces, glowing like never before. i fell in love. and i fell deep. the many times we sat and talked, pondering over a guinness, of what will be. i feel lonely. i cry because every fibre of my being yearns for you. i yearn for your love, for your words, lips, eyes and touch. i am withered. i have sucked out all the love that fuels me and i am drying up, there is nothing here to save me but you, yet you are nowhere to be seen. i cry out for you in my dreams, in the realms where we promised we could meet, every night. my tears like pearls glitter in hope that you would save me from this, from what i feel. my arms reach out for you but all i grasp is thin air. is this all in my head? am i overreacting? i feel cold inside. my feet are always freezing but i am cold all over today. i'm not fine and i wont be. i need you but you dont know it. i want you so bad but you're so hard to get to. you made me believe now its my turn to cry. i'm withered worn and old. i'm no good. i don't know if i'll ever be good anymore. and i've no idea what to do next...

all my love and my beaten heart are still here for you, they are yours and will be for as long as i shall live, you have been the most wonderful, inspiring, breathtaking, captivating, unique, conversational and exceptional man (irishman!) i could have ever encountered in my brief life that i am so grateful to fate or whatever it was that glorious summer night, that i met you.

you are constantly and without end on my mind and in my impoverished vascular organ, also known as heart. my soul is a wandering one and never shall rest till we both find happiness. with all my love, patience and swollen eyes i wait here for you. silently.

i want my eyeliner

its been days, weeks, months even since i last saw my black eyeliner!! it's missing.. and i miss it :( i'm afraid i will have to get a new one, but that one was special. it was from london. and it was good.

i completed doing my word box for my kiddos. yay, happy about that.

saturday night is looking like its gonna be a blast! a girls night! i shan't give details :)

i have a highly ambitious plan on cleaning/tidying my room ( i sound like a thirteen-year-old) and collect materials for my exams. and i promise myself i will not eat chocolate. maybe ;)

nothing special going on in my life.

When the black creeps in, I like the feeling it leaves in the silence
~Joe~

i am dumb

i failed my american literature course.
how wonderful.
i believe i was the only one to do so in my group. makes me feel so much better.

i feel like i wanna give up.
but i wont.
it would be stupid if i gave up now.
half way through my third year.

but to tell you guys the truth, this really doesnt motivate me.
i will have to learn the material all over again.

i'm determined to do my best at linguistics, descriptive grammar and methodology.
i'm just not so keen on american literature :/

besides. i've been going through quite a rough patch and i really dont feel like engaging socially so please do excuse me.
i've been watching triggering programmes again, not to sure why. i dont fit in my jeans, maybe thats why?

i'm not in a good mood.
can someone please take to me to london? now?

the end

i'm back home.
i've got my head in my german book ... again.

i'll make it short and simple...

if anyone remembers anything from the exam itself could you please please please send me some info on my yahoo email...!

thank you and goodbye
i'm off to my books ... again

take a look at me now

in roughly a months time all my summer will have come an end.. but at least i still have a month right?
workwise, all is good, maybe even better than expected. obviously i cant be bothered most of the time but its gotta be done. shifts from 3-12 do not take my liking but you gotta get through them. weekends get dreadfully busy, weekdays are unbearably boring, unless its really sunny which is a rarity.

i simply cannot wait till sunday night awhen i'll be officially preparing myself for a two day visit to london!
day 1 - london eye, travel down the river thames and a trip to madam tussuads and stay the night at mandy's
day 2 - shopping :) later on hopefully i'll meet up with mister x whom you all know as gary. will see how it'll all turn out though.
day 3 - cambridge. shopping? i'm not so sure about that day but i guess magda wants it to be. so it shall. i'd rather spend the night from day2/3 in london and go to cambridge later... i have so many friends to meet! i wish i had more time...

turns out i'll be moving to cambridge on 20th august, unless they'll need me in holywell for another week then i'll stay, but at least 2 weeks i'll be in town living with anna :] i cant wait! i'll finally be around people! and be working back in the eagle! its all so exciting, its such a shame its all ending though..

how is everyone..i wonder..?

waiting for a miracle

life in the countryside has been getting to me lately, i spend every free day in cambridge, which means once a week i'm out of here, to be frank, i dont know what i'm doing here. why did i ever decide to come here? if i had known earlier it would be like this i never would've decided to come. aaaaaand, the fact of working behind the bar is a drag. i'll never come back to england working behind the bar. it's so not worth it anymore. i'm starting to regret it that i came here - can you believe it?
besides, not everything is going as planned. i 'm supposed to meet up with gary which suddenly seems to never have and effect, it seems like we'll never meet in the end, something always has to come up. so many damn obsticles. it#s really anoying me now. i'm starting to wonder why i ever started it all again since nothing's moving forward anyway.
i have a few housemates one of which is starting to get on my nerves. but i'll write about that later on when i get more privacy.
g'day.

i think i drink too much

at work its been unbelievably busy. its been absolutely tiring but worth it as we'll be all getting bonuses for it - yay! jez came back a few days ago from his four months trip in africa, all his stories have been making me want to do the same, just the money factor is pretty crap- you need a lot to kick start the whole thing, tickets and accommodation is costly. maybe next summer? i'd love to go there and teach english in an orphanage in ginger. gosh.. that would be amazing!
my trousers are in the tumble-dryer, starting work at 5pm till close today. on saturday we started running out of ice and yesterday we literally run out of ice. how shameful? but it was a hectic saturday to start with - a wedding from 11:30am till close plus all the other usual customers that come in during the whole day, plus the weather was amazingly beautiful.. so i'm not surprised it was so damn busy but we were soo not expecting it!
i'm in constant touch with gary. end of story [for now].
i'm off to the one stop shop (in the next village) to get some jam.
i bought my ticket home for the 11th september...i can't believe it's so soon!

confused but happy

ok, workwise, it's still pretty much sucks, however more hours should be appearing by next week as a few people are going on holiday. i'm actually enjoying working behind the bar again.

on another front - i'm back in touch with gary. i dont know if i should cry or smile. i'm so confused about him. time will tell what is going on but i'm guessing it's all no good. i'm not getting my hopes up, i've learned my lessons not to give guys a second chance.

i have two days off this week and i have literally nothing to do, i sit all day and watch all the dvd's here. but i shall go down for a pimms in a minute. i love my pimms!

i wish i were in cambridge though...

misery

what should i start from? i have no idea.

my stay hasn't been at all what i expected it to be..

i left sunny poland and flew to rainy england on wednesday.

started work on friday, 6 hrs. yesterday i was supposed to work 4 hrs but did only 1,5hrs as there were too many people behind the bar and not enough people actually in the bar.. so they sent me home. so all in all i've done 7,5hrs in two days. i suspect my pay is going to be the lowest ever. i've no idea what to do. actually, i've started looking for other jobs in cambridge, but havent managed to find anything as there's not much available on the net, i'd be better off going from door to door to every shop and handing in my cv.. but i cnat do that as a) i dont have my cv here :/ and b) i'm not in cambridge but in holywell... http://maps.google.com/maps?f=l&hl=en&geocode=&q=the+old+ferry+boat&near=Holywell,+Saint+Ives,+Cambridgeshire,+UK&ie=UTF8&ll=52.320914,-0.04034&spn=0.022664,0.074844&z=14

so ladies and gents... summer ain't so fun as i expected it to be.. i'm quite disappointed with this whole situation.

i hope you're all enjoying your summer though! do get back to me and tell me how you all are.

much love.

holy macaroli!

so this is it. i'm leaving tomorrow [EDIT: TODAY!!] and i havent packed one single thing. aren't i the best? guess packing will have to be left till tomorrow morning i'm so tired right now, i'm heading off straight to bed.

and yes, i still don't want to go.
and yes, i've downloaded satc for magda and i to watch.
and yes, i cut my hair even shorter (hey - i am leaving for two whole months - watch it grow back in no time!).

and yes, i'm going to bed and thank you to all who wrote me very kind and cheerful texts for a good journey and for me to have a great time in the uk.

THANK YOU !! i willl try to blog as soon as i get there. cheerio folks!

when all the world is a hopeless jumble

i'm dropping in here to say.. i dont have time to post!
how is it possible?
easy - being preoccupied with my parents coming back home today, i've had to get the house spick and span. my evenings had been filled with friends coming over for a drink or two and thus, rendering me helpless!
but seriously.
i finally got down to ironing at 0:30am just an hour and a half ago, and i just finished.

i haven't been feeling well to tell you the truth. my stomach is aching and it's not gastritis this time. i think i've just been seriously over eating (making supplies for the summer i suppose..). and i still do not want to go to work for the summer. but i know that my attitude will change once i get there and see everyone again. i hope i dont forget anything.. but i always do. it's so me to forget the most important stuff like pj's, hairbrush, charger, you name it - i've probably forgotten it!

i hope everyone's enjoying their summer.
i'll try and post a few times during my stay in th uk, but i cant promise anything. even though there's wi-fi in the pub, i dont have a laptop (surprise surprise).
fingers crossed my summer wont be as bad as i'm imagining it to be.

nighty night all!

i feel alright

i'm making it a habit of blogging whenever i endure a problem - today will not be like that. i'll tell of what i encountered today... but who would be interested in that? hmph. well, i'll go along and do it anyway.

i went to see my beautician at 11:20 and came out of the salon 2 hours later. wow, i was pampered so much i felt so good. made me feel really feminine.. now, now.. the last time i went was 2 years ago and damn i missed the whole experience but my lovely and thoughtful mother booked and paid for my appointment! that was so sweet of her. however, straight after i had my visit i had to go running for my bus to katowice to make it for my dermatologist appointment. gosh - hectic. even though i arrived just before 3pm i got back home at 7pm flat. talk about spending 2 hours in a waiting room, only to pay 80zl and be told that everything's fine and to keep on using the same products, and to come back in september. great.
got home, actually ate. watered front and back garden, sat down and watched satc (i'm addicted - i know) and finally decided it's time for bed.

i'll tan tomorrow. i need it so badly. i'm horrendously pale. makes me look sick.
do not disturb tomorrow. i'll be up at 9 though if anyone wants to be in touch ;)
i'm finding it awfully disturbing this silence at home. just me and the cat (who wakes me in the morning - my never-failing alarm clock). no one to talk to. its horrible. but the parentals will be here a week from now...and i'll be off, wow, time has flown.
woot woot.

hello, i've waited here for you
everlong

come down
and waste away with me
down with me

and i wonder
when i sing along with you
if everything could feel this real forever
if anything could be this good again

sirens, alerts, red lamps..

'virgin' on the loose.

i feel 'like a virgin'. although i haven't been touched by anyone in what... 9 months?! geez, that's long enough to have given birth and gotten pregnant again (well, nearly..). maaaan. i've been watching way too much sex and the city + a fair share of desperate housewives. that's all i've been doing these past few days - catching up on tv series. how sad. but thanks to them, i've come to realise what i'm missing out on. it didn't really bother me until someone decided to tell me about their "fabulous weekend aaaaaaand - it was just the beginning!!!!" [scream]. mhh.
and then came the tv shows and there i was on my couch thinking - i'm 24.. and i need a man. well, a man with a working penis would be great. but it's not just about the sex. it's about the quality time spent talking and laughing. i miss all of that. i'm scared i'm missing out on too much at my age. i should be out there, having fun, enjoying myself, going to parties and making out with whoever is handsome enough and maybe even having sex every night would be a bonus.
but no.
why cant i be a free soul in london [new york would do me fine too!]?
it seems so strange for me - those 9 months [wow, i cant even believe its been so long..sniff]. that's the longest i haven't slept with a guy since i was 19. can you imagine what's it's like for me? ever since i was 19 i've always had someone. and now? payback time? did i do something wrong? maybe it's because i'm here and my man is somewhere 'out there' in the BIG WORLD. i need my holiday. and God.. please make it worth while!



hopin.. and prayin, and hopin, and prayin...

boys may come and boys may go, but girlfriends are forever

and so i went to see sex and the city.. many of you may think i'm crazy but hell yeah - it was good stuff, i absolutely loved every single second of it. i wish i could go again, however my funds are nonexistent so i shall have to make do with all that i've got. but it's so true that boys [men in some cases] come and go, but girlfriends always stay. i have in mind two most important girls in my life and i hope that some day we'll be like satc women!

it all made me, for some reason, crave going to new york. i really would like to go there for at least 6 months. agata, we have to figure something out and go! and i'm not taking no for an answer! but wouldnt it be all the more fun having so much money and dressing up in prada and gucci... oh well. maybe some day...

enjoy the summer sun lads and ladettes.
i need a tan.

dr feelgood

from today, ca 12pm, i am finally living my summer. had my last exam during this academic year. woot woot. i put on the worst tights made on earth - no lycra and the top had no elastic band, so you can imagine..i had them constantly falling down to my thighs all day long..ugh..couldn't wait to get out of them ;]

oh bliss at last. SUMMER ladies and gentlemen, s u m m e r !

all this time i was waiting..its finally here. from tomorrow - drinking starts! ha.
for now, its time for bed an a huuuuge lie in tomorrow.. this is insane, it feels so unreal.. someone pinch me, is it really summer?!





yay!

craptacular

craptacular is how today goes by.
not only did our course teacher tell us we sucked in our use of english part, the listening today wasnt at all easy. i got mixed feelings and it aint good at all. i just want tomorrow to be over, get my grade (find out i passed would be enough), go home, kick off my shoes and laze about for the rest of my summer days. i'm so tired of this session..

i'm actually quite grateful that i'm flying out in july and not right after my finals..at least this way i'll have a few extra days to do nothing and take advantage of the fact that its summer and not run like mad all around the pub, collecting plates, glasses or standing behind the bar, pulling pints and smiling from ear to ear, pretending that my feet dont hurt at all.... ahh.. summer awaits!

hopefully i will shed some kilos too.

for now, i'm off to drink my (belated) five o'clock tea. ta-ta.

like a virgin

if you've no idea what i'm on about, go figure. or ask dvd.

good day today. slowly coming to an end, summer is closing in on us at such a speed its overwhelming! have i said - i cannot wait!!!

just two more days to go, fingers crossed the listening exam will be a piece of cake.



still when i'm a mess, i still put on a vest
with an S on my chest
oh yes, i'm a superwoman
yes i am

roll on the practical english exam

i'm ready baby.
even though i didnt learn much - i'm ready as i'll ever be!
i've set my mood to 'good' so you better not spoil it you stupid exam or else i'll rip your little paper body apart and throw you in the bin! and then i'll complain to your makers what a decent piece of rubbish they made of you!

i have absolutely no intention of being scared of you.
in fact, i'm going to treat you like a piece of calorie-free cake.

mmm.

am i going mad?
i think i'm just tired.

night all.

(watch me brandish that exam.. rendering it helpless..in lieu of it making me squirm and be put on the brink of sanity, i will not have a memory like a sieve tomorrow, i will extenuate that exam, i will distinguish myself in the battle of the third year's practical exam. i have no other option but to pass. you, dear exam, are in serious risk of being written all over by my pen. i will relish these moment dearly. and once i'm done, i will not tolerate peoples woes and mourning. i will be forgone that all people will have a smile on their face and we will adjourn and go home in peace.)

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

listen real hard if you'd like to hear, and watch real close or i'll disappear

here i am sitting over 50 pages worth of words, phrasal verbs, idioms, proverbs and whatnot.
it's the third time i'll be writing this exam. and to tell you the truth - today i'm pretty pissed off about it. they wouldn't let me off the hook and had to put me through the traumatic time of session, maybe before i never worried about my practical exam, and to be frank i'm not really peeing my pants just yet. but tomorrow, when we'll be in the hall, sitting at our desks, my heart will be racing.
i'm so fed up that even though i passed my previous two exams (of the same damn thing) i have to write it AGAIN.

i'm in such a bad mood today.
i hate these papers. i hate these words. i'll use them as scrap paper once i'm done. and to make things worse - i've got my period, so expect me to be snappy. i didnt go to the gym today, i couldnt be bothered to lift a finger.

i'm going to be sinful and make myself a cup of coffee now, thats all i'm yearning. i shall even embellish it with some frothy milk. mmm.

oh, andy's back in my life. we had a bit of a break up for no reason.
i like writing to him. funny how he manages to make smile even though we're so far apart and have never seen each other in real life.

i heard from my girl magda, she's in st ives already and i'll be joining her on 9th july. i cannot wait. summer's nearly here guys... nearly!

just wishing for some sun though..

sprechen sie deutsch?

i've been living, dreaming, eating, sleeping and generally living my end of course assessment for the past couple of days. that is why my posts have been so scarce recently. for example today i had 12 full hours of german, from 12-24. but how much will i remember? i am amazed and a little scared that it's the end of the year..

few exams coming up this week. keep your fingers crossed.

it'll be back to the grindstone tomorrow though.

i suspect that a quick shower and sleep is the most sensible option right now.

cheerio.